Father’s Day

(Note that this is being posted a few days late. Seems I could not get comfort in my reflections and compiling my thoughts. Here it is.)

My father passed away more than twenty years ago. I think I can honestly say I never did have a close relationship with him. Not a bad one either. It was what it was. He died the day after his 66th birthday. By all standards that is too young. Of course, back then, I figured 66 to be a ripe old age. I hated to watch him deteriorate. Cancer is a wicked disease.

Back then I was a young father. My kids were too young to understand. I thought the sickness and death was unfair. I found ways to cope. In retrospect I realize that I was not utilizing the right coping skills. Coping skills that just got me deeper into a darkness, a time of life I would just as soon forget. But I was cool about it. Tough. Crap happens. So be it.

Because of a certain post on facebook I am reflecting on my father. After all it is father’s day this weekend. In the spirit of openness and transparency, not sure how or why that happened, I will reflect. As interesting as it may be I have never before realized that my life mirrors the life of my father. I, too, began farming at a relatively young age. I, too, was involved in evangelism, although not of the religious type. I was involved in agricultural politics. Preaching about collective marketing, risk management, etc, etc. It was during my farming experience I came to realize that there was other work I could do, and was naturally suited to do. I recall one person telling me that perhaps I never had been a farmer. Although I was initially upset with that comment I realized quickly that he had a valid point.

Of course, thinking about that could well make a person really upset. Lots of thinking back. Regrets. However, there have been friends in my past who have challenged me to get over it. Realize that without my experiences I could not be who I am. Not be as effective with the work I do. Not have had an impact on others. Perhaps those are the same thoughts my father had as he transitioned from one career to another. That makes him a mentor.

What I remember most about my father is that he was a pastor. Sure, he farmed as well, but that was only a means to an end. Although I never realized it, I don’t think his heart was in farming. His heart was in reaching out to others, particularly the less fortunate. He ended up doing chaplaincy work. Having conversations with inmates in various penal institutions. He enjoyed that. That was life for him. Sharing a personal faith but also listening and understanding when others talked to him. It broadened his own faith. It gave him a totally different perspective on life and faith. He began to see the world in a different way.

That makes me wish to have my father back for just a fleeting moment. I know he would be proud of where my life has taken me. I know he would be proud of the work I do. I know he would be proud of what I have accomplished. He would challenge my thoughts on everything from kids to faith to life. It would be so nice to have that one chat with him. Just one. Share some war stories, get some questions answered. Share a laugh.

I suspect that will not happen any time soon. What I can do is become more aware of who my father was. I have been remiss in not reflecting more. Understanding more. Although his life was cut short he showed me a path. It just took me too long to realize that. Here is to more reflection on a mentor. Here is hoping I can be a mentor for my kids. Happy Father’s Day. Make it a good one.

Keeping Up Appearances

Here it is. I am officially taking donations. I have a problem that will cost significant money to cover. Yes, I am satisfied with our income or, perhaps, I should say things are better than they have been for years. But there is an issue. I need help. I know that all of you that read this would like to help. Here is your opportunity.

I recall many of those years when I “lived” in a hotel. Back in the days when my wife said she did not mind what I was doing as long as I was not having fun. For some the thought of staying in a hotel night after night might have some appeal. Trust me. It can get very tedious. Channel surfing becomes the norm. For some strange reason I often watched the show: “Keeping Up Appearances”. Some of you may have seen it. It can actually be quite humorous. It has been awhile since I saw that show. Had forgotten about it. Just recently my wife came home and said someone at her workplace had suggested she watch it. She asked me whether I had ever seen it.

Today I am getting some things done in my office. The beauty of working out of a home office is that when you get tired of the work, get tired of the people you deal with, get sick of phone calls, you can go out and do some mindless yard work. Back in the land of country living you had no worries. No one to keep up to. No one that was watching. Do what you like. In our current place of abode things are a little different.

I went out this morning to cut some grass, weed eat around some trees, check on weeds that I had sprayed for. Quite enjoyable. I even ignored the golfers, knowing I could go out later in the day. However, I see my neighbors on either side are quite busy doing major work on their yards and houses. The one on the one side has installed a pool. Now there is work being done on their patio. I suspect that will take up a good portion of their back yard. On the other side the house is being fixed. Where do I fit in? I would like to keep up, but I can’t.

