Are You Serious

I am serious. It is the beginning of September. The weather is nice. Sun is shining. I should be golfing. Unfortunately I am not. It appears like I have developed a classic case of pneumonia. Sure wonder where that came from. So I am trying to get better by medicating and resting. Given me too much time to watch TV.

Raise your hand if you are already sick of the upcoming election. Seriously. The stars must be lining up. We have the American election coming next year and so we have a host of people vying to be leaders for their parties. We have the Canadian federal election campaign well under way. And already a hint of our provincial election coming next spring. Personally I am getting somewhat tired of the political rhetoric coming at us from all directions.

How about Donald Trump? Isn’t that enough to make one lose faith in anything political. And to think he is on top of the polls for the Republicans. His “bull in a china shop” approach is mind numbing and discouraging. From insulting anyone that gets in his way to some of his ideas that he wants to implement, a leader like that is scary. Just as walls come down in many countries he is suggesting building a wall between the US and Mexico. I wonder where that wall was when his ancestors came over. And now it has been suggested that a wall be built between Canada and the US. Are you serious?

In our federal election we seem to be hung up on hair, or shifty eyes, or anger, or beards, or. . . . Seriously? That is all we have? I have asked it before and will again. Where is there any substance to what we as a country need to build and grow? And to think there are more days in this campaign than we normally have. So hang on. Only 41 more days till this is over. Only 41 more days till you can cast your ballot. Trust me. It will feel like forever.

Of course we could start thinking ahead to Christmas. It is only 4 months away. But that only brings a host of other issues to worry about. Snow. Cold. Short days. Not pleasant me thinks. After all we are still enjoying summer. At least trying to.

There you have it. Perhaps now that I have written about the frustration of anything political I won’t have to think about it. Yeah right. Only if I bury my head in the sand. Perhaps take some advice from a dog. See, I told you I could come up with more animals to write about. Saw this the other day and thought how applicable. “Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it pee on it and walk away”. I like that. Now you know what I am doing with the election. At least until election day. At that point I must do my civic duty.

Perhaps I am to negative. I should not be. Summer has been good. Golf game was improving. My mental health is better. I have so much to be thankful for. So enjoy it. Each day is something to be treasured. Make it count. And as far as politics go, what would we complain about if politics were to disappear. And Christmas, with the snow and cold, is coming. But not something to worry about just yet. So here is to the rest of the summer. Seriously! Make it a good one.

To Err Is Human

I came across some information on the internet that I think teaches a valuable lesson. Actually I did not come across it; my daughter in law sent it to me. Notice, I just made a mistake. Fortunately I caught it and was able to correct it quickly before it became an issue involving others. Unfortunately I am seldom that quick at realizing when I have screwed up. And for the most part my mistakes, my screw ups, my stupidity hurts others. And, ultimately, make my life worse as well. Except, of course, if I realize and understand the mistake and do my utmost to make it right.

FUBAR is a term first used many years ago in the military. I remember the first time I heard that word. It was during a game of Trivial Pursuit at a church youth function. You would think a family game such as that would not create a problem during a wholesome church event. The question asked what the word FUBAR stood for. As the question was asked the pastor was hovering around our table watching the activities. Needless to say when the answer was given there were some red faces around. For those that don’t know FUBAR “is a term that originates as a military acronym for "fucked up beyond all/any recognition/repair/reason/redemption". My apologies if I offended anyone with the use of the “f” word. I plead ignorance as I was just quoting someone else. In fact it being an important historical military fact I plead innocence.

I often use the word, FUBAR that is, because most of my gaffes fall into that category. That is just simply me. Yes, I am trying to change but at my age change can be slow and tedious if it happens at all. Nevertheless I digress. The point is we all make mistakes. How we deal with the mistakes, whether our own or someone else’s, becomes the challenge. Following is what my daughter in law shared with me.

“In a certain African tribe, when someone does something harmful, they take the person to the center of the village where the whole tribe comes and surrounds them.

For two days, they will say to the man all the good things that he has done.

The tribe believes that each human being comes into the world as a good. Each one of us only desiring safety, love, peace and happiness. But sometimes, in the pursuit of these things, people make mistakes.

The community sees those mistakes as a cry for help. They unite then to lift him, to reconnect him with his true nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth of which he had been temporarily disconnected: “I am good.” Shikoba Nabajyotisaikia!

