Relationships R Us

When I take a look around I am reminded, on a daily basis, of the amount of work farm women do. Read an article this week that suggested that farm women generally have three jobs. They are the primary care givers to their kids. Many have off farm jobs to help pay the bills. And at this time of year many hurry home from their day jobs, throw together a six course supper, do some laundry, help kids with their homework and rush out to the field to help bring in this years crop. Wow. I get tired just thinking of the amount of work they can accomplish.

That is just one of many relationships that we have. Relationships can prove to be difficult at times and, quite honestly, a lot of work. In spite of anything and everything else happening in our lives relationships must be maintained and enhanced otherwise they fall by the wayside.

During this busy time of year for farmers, the struggle and stress of getting the crop off, getting ready for winter and worrying about bills that will not be paid, wreaks havoc with relationships. The challenge is how to find that balance that keeps things intact till life slows down just a bit. Communication is helpful. In fact, read an article by one psychologist who suggested that even complaining helps. Accomplishes a couple of things. Number one gets it out of your system and secondly when you complain to someone else they generally normalize and validate your complaints, making you feel better about your situation.

As many of you assess and reassess your life take the time to build on relationships. My wife and I had the opportunity to have our kids, along with their significant others, home for the weekend. Spent some time cycling and hiking. Cheap entertainment but good for relationship building. Aside from the fact that my butt is still sore (not used to a bicycle seat) and my muscles still ache (seems to go on forever) the weekend turned out good. What a great way to renew and refresh relationships. I refer back to something I have said before. Relationships provide us with identity, purpose and direction. In essence, relationships and therefore community is a life giving, life defining, life nurturing process. Make it a good one.

Knowing My Limitations

What are a person’s limitations? Probably something that is tough to answer. How do I know what my limitations are without testing the limits? And most important, how do I test my limits?

I am talking about living within our mental capacity to handle stress. Seems that I have been on the line between living within my limitations and going overboard for some time now. So I have to step back and rethink “me”. Sounds weird. The question that I often have, when I assess or reassess, is how my capacity has changed over time. Having gone through significant challenges with stress and depression seems to have left me more vulnerable to stress and depression. So my limitations have changed.

Farmers this year, again, are experiencing circumstances that have the ability to destroy any sort of expectations that they might have had. This has the potential to greatly diminish one’s ability to handle stress in the future which can push one over the edge into depression. Each “event” reduces the capacity to handle stress.

How often have we seen people around us who appear to be “off” of what we normally expect from those people? I have even heard people say that if so and so would get off their butt they would be more successful. As a community and neighbor we need to be mindful of what others are experiencing. Perhaps they are overwhelmed and have lost the ability or capacity to carry on as per usual. Make it a point to talk to your neighbors. It will benefit both them and you. I know, I have been there. Make it a good one.

Rain, Rain Go AWAY. . . . . .

This was part of a headline in a paper I was reading this week. How true it is. This growing season opened with so much promise. I remember golf courses opening in March. Areas of the province that had experienced excessive moisture were poised to see a better year. Producers were relaxed as they began the arduous task of putting in their crop. Then the rains began. And once they began they couldn’t seem to stop. Some crops were never put in. Some crops never survived. Some crops survived only to be out in the fields now, waiting to be harvested. Who knows how they will turn out. Cattle producers in many areas have been left without sufficient feed supplies for the winter.

I know I am retelling a story that has become old for so many. And yet I am concerned as I talk to many producers through out the province who, again, have to rethink their farming businesses. Many of you are spending countless hours on machinery as you try your utmost to harvest the crop. As you sit on your tractors you have far too much time to think. And think we do. Far too often the theme of our thoughts is “what could have been”. Many times those thoughts are on the future. As resilient farmers we often say “well, there is always next year”. However, each year that becomes less and less of a sure thing.

Someone said to me today that he was getting tired “thinking about his thinking”. It becomes tiring. The challenge is to focus our thoughts on positives. Remember the blog where I mentioned living one day at a time? The idea is to think positive and avoid those negative thoughts that so easily take over. Mindfulness is a great tool to adjust our thinking. Taking the time each day to sit back and breath will payoff in dividends.