I need this. I need that. I want this. I want that. Perhaps I can pull off a Hyacinth, you know who I am talking about if you have watched the show. Try to fool people. Make them think I fit in. Make them think I am someone who I am not. Something like the person that walked up to a counter and asked; “do you know who I think I am?”. Sometimes who I think I am is completely different than who I really am.

That is okay. What really counts is my well-being. Last night I was mowing the grass and got a text from a neighbor asking me to go golfing. Absolutely. This morning my kids asked whether we could look after our grandchild Friday night. Would love to. Saturday family is coming by to celebrate father’s day. Should be fun. Last weekend we could attend a wedding and stay till the end. Short drive home. That was enjoyable.

All of that tells me that life is good. It takes reflection to realize that. And then, of course, some friendly reminders. My son sent me a text this week which simply said, “comparison is the thief of all joy”. How true. We spend an inordinate amount of time wishing for something else. Something better. Sometimes it is good to sit back and think, yes, life is good. Never mind keeping up appearances. Never mind wishing for something better. It is not about swimming pools, trampolines, toys, or other “things” we wish for. It truly is about relationships, about friends, about family. Do I sound convinced? Make it a good one.

It Takes A Community

We attended the wedding of our good friends’ daughter last weekend. As weddings go I am not much for critiquing what goes on. In fact my wife would probably prefer I keep my mouth shut during the formal ceremony. Then again, probably during the informal part as well. Can you imagine? Don’t answer that. Right after the ceremony a friend sitting in front of me turned and suggested that the message (read sermon) was more important for some of us that had been married for a while than the couple that was actually getting married. Perhaps I should have listened. I was much to mesmerized by the architecture of the building. Besides, I know all there is to being married, right? Again, don’t answer that.

I want to refer to the speech given by the bride’s father. Not that he said a lot, too emotional, but the first sentence I heard said it all. He said it takes a community to raise a child and as he said it he pointed to the crowd. That comment really hit home. I talked to my daughter about that the following day. I suggested that the community we grow up in helps shape us as people. As a parent I can do only so much. The community, the school, the church, the groups we hang out with, dictate who we become.

I have often said, and I quote, “Relationships provide us with identity, purpose and direction. In essence, relationships and therefore community is a life giving, life defining, life nurturing process.” Notice the reference to community? Community becomes much more important than we could ever realize.

Sometime ago I wrote about the untimely passing or our niece. In my final comments about that I suggested that it will take a community to rally around that family. I also said that I needed to be part of that community. In the two services we attended I saw community like never before. The people that showed up to show their respects, to show their support was literally out of this world. My wife and I talked about that as we ventured home that day. We wondered whether we would ever find that community support should we face a traumatic and life changing event. Yes, we have tons of friends, colleagues, associates, and family. But do we have the community that I witnessed that day? Do I have the community that my friend referred too at his daughter’s wedding?

I suppose that the best way to find answers to my question is to have something really traumatic happen in my life. Not sure I want that litmus test. I see it around me every day. People experience tough situations. Life changing experiences. Where am I when that happens? Am I part of the community that helps out? Do I provide the support that is so desperately needed? Or am I too wrapped up in my own issues?

It really is not a major deal. It takes little effort. There is a community out there. The question becomes what am I doing to be part of that. I can do more and I need to do more. Quite frankly, without community we have nothing. And the more we become consumed with our own issues, with our own problems, the more we have a tendency to withdraw. The more we withdraw the less we see of the life giving, life defining and life nurturing community. The community that exists because someone cared. Help me be one who cares. Make life changes before life changes. Make it a good one.

What Do I See

As happens so often, I had the opportunity to meet a person this week who has and is dealing with significant challenges in his life. During the course of our conversation I learned a lot about myself. How I face hurdles. How I react to “bad” things happening in my life. How others react and what I can learn from that.

As all of you know, and may be sick of hearing about, I am an avid golfer. I have experienced challenges regarding my eye sight. And I deal with certain mental health challenges. I have alluded to the fact that I have noticed my vision decreasing. It became quite concerning when I realized I had difficulties seeing my golf ball after I hit it. Finally I made an appointment. I was afraid of what I might hear.