NABAJYOTISAIKIA, is a compliment used in South Africa and means: “I respect you, I cherish you. You matter to me.” In response, people say SHIKOBA, which is: “So, I exist for you.” (author unknown)

As I alluded to earlier I make my share of mistakes. More than once I have needed what is described above. As I struggled with certain issues earlier this year my wife, my kids and my family did what the African tribe did for their own. For that I am appreciative. For that reason I am able to function today. Perhaps we can take this mantra with us and use it with others. After all, and again I quote, “It is natural for humans to cooperate, help and share. Individuals may be callous, inept, and defensive; but true malevolence is rare”. Make it a good one.

A Tragedy

Two weeks ago we received a call that shook me to the core. Someone we knew had died by suicide. I grew up and was friends with her husband. She was a wife and a mother. She was a business person. In the weeks since a myriad of emotions have flooded my mind. It has made me think because of my own struggles with mental health. It has made me think of the many people I have met through my work in various areas regarding mental health and suicide. It has made me wonder how we as society can make a bigger difference for so many people that struggle. How can we create more awareness?

The funeral was sad particularly in light of the circumstances. But strangely enough I came away from this one with different feelings than I normally do. Dare I say it encouraged me? Too often people are loathe to discuss suicide. Often times the cause of death is glossed over, perhaps in some attempt to run away from the tragedy. In this case there was none of that. The family was open about what happened. Others that spoke challenged us to be aware of mental health and the many that deal with this insidious illness. We were reminded of the best way to be a support to the family as they deal with the loss of a loved one.

During the service one of her kids mentioned how in the few short days since her passing they, as a family, had learnt a lot about suicide. What caught my attention was when he suggested that had his mother suffered and ultimately died because of cancer we would be talking about her courageous fight. We would talk about how brave she had been. He wanted everyone to know that his mother had fought a courageous battle. She had been brave. Her fight had been with a mental health illness not a physical illness.

That insight provided me with encouragement. In spite of awareness campaigns regarding mental health illnesses there remains a stigma. People that suffer from depression, PTSD, anxiety, Schizophrenia and others often times try to keep it a secret. We put on a mask hoping no one will know. We feel shame. And because of that we often do not seek the help we need. We have to put aside the stigma. And for the people who suffer from mental health illnesses we have to understand that it is a fight. It takes courage. And when we come to that realization we can take off our mask and show the folks around us that we have the courage and we need their support.

The family was also very clear that this death by suicide was not a selfish act. As awareness grows there is a better understanding of mental health and suicide. Again I was encouraged with the family’s approach. I have long been frustrated when suicide is referred to as a selfish act. It seems to me that calling it a selfish act is judgemental and takes away from a better understanding of the depths of despair many people feel. We should never confuse ending our pain with ending our life. I would go on to suggest that calling suicide a selfish act shows an ignorance of mental health.

This death was a tragedy beyond comprehension. It was a reminder for me to be aware of my own struggles and find better ways to deal with them. It was a reminder that there are many out there that face daily battles with their mental health. It was a reminder that more needs to be done. It was a reminder to seek understanding in spite of our own thoughts or beliefs. It is a challenge to all of us to be a support. A support to those who continue the courageous fight. A support to those who have lost a loved one to mental health. Make it a good one.

A Squirrel

Good morning. That is a different start to a blog. The reason I thought about that is an email I get most mornings from my wife. You see, she gets up at the most unearthly hour to get to work. When I finally get up, at a time that I still think is too early, she is already at work. And quite often when I check my emails over a cup of tea, yes, you heard right, tea, I have an email from her entitled “Good Morning”. And in the email she will include some words of encouragement for the day. As that has helped me I am saying good morning to you in hopes that what I write and you read will provide some encouragement to you.

In my last few posts, and it has been awhile, I referred to a parrot sitting on my shoulder. And the more I think about it the more sense it makes. And when I share that with clients and others they too understand the concept. For others it seems to have made them wonder who I really am. One reader, who I have worked with in my mediation work, laughed as she said that my reference to a parrot was “so not like you”. Wait till she sees this one. I am going to talk about squirrels. Perhaps I could start my own TV show on the National Geographic channel.

I recently chatted with a client and asked him if anxiety was a person or thing how he would describe it. With little hesitation he answered “a squirrel”. I found that intriguing. As we delved into it further the concept really made sense to me. Imagine a squirrel. Very active. Quite noisy. Flits from place to place. Never runs in a straight line. Hops from tree to tree. Quite agile. Can be intrusive. Always on the lookout. Never a dull moment. I wonder, do they ever sleep?