The other challenge is safety. As the days get shorter and as we hurry more and as stress mounts we lose focus of what is happening around us. When we are overwhelmed with stress our expectations become unrealistic. We lose our way. We are an accident waiting to happen. As we wait for the rain to pass and the sun to return, it’s important to remember the saying “there’s a lot to do, so we’d better go slow”.

Make it good one. Make a safe one.

Take Your Jack and . . . . . . . .

I alluded to the fact, last week, that I seemed to be in a negative mind set. I was reminded of darker days when my zest for life just wasn’t there. I didn’t like that feeling. Through the day my attitude would become better but in the mornings I just did not have the motivation to do anything. What happens to me at times like that is that I become resentful. I make mountains out of mole hills. I assume, jump to conclusions, and always make the worst out of a situation, even before it happens.

I am reminded of the story of a gentleman who was driving down a country road late at night. It so happens that he has a flat tire. He rummages through the trunk of the car and realizes that he has no jack. Being out in the middle of no where he was overcome with anxiety. As he ponders his situation he notices a light in the distance. He begins to walk. As he is walking he commiserates about the missing jack. He becomes more and more agitated wondering who is to blame. As he walks he also begins to imagine what type of reception he will get when he gets to the yard he is headed towards. As he nears the farmyard the lights in the downstairs of the house go off. He knows it is late so the people are obviously off to bed. He begins to imagine what will happen when he knocks at the door and how upset the people will be to be disturbed. He can also picture the angst of these people when a stranger asks to borrow a jack. As he walks up the lane the lights in the upstairs go off as well. Now he knows he is in real trouble. The people have gone to sleep. Now, not only is he interrupting their life, asking to borrow a jack, he is also going to be waking them. He knows that when they answer the door they will be very upset. And to think, it wasn’t even his fault that the jack is missing. He has worked himself into a real state by all the assumptions he has made. He knocks on the door. A person opens an upstairs window and lets the man know he will be right down. The man in turn shouts up; “don’t bother, you can take your @#$%& jack and stick it up your &*^%$#”.

Wow. Sounds just the way I react when I get into one of my negative mind sets. I have found that I must really focus on positive thinking. I know there is always some positive event that has happened or will happen. When all of that didn’t work for me this week, I listened to some music. Helped me in finding some balance again. What ever works. Make it a good one.

P.S. Mental note. Make sure the jack is in my trunk.

My Forgetterer is Getting Better

I seem to have been in a bad head space for the last week and it has resulted in some real harebrained results. Left Wednesday morning to spend some time in Winnipeg, doing business and, yes, you guessed it, play some golf. When I got to my kids’ house Wednesday evening I realized my laptop was not in my brief case. Panic hit. My first inclination was that it had been stolen. Then I realized I just might have left it home, although the power chord and the mouse were in my briefcase. I phoned home and sure enough, my wife said it was sitting on my desk, ready to go. Anxiety hit. I needed it. How could I spend the next days with out the laptop. Long story short, that is why this blog is being posted a few days late. As it turns out, life does go on without a computer. In fact sometimes I think of how good our parents had it without cell phones, laptops, tvs and other forms of technology. The world must have been so much smaller in those days. Perhaps if we could shrink our world our worries could be so much less. When I see what goes on outside my little world I can’t help but feel depressed. The flip side is that a lot of the stuff happening in the World, to other people, brings back some perspective to my own world.

Had lunch with a friend this week who shared some of his own struggles with addictions. Had my world not expanded I would never have had the opportunity to meet this gentleman. Although my heart ached when he shared some of his journey, I was also able to take home some lessons for myself as I try to make sense of the world I live in. Changes one’s perspective when you take the time to listen to others, while at the same time working on your own issues. My hope is that in some way I was able to be an encouragement to him as he was to me.

Played golf with some government muckety mucks (I say that with all due respect) this week. It was interesting to hear their perspective on agriculture. They expressed frustration at their inability to address many of the issues that need addressing. One in particular expressed frustrations at agriculture being one crisis after another. He would so much like to be able to implement policies that would see agriculture succeed in the long term. I thought, wait a minute. These are the same frustrations that many farmers have as well. Perhaps, just perhaps the goals of farmers and government are the same. But, I suppose, as long as we can barely keep up with crisis management, other long term goals seem to get lost.

