Oba

My parrot, Oba, who you remember from a few weeks ago, has been very busy the last while talking to me. To the point where I felt like doing something really bad with the parrot. Nothing I could go into detail about on this family show but trust me the parrot would be gone. You see, the messages I was getting was that I did not know how to golf. In fact it was that an idiot like me should not even be out there. The way I was swinging my club looked like, actually didn’t resemble anything. The parrot told me that there was no sport under the sun that incorporated my kind of swing. The parrot led me to believe that he wanted no part of me. Only later did I wonder why he was still there.

And when I got a friendly reminder from friends about writing another blog the parrot started talking again. That parrot, I can’t even call him by his name anymore, told me that the crap I put down on paper is not worth the paper it’s written on. I actually got him there because it is not on paper, it’s on a computer. The parrot told me that I should move on in life. Quit trying to fool people. Because people were not being fooled.

That damn parrot came close to ruining my life. Last night as I awoke at my usual time I decided to get out of bed, wander over to the kitchen for a drink of water and then sit in my recliner and reflect. For a fleeting moment I had to tell myself that I was living the dream. Actually I think Oba was still snoring. It was during that reflection that I was reminded of the fact that I feed the parrot. The parrot is only capable of repeating words it hears. So as much as you would like to hear something positive it probably won’t happen. EXCEPT. . . . .

Do you remember what I said about parrots? They will only say what you say. Thinking about that struck me. Do you mean to say that when that parrot said I was no good at golf it was me actually saying it? And when the parrot told me I had nothing positive to share in a blog it was my own feelings coming through? And when that parrot bemoans the fact that I take my wife, my partner, my kids and my grandkids for granted it is what I am actually thinking? And that if I allow life to happen that could change?

I like that. There is hope. This last Tuesday I played golf and as I stepped up to the first tee I told Oba that I could hit a driver and I could hit the driver right down the middle of the fairway. Through the course of that evening I realized more and more that the thoughts running through my mind, the positives and negatives influenced my life, influenced my game.

I have spoken to numerous people this week. Oh, don’t tell the parrot. He was telling me that I have no work because I am an idiot. Guess what. I was busy this week. I was able to communicate with people in a broad spectrum of life and what life throws at us. It was great. And just for a fleeting moment I got some peace and quiet from Oba. Just for a moment he realized that perhaps I knew what I was doing, just perhaps there were opportunities that I needed to build on. Just perhaps he needed to change his tune. And just perhaps he needed to start being an encouragement. Make it a good one.

On Being Married

I ventured out this morning to buy a newspaper. Don’t often do that but occasionally I like to read the news from start to finish. Normally I check the internet for headlines and then move on with life. Today is different. Although I need to do some office work it has been awhile since things were quiet around here. First the grandkids were here for a week, and I could write a number of stories about that, then work took me away from the office every day. So here I am.

One of the first headlines I read was one regarding that tragic airline crash where the co-pilot allegedly crashed the plane intentionally. Since day one that story has intrigued me. The circumstances behind that boggle the mind. As much as I have some experience with anxiety and depression and various thoughts on how to end life I cannot imagine taking control of an airliner and running it into a mountainside. It defies logic.

The story that caught my eye this morning was from an event held by Turkish Airlines. Apparently the CEO of Turkish Airlines told their new pilots that it would be best if they were married. Okay? Nothing against marriage but why would he say that? He feels that people with spouses are more stable. Interesting, to say the least. So if this particular fellow had been married the tragedy would not have happened?

My first inclination was to laugh off such a weird conclusion to a tragic event. But it got me thinking. I thought back to an Alan Jackson song. Please don’t hold that against me. I don’t particularly care for his music or his style of music. I can nasal my way through a lot of songs but it does nothing for me. However, I do recall a song he produced many years ago. Don’t recall the title, don’t recall the music. I recall one sentence and it went like this. “She is all I’ve got between the devil and me”.

I often wondered about this whole relationship concept, who helps who, who really is strongest. Then this morning I read a post from my brother who, and I would suggest his wife would say, finally admitted to the fact that through the years his wife had been right about so many things. I sensed in his writing that he could have come to this conclusion a little sooner. But I really don’t want to go there. That is his issue to deal with.

I thought back to the many challenges I have had in life and realize that my wife, my partner has kept me sane. Has kept me from the metaphorical crashing the plane into the mountain. Sometimes I have fought against her ideas. Sometimes I have even been right. I remember in 1997 when we were talking about. . . . oh never mind. She has been an incredible encouragement in my journey.