Now compare that to anxiety. Many people I talk to describe how anxiety creates a myriad of thoughts running through their minds. And just as you deal with one thought another one comes rushing in. Scurrying about in your gray matter, jumping from one thought to another. Puts you on edge. We become spooked. Never knowing what lies around the next corner. As one who has experienced significant anxiety I know it is intrusive and never sleeps.

So if it never sleeps how does one effectively deal with it? I could go into some detail about the way our brain works. How the lower brain is our early warning center. The amygdala, which is literally communication center. And the higher brain which recognizes patterns and prepares the responses. However, as intriguing as the brain might be, particularly the amygdala, the details can become rather tedious.

So we understand, to some degree, how squirrels act. We have a basic understanding of how our body, particularly the brain, responds to anxiety. But understanding does not get rid of the problem. I know of various means to get rid of squirrels. Best not to become too descriptive about that. Want to make sure I don’t offend anyone. I also know some basic tricks to deal with and rid myself of anxiety. Perhaps as I reboot my efforts at writing on a regular basis we can discover new ways of dealing with the many anxieties life throws at us. In the meantime I am rather curious what animal I will come up with next. Make it a good one.

Oba

My parrot, Oba, who you remember from a few weeks ago, has been very busy the last while talking to me. To the point where I felt like doing something really bad with the parrot. Nothing I could go into detail about on this family show but trust me the parrot would be gone. You see, the messages I was getting was that I did not know how to golf. In fact it was that an idiot like me should not even be out there. The way I was swinging my club looked like, actually didn’t resemble anything. The parrot told me that there was no sport under the sun that incorporated my kind of swing. The parrot led me to believe that he wanted no part of me. Only later did I wonder why he was still there.

And when I got a friendly reminder from friends about writing another blog the parrot started talking again. That parrot, I can’t even call him by his name anymore, told me that the crap I put down on paper is not worth the paper it’s written on. I actually got him there because it is not on paper, it’s on a computer. The parrot told me that I should move on in life. Quit trying to fool people. Because people were not being fooled.

That damn parrot came close to ruining my life. Last night as I awoke at my usual time I decided to get out of bed, wander over to the kitchen for a drink of water and then sit in my recliner and reflect. For a fleeting moment I had to tell myself that I was living the dream. Actually I think Oba was still snoring. It was during that reflection that I was reminded of the fact that I feed the parrot. The parrot is only capable of repeating words it hears. So as much as you would like to hear something positive it probably won’t happen. EXCEPT. . . . .

Do you remember what I said about parrots? They will only say what you say. Thinking about that struck me. Do you mean to say that when that parrot said I was no good at golf it was me actually saying it? And when the parrot told me I had nothing positive to share in a blog it was my own feelings coming through? And when that parrot bemoans the fact that I take my wife, my partner, my kids and my grandkids for granted it is what I am actually thinking? And that if I allow life to happen that could change?

I like that. There is hope. This last Tuesday I played golf and as I stepped up to the first tee I told Oba that I could hit a driver and I could hit the driver right down the middle of the fairway. Through the course of that evening I realized more and more that the thoughts running through my mind, the positives and negatives influenced my life, influenced my game.

I have spoken to numerous people this week. Oh, don’t tell the parrot. He was telling me that I have no work because I am an idiot. Guess what. I was busy this week. I was able to communicate with people in a broad spectrum of life and what life throws at us. It was great. And just for a fleeting moment I got some peace and quiet from Oba. Just for a moment he realized that perhaps I knew what I was doing, just perhaps there were opportunities that I needed to build on. Just perhaps he needed to change his tune. And just perhaps he needed to start being an encouragement. Make it a good one.

On Being Married

I ventured out this morning to buy a newspaper. Don’t often do that but occasionally I like to read the news from start to finish. Normally I check the internet for headlines and then move on with life. Today is different. Although I need to do some office work it has been awhile since things were quiet around here. First the grandkids were here for a week, and I could write a number of stories about that, then work took me away from the office every day. So here I am.

One of the first headlines I read was one regarding that tragic airline crash where the co-pilot allegedly crashed the plane intentionally. Since day one that story has intrigued me. The circumstances behind that boggle the mind. As much as I have some experience with anxiety and depression and various thoughts on how to end life I cannot imagine taking control of an airliner and running it into a mountainside. It defies logic.