The day before the appointment I met the person I just mentioned. He walked into the meeting room, sat down and proceeded to inform me that he was visually impaired. As he told me his story a host of emotions raced through me. I was amazed at his positive approach to life. I liked his sense of humour. I was intrigued with the eye issues he was describing. In my twisted way of thinking I was also convinced that this was an omen of things to come for me.

As he talked I became convinced that he had been dealing with this for most of his life. I found out different. A mere year and a half ago, in a matter of six weeks, he went from having good vision to being virtually blind. He was a 4 handicap in golf. For all you non golfers that means he was pretty darn good. A goal that I strive for but have been unable to achieve. He was happily married with two young kids. He had an up and coming career. Moving ahead in life. Then the unthinkable. A loss of sight. He has adapted and continues to adapt. By his own admission he has a much better view of what is important in life.

We talked about approaching life with a positive attitude. In spite of our inner most fears and concerns we could put on a happy face. We talked about faking it. Even when the inner emotions clouded our thinking it was important to show positive energy. The comment was made that even faking it sometimes helped in actually giving us a more positive outlook.

So what do I see? Physically I see less than would be ideal. However the good news is that it will take a simple laser procedure to fix that. It is a matter of getting the appointment sooner rather than later. Oh, and my son says, bad omens can &%*& themselves. Perhaps he has a point.

Emotionally my vision also needs an adjustment. How I react to various challenges defines who I am as a person. I have choices. It is important to keep things in perspective. I know. It is easier for some then for others. But there are ways and means of working our way through the challenges we face. Often times we cannot do it alone. That is why I am thankful that I met this person. He is helping me “see” better.

Some of my favorite quotes come to mind. “The important things in life are not things.” “Make life changes before life changes.” “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon but that we wait so long to begin it.” Make it a good one.

I Know Enough

I have learned so much over the years. Not that long ago a friend told me that I was self-aware. I think that means that I have gained an understanding of what drives me, what triggers my emotions, what upsets me and what provides some sort of happiness. Having said that I still am often bewildered by emotions that come out of nowhere and create uncomfortable feelings.

Perhaps it is like I heard someone say at a meeting this week. “I know enough to know that I know nothing.” I chuckled when I heard that. In fact got out my blackberry and sent myself an email with that quote. Ended up getting a tongue lashing from the chairman as he felt I was “playing” with my cell phone rather than participating in the discussion. Little did he know that I had heard something that made so much sense in my personal journey.

Perhaps it becomes a matter of recognition. Although having said that, I know full well that I recognize the feelings that wash over me in certain experiences. And then I spend time analyzing those, trying to figure out where they came from. And the more I analyze the deeper I slide into a state that leaves me depressed, angry and not willing to participate in life.

Perhaps I need to get over it. Build that bridge. Quit over analyzing everything that happens. Quit trying to figure out why people just don’t seem to understand. At one point this week I was frustrated with my wife and kids. They thought I was down. They were wondering what was wrong. I got frustrated. Did they not understand? It wasn’t me. It was them. The more I tried to push it the angrier I got. As I lay in bed that night trying to make sense of it all I concluded that I was probably wallowing in self pity. Although, god forbid, I would never want to admit that out loud. Surely those around me should recognize that it was their fault, not mine.

I came to the realization, the following morning, that I felt better. That was strange. After all, if my funk the night before was everybody else’s fault then why was I feeling better? Yes, I became more self-aware. I realized, came to an understanding that there were certain experiences in life that had been dragging me down the day before. I realized that my emotions had gotten the most of me. I realized that because of my unwanted thoughts and feelings my expectations of others were unrealistic. I realized that I had been unfair. I, in some bizarre way, was trying to punish those closest to me for what I was going through.

So what now? Surely at my age I should know better. Surely I should be able to control and contain those feelings that I KNOW are wreaking havoc on relationships. Now you know why that quote meant so much to me. “I know enough to know I know nothing.” I must do better. The irony is I know enough to know that if I can control those feelings of emptiness, regrets, resentment and, yes, self-pity, I am a happier person. That is a good start. But I need to learn even more. Make it a good one.

How Old Am I

Finally, May 4, the golf course opened. Many people had waited a long time for that. It was exciting to see people milling about the first tee box. Eagerly awaiting that first shot. The sun felt warm. A gentle breeze. Birds singing in the trees. What could possibly go wrong? Well, all the visions of grandeur, the dreams of the golf ball taking off in flight, disappeared quickly when many of us realized that muscle memory had gone the way of the dodo bird.