So instead of running the risk of having a whole bunch of husbands jumping down my throat let me expound on what I just said. The news article got me thinking about this. When I look around at some of my friends I think it is true. When I look in the mirror I know it is true. However I must be very clear on something. Relationships help all of us. Whether we are a wife, a husband, a partner, a friend. Whether male or female. Relationships provide us with the energy to face challenges in life. Never forget that. Never under estimate that. Work on relationships. It will be worth it. Make it a good one.

I Wanna Live

Been singing the song from our friend Mr. Young. Not going to recite the lyrics here but they are easily accessible.

As an aside I need to brag about one small point. For years, in my farm debt mediation work, I have been involved with Neil Young’s relative. Really. Then again, how many Youngs’ are there in Manitoba, never mind Cypress River.

This all has nothing to do with what I am about to say. In the past I have alluded to various challenges I have had particularly this last winter. It always seemed that my outlook on life was jaded by real life stories. And it felt like each time I got over one, or got some positive news, or more work, something bad would happen.

This week was no different. Monday night as I was just drifting off into what I was sure was going to be a minimum 3 hour sleep the phone rang. Fortunately the phone is on my wife’s side of the bed so I did the big fake sleep thing. Probably even faked a snore. When she hung up she was rather surprised that I asked who that was. She told me it was my oldest brother.

I left it at that and tried my best to have a decent night. Didn’t happen. You get a certain sense about things. He would not normally call me on my home number at that time of day. Him calling me that way left me with a chilling thought. Something was wrong. I thought back to our last conversations and recalled he had mentioned an issue he had that he needed to take painkillers for. I suspect if I had gone to my computer I could have written the script. Those thoughts haunted me all night.

I called him first thing in the morning, although I had to figure out the time difference between here and Saskatchewan and that in itself is a problem. Leaving that one till next time. As soon as he answered I knew my worst thoughts during the night had been right. He had gone through that infamous test that most of us try to joke about, but fail miserably, and the picture (no pun intended) was not good. The dreaded C word. The same issue that took our father many years ago. Not sure that matters. The C word brings about all kinds of thoughts, pictures we have seen, friends and family we have lost. To say it haunts me is an understatement.

It took a while before I had the emotional fortitude to call him again. I was amazed at his positive outlook on life. He felt he had been given a clear message. He realized life was not forever. That might mean a week, a year, 10 years, even a longer term where you wonder whether the first death might have been the best one. He said he had come to the realization that what he wanted, while his life allowed, was to, and I will quote him here; “I want to live, I want to love, and I want to write.”

I could relate more stories of how his own family is taken aback by his new approach. For me it has been interesting. When I spend my wakeful hours during the night thinking, I normally experience significant anxiety. Since my conversation with my brother I wake up and instantly say these words. “I want to live, I want to love and I want to write.” It has helped me. Looking forward to the challenges these words present. Looking forward to implementing those thoughts and words in my own life. Perhaps we can talk about this in the future. But most of all I send all positive energy to my brother. He will need it as he faces this challenge in his life. Make it a good one.

Obahyo

Over the course of the last number of months, make it approximately nine if you’re keeping track, I have become involved with an organization by the name of Facilitated Solutions. Each time I work with them or meet with them I get further insights into who I am, why I am who I am and how to change if I don’t like who I am. Sounds like a religious cult. But it’s not. It is a group of people involved in the same type of work I do and as a team we try to make a difference.

In the past I have alluded to this problem I have where I will recall an event from the past and berate myself for it. If memory serves me right I believe I had someone suggest Turrettes a few years ago. Perhaps. Hear me out. Something that might have happened last week, perhaps last month, even as long ago as 1983 is enough to elicit a response of some sort. Yeah. I know. 1983? That is so last century. That is not even in the realm of the world we are in. But it happens. I am just fortunate that cars don’t have built in recorders (pvrs or blue rays for our younger readers). Honestly, if all my outbursts had been recorded there truly would not be a resale value on my car.

I actually chuckled when I reflected on the number of times I have let loose with expletives while driving down the highway. I suspect other drivers may well have been befuddled by what they saw in my car. Who cares. And quite frankly, when you have watched one episode of Schitt’s Creek most any life would seem normal.

But this is not about TV shows. This is about stuff, don’t you like that word, stuff. You can include almost anything in that. This is about life experiences. This is about how we as individuals deal with life. It may be normal, it may be off kilter, we may have it figured out only to find out we don’t.