The story that caught my eye this morning was from an event held by Turkish Airlines. Apparently the CEO of Turkish Airlines told their new pilots that it would be best if they were married. Okay? Nothing against marriage but why would he say that? He feels that people with spouses are more stable. Interesting, to say the least. So if this particular fellow had been married the tragedy would not have happened?

My first inclination was to laugh off such a weird conclusion to a tragic event. But it got me thinking. I thought back to an Alan Jackson song. Please don’t hold that against me. I don’t particularly care for his music or his style of music. I can nasal my way through a lot of songs but it does nothing for me. However, I do recall a song he produced many years ago. Don’t recall the title, don’t recall the music. I recall one sentence and it went like this. “She is all I’ve got between the devil and me”.

I often wondered about this whole relationship concept, who helps who, who really is strongest. Then this morning I read a post from my brother who, and I would suggest his wife would say, finally admitted to the fact that through the years his wife had been right about so many things. I sensed in his writing that he could have come to this conclusion a little sooner. But I really don’t want to go there. That is his issue to deal with.

I thought back to the many challenges I have had in life and realize that my wife, my partner has kept me sane. Has kept me from the metaphorical crashing the plane into the mountain. Sometimes I have fought against her ideas. Sometimes I have even been right. I remember in 1997 when we were talking about. . . . oh never mind. She has been an incredible encouragement in my journey.

So instead of running the risk of having a whole bunch of husbands jumping down my throat let me expound on what I just said. The news article got me thinking about this. When I look around at some of my friends I think it is true. When I look in the mirror I know it is true. However I must be very clear on something. Relationships help all of us. Whether we are a wife, a husband, a partner, a friend. Whether male or female. Relationships provide us with the energy to face challenges in life. Never forget that. Never under estimate that. Work on relationships. It will be worth it. Make it a good one.

I Wanna Live

Been singing the song from our friend Mr. Young. Not going to recite the lyrics here but they are easily accessible.

As an aside I need to brag about one small point. For years, in my farm debt mediation work, I have been involved with Neil Young’s relative. Really. Then again, how many Youngs’ are there in Manitoba, never mind Cypress River.

This all has nothing to do with what I am about to say. In the past I have alluded to various challenges I have had particularly this last winter. It always seemed that my outlook on life was jaded by real life stories. And it felt like each time I got over one, or got some positive news, or more work, something bad would happen.

This week was no different. Monday night as I was just drifting off into what I was sure was going to be a minimum 3 hour sleep the phone rang. Fortunately the phone is on my wife’s side of the bed so I did the big fake sleep thing. Probably even faked a snore. When she hung up she was rather surprised that I asked who that was. She told me it was my oldest brother.

I left it at that and tried my best to have a decent night. Didn’t happen. You get a certain sense about things. He would not normally call me on my home number at that time of day. Him calling me that way left me with a chilling thought. Something was wrong. I thought back to our last conversations and recalled he had mentioned an issue he had that he needed to take painkillers for. I suspect if I had gone to my computer I could have written the script. Those thoughts haunted me all night.

I called him first thing in the morning, although I had to figure out the time difference between here and Saskatchewan and that in itself is a problem. Leaving that one till next time. As soon as he answered I knew my worst thoughts during the night had been right. He had gone through that infamous test that most of us try to joke about, but fail miserably, and the picture (no pun intended) was not good. The dreaded C word. The same issue that took our father many years ago. Not sure that matters. The C word brings about all kinds of thoughts, pictures we have seen, friends and family we have lost. To say it haunts me is an understatement.

It took a while before I had the emotional fortitude to call him again. I was amazed at his positive outlook on life. He felt he had been given a clear message. He realized life was not forever. That might mean a week, a year, 10 years, even a longer term where you wonder whether the first death might have been the best one. He said he had come to the realization that what he wanted, while his life allowed, was to, and I will quote him here; “I want to live, I want to love, and I want to write.”

I could relate more stories of how his own family is taken aback by his new approach. For me it has been interesting. When I spend my wakeful hours during the night thinking, I normally experience significant anxiety. Since my conversation with my brother I wake up and instantly say these words. “I want to live, I want to love and I want to write.” It has helped me. Looking forward to the challenges these words present. Looking forward to implementing those thoughts and words in my own life. Perhaps we can talk about this in the future. But most of all I send all positive energy to my brother. He will need it as he faces this challenge in his life. Make it a good one.