Perhaps that is the same issues I have in my life. Crisis management. Never being able to address long term goals, in fact, sometimes wondering what my long term goals actually are. It seems that my emotional compass has become demagnetized. My emotional gas tank is empty. I need to retool. I need to refocus. Spending time with others helps in regaining a solid footing. As I have mentioned before, relationships give us identity, direction and purpose. Call someone you know who is struggling and take the time to listen to their story. I know it will help you as you continue your own journey. Make it a good one.

Will I Never Learn?

So I messed up. It was my wife’s birthday this week and, again, I came up way short. Not that she complained but others around me made sure they pointed out the errors of my ways. I would think that at my age I would have learnt. Not so. (Speaking of age, she is actually older than me now. Happens 4 months of the year and I make sure she never forgets.) So how do we treat the relationships we have. Take them for granted? Abuse them? Take advantage of them? Perhaps all of the above.

It has been said that “relationships provide us with identity, purpose and direction. In essence, relationships and therefore community is a life giving, life defining, life nurturing process”. In other words, relationships keep order in our lives. They keep us centered. So what is the best way to cultivate old and new relationships?

Communication is huge. Naturally, when you do not communicate the person or people, you are in a relationship with, have no idea what is going on. I am reminded of the couple who were not on speaking terms. When he went to bed at night he realized he would need to get his wife to wake him as he had an early flight to catch. So he put a note by her side of the bed asking her to wake him. When he woke up in the morning he realized that he had slept in and missed his flight. He was about to fly off the handle when he saw a note on his side of the bed which simply said, “it’s time to get up”. Not very effective.

Communication is a two way street. When people we love do not have honest and forth right communication with us we feel hurt and rejected. Always second guessing and never being sure of what really is going on in their lives. When that happens relationships suffer.

Other times it takes an effort to understand what the other person is saying. We all view the world in a unique way and often when we see what people close to us are doing or saying, we fail to understand. We jump to conclusions and assume the worst. (do I need to remind you what happens when we assume?) We need to be curious, open minded and prepared to explore, when people close to us talk or act in ways that we don’t understand. It may sound difficult. You will be surprised at the warm feeling you get when you are able to share what you are thinking. The feeling you get when both of you seek to understand.

Getting back to my wife’s birthday. I am trying to redeem myself. Have invited some neighbors for a bbq on Saturday. Note to self. Have to pick up a cake. Now I wonder, will my wife cook the meal? Make it a good one.

One Person's Journey

Anxiety is an interesting emotion that all of us will experience, some more than others. Anxious thoughts usually end in some sort of disaster. Someone walked into my office yesterday, (first walk in I had in my new digs) and accused me of backing into her car. I suppose being the owner of a maroon car has its liabilities. Needless to say I felt violated by being accused of something I had not done. One thought led to another and in no time I had visions of the police showing up at the door. One scenario even had me being led out of the office in hand cuffs. Sounds funny to some of you but that is a simple example of the way anxiety can grab hold of and control a person, if not reigned in.

The following words were written by someone very close to me. It was painful to watch this person battle the onslaught of anxiety. It caused anxiety in me to watch and yet I knew that words alone could not help this individual. It required a combination of medication, close friends and a pile of self therapy. It encourages me on my journey to watch and learn from others.

“A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with an anxiety problem. I have been fighting for my personal autonomy ever since. These are my thoughts:
Never has taking baby steps felt so much like taking giant leaps.
After trudging for days I can still see my starting footprints lying right behind me.
Yet every mile I push, that’s another two inches of bullshit I can leave behind forever.
Sure life can keep throwing left hooks at me,
but every time life knocks me down, that means I can get back up.
There aint no better feeling than that.
Bring it on life, I will not let my scars remain wounds!”

Similar to the words above someone once said that “scars remind us of where we have been but do not have to dictate where we are going”. If you are someone that is suffering from stress, anxiety or are debilitated by depression I would challenge you to take that first step to a brighter future. Lean on your supports, whoever they may be. Talking about it does help and if you are lacking a confidant in your life call the Manitoba Farm and Rural Stress Line or the Manitoba Crisis Line. There are always counselors on hand that can help you on the road to recovery. Make it a good one.