Through my association with others I have come to realize that I have a parrot on my shoulder. (see last week’s version of The Recovering Farmer) It is true. You may laugh but hear me out. What do you picture when you envision a parrot sitting on my shoulder? A bird. Colorful. But other than another example of the wonders of nature, it is a bird. At least I hope that is what you envisioned.

Let me introduce you to my parrot. I am going to give it a name. I am calling it Obahyo. Those that know the german language and know me will understand. (a story for another day) Oba, my nickname for Obahyo, has been sitting on my shoulder for nigh on to. . . . . forever. Never realized it was there. Now that I do a lot of things are making sense. Over the course of the next while I will relate various stories of Oba but for now suffice it to say I have finally met my parrot.

I now understand my outbursts over a long gone memory. I understand why I have a difficult time building my self-esteem. I now understand why I react the way I do to the many of experiences life throws at me. And for that I am thankful. The fact that a parrot has brought me to this point may be a concern but also something I can overcome and embrace.

Keep in touch. I am taking off on a new journey in life. I am going to tame the parrot. I will teach that parrot to say the most amazing things. That parrot will go from being a pain in my . . . oops, sorry, pain on my shoulder to being my best friend. Come along for the ride. And no, Polly does not want a cracker. Make it a good one.

I Don’t Get It.

I know. I went to Mexico to fill my emotional gas tank. Somehow the leak I had sprung was not fixed and here I am out of gas. May sound unique to some. Hear me out. Many years ago I recall my father driving over a bridge to fast which meant the car bottomed out which meant the gas tank landed firmly on the gravel which meant we sprung a leak. Based on that it really did not matter how much gas was in the tank because it was dripping out faster than any remedy we could find at the time.

You see, back in those days should you have a bar of soap handy the problem could be fixed. Small hole in the tank, rub it with soap and we are good to go. No idea how long it would last. But it worked. In later years I worked for a building mover, and you may not believe this, but we used soap to slide houses onto their foundation. Really. But it had to be Ivory.

Came back from our vacation feeling rejuvenated. Thought I could carry on. And as much as I remember and fondly recall our vacation it seems to have gone. Just like my tan. Seems like my emotional gas tank had a hole in it that could not be plugged. Nothing worked. Came back to reality to find that reality really sucks. Been involved with some medical appointments this week to ensure that life will carry on. (That was said with my tongue firmly in my cheek)

Today I did have a dental appointment set. All morning I was trying to figure out how to cancel that. For some reason dental appointments send the fear of God through me. Today was no different. As it turns out the dentist had a family situation to deal with which left me the option of “woo hoo”, no needles, I AM OUTTA HERE.

Gave me the opportunity to have coffee/lunch with my daughter. After all she would have been the assistant in whatever pain needed to be dealt with today. And if there is no pain they do find a way to create pain. Sorry. There is my cynical part coming out again. Happens occasionally.

She noticed that my mood was off. And it has been. But today was worse. Right from when I got up this morning I noticed a news story developing that tore at my very being. Four kids dead. Three saved. It does not matter which way you slice or dice this story. It is unfathomable. Hard to grasp. How could anyone deal with such a tragedy?

So I don’t get it. Life does throw us curve balls. Most of them I do gain an understanding for. Others not so much. How anyone could come to grips with four kids succumbing in this horrific event is beyond me. How anyone can even try to comprehend what the parents have and will be going through in this tragedy can and will not ever be understood.

As suggested last week a story such as this should provide encouragement to someone like me who really has no problems except for a screwed up brain. And perhaps it will. May take some time. (Just read that within two years people will be able to get head transplants. For a mere 13 million dollars. Perhaps I need to start buying lottery tickets.) And we know that come tomorrow a different headline, someone else’s story, or a stubbed toe will become the flavor of the day. I will get past this. The family coming to grips with losing four siblings will deal with this for years to come. Here is wishing them well. Here is wishing them a good one.

Perception

Perception. A word that has stuck with me for some time. That is what it is about. How we perceive things. For years I used a quote as follows; “we do not see things as they are, we see things as we are”. Even had a follower post a picture on Facebook with that quote. Often wondered where it came from. Even Google failed me. Then as I was going through some training material from years ago I found the source. Anais Nin provided us with those words of wisdom. Here I thought I could take credit for it.

I have been consumed of late. Consumed with what I had perceived as overwhelming problems. Consumed by the fact that life had dealt me bad cards. Not sure how I could overcome. I was fixated by certain issues and in that fixation found myself minimizing other people’s challenges. Chatted with a friend that is frustrated, read a book written by a colleague’s wife, read other true life stories. Got a better handle of what my reality really was and is.