Not that I am complaining but there was something else missing that day. I quickly realized that not having used the treadmill all winter could create a problem. My first clue should probably have been the fact that doing up my pants had become more difficult. Then again, what is there to do in a long drawn out winter? Snow, wind and cold temperatures. Watch TV and snack , of course.

By the end of the second hole I was not entirely convinced that I would make it. My legs felt wobbly. I was having a difficult time breathing. I started coughing. Perhaps I should have treated myself to a cart this first round. But I knew that at some point I would have to face reality and realize the only way to fix this problem was to keep at it. Long story short, I made it. When I stumbled into the house after the round I literally threw myself on the couch. My wife took one look at me and started laughing. No sympathy there. I wonder why.

I did it again the following day. Not sure what I was trying to prove. Perhaps trying to fool myself into thinking I am still young. The fact that my grandson was over for night should have been enough to help me understand that I am not young. I am a grandpa. Perhaps that in itself should have provided me all the reasons in the world to ride rather than walk.

This getting older sucks. There are increasing limitations. Everything hurts a little longer. I wonder how much of feeling your age is mental. Read an interesting question this morning. “How old would you be if you didn’t know hold you are”? That got me thinking. Perhaps I need to change my perspective. Perhaps the fact that my muscles hurt, my legs ache, my back is stiff, and I get short of breath just using a key board, is just a figment of my imagination.

Who am I kidding? I am getting older. And getting older means I need to change things. I need to be cognizant of what I eat. I need to make sure I get physical exercise. I need to make sure I get mental exercise. I need to get with it. We have all heard of the golden years. Not sure when that is and whether I have arrived. I remember a short poem that addresses that and have added it at the bottom. Based on that I may have arrived. But then again I am going to change my thinking and everything else should fall into place. I hope. Make it a good one.

The golden years have come at last
I cannot see, I cannot pee
I cannot chew, I cannot s****
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks,
My bodies drooping, got trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last,
The Golden Years can kiss my a**!
(author unknown)

What Now

For months farmers have been planning their year. Planning what crops to grow. Planning and purchasing their inputs. And as happens far too often, mother nature has thrown us a curve ball. Here we are at the end of April, looking out the window and still seeing snow. Obviously we look back to last year when the situation was much different. We hear what “normals” should be for this time of year. We become uncertain as to what normal really is.

There are times I still wonder whether people realize where their food supplies come from. I am reminded of the billboard that stood near Brandon for years. It simply stated that Farming Feeds Us All. The Manitoba Farm and Rural Support Services have Tshirts that say Farmers Feed Cities. In a Free Press article this week some farm leaders were commiserating the late spring and the possibilities of further delays due to flooding. In the comment section under the article one reader wrote, and this is so bizarre I will quote verbatim, “this flood is probably caused by all the fertilizing chemicals they put in the rivers and oceans”. Not sure whether to laugh or cry.

So as we assess what this year might bring, adjustments have to be made. We suspect, but don’t know, that the growing season will be shorter. We think, but don’t know, that we need to change cropping plans. We think, but don’t know, that cash projections will be wrong. We think, but don’t know, that this year may be a write off. A million different scenarios are haunting us 24/7.
All this thinking, all the second guessing can become tiring. We dig down. We search for that resilience that farmers are known for. Sometimes we find it and sometimes we don’t. The unknown and the second guessing can also be incredibly stressful. Farmers feel it. Businesses feel it. The entire community feels it.

Stress management is an integral part of a farmer’s “toolbox”. Recognizing stress for what it is and the damage it can cause is important. Having the ability to deal proactively with that stress is key to survival. It is the key to work/life balance. The key to success.

The good news is that there are many resources available to farmers and the rest of the rural community. The Manitoba Farm and Rural Support Services provide numerous services to help people who are experiencing overwhelming stress. They can provide a listening ear, both over the phone or online. They can provide resources. They are there to help. Confidential and free, the MFRSS is a service for farmers delivered by farmers.

Find someone to talk to. I can tell you from personal experience that talking helps. Verbalizing our inner most fears and anxieties helps to ease the burden. Through talking we find support and, without realizing it, support others. Make it a good one.