I spoke to a group of people a few years ago. Spoke of the various challenges that farmers face. Spoke of the stress that accompanies all of us. One participant came to me after and shared what his major stressors consisted of. At the same time he said that was nothing compared to the devastation in Haiti. They had just experienced a devastating earthquake.

I concurred with him. I understood where he was coming from. At the same time I was not about to minimize his own issues. You see, all of us face challenges. Many of us feel that what we are experiencing is as much as we can bear. Then we talk to others who downplay our anxieties because theirs are much worse. And they may very well be. But the way it stands, the way I feel, is how I determine my situation, gauge my stress. I have not walked in the other’s shoes. The only thing I know is that I am down and would like that to change.

Sometimes it becomes a matter of interpretation. Often times it becomes a matter of how we deal with our challenges. Nobody said it would be easy. Nobody said life would come without challenges. Although I often wonder why good people struggle and bad people seem to succeed. Sorry. Just being judgemental for a minute. I feel better.

As I alluded to earlier I have been consumed. Lost in my own world where nothing made sense. Lost sight of reality. Wallowing in a pool of self-pity. Wondering why, why could my life not be what I want it to be?

Then, thanks to a friend, I came to the realization that my life was good. I have so many things to be thankful for. Perhaps not the ones I would pick, at this moment, but many nonetheless. I understood that I had been fixated on the negative. I had lost sight. Blinders were firmly affixed to my outlook.

I came to a better understanding that my perception was off. I had lost sight. I needed to adapt and understand that life was good. Could it be better? Absolutely. Could it be worse? Without question. At the end of the day it is what it is. And what I do with what I have is all that matters. And, quite frankly, I really do not want to lose what I have.

Billy Graham said “When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; and when character is lost, all is lost”. So I am going to work on getting my character back, then my mental health, (or the other way around) and, if there is time left, will work on my wealth. Make it a good one.

As The World Turns

I keep saying I don’t watch news anymore. And I don’t. But I will admit that I do peek at headiness every morning. Just curious. But it doesn’t take long to understand why I don’t watch news. Generally speaking news is depressing. Perhaps it is as Mart Twain said; “If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed”.

And then I see a headline about being 3 minutes to doomsday. What is up with that? And when I go to that site they require my email address? Really? I answered a call this week and usually when you have a marketing call or a call for a survey there is a hesitation before the other party comes on line. Gives me a chance to hang up. Did not happen this time. Had an instant response. Wanting to tell me I had won 2.5 million dollars. It caught my attention. Don’t get me wrong. I knew it was a hoax but I felt like pursuing it anyway. In retrospect I should have been kind to the guy. Let him know that ship has sailed. I mean really. That scam has been in the news.

However, enough about the news. It is time to fill my emotional gas tank. We are headed south. Looking forward to having the sun bake my aching body. Time to relax. And especially disconnect. No interruptions. Just relaxation and fun with friends.

But I seem anxious about this. Seem to have this need to ensure that should we not make it back our kids would have some clue as to our affairs. Then I sit back and look at my office and realize it is hopeless to even begin sorting out this mess. Then again I suppose if it comes to that I won’t care.

So where is this anxiety coming from? Perhaps it is my age. More aware. Then again it may be that when I should watch news I watch reality shows. Like Mayday. Or Why Do Planes Crash. Then again when I did read the headlines this week I saw a video of a plane cartwheeling over a bridge in Tapei. That looked scary. Makes me wonder why I would want to fly anywhere. Then I think back to something I saw some years ago. If memory serves me right the comment was that there are more people killed on an annual basis by being kicked in the head by goats then people dying in plane crashes. Fact or fiction? Doesn’t matter. Stay away from goats. And goat cheese. Because it just really isn’t that good.

So here I go. Have John Denver’s song in my mind. 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again.’ Really has nothing to do with my trip. For a number of reasons. Number one is that this is not a love ballad for me, although my wife and I will enjoy this together. Number two, I will be back again.

I have no choice. Running away and staying away are not feasible options as tempting as that may be. And as we all know escaping does not necessarily take care of issues, if there are issues. So I will fill my gas tank and hopefully be back with enthusiasm to carry on with a host of new opportunities. And if luck is with me the snow will be gone and the golf course close to opening up for the summer when I get back. Not likely. But I can dream. Make it a good one.