Wisdom to Know the Difference

Many of you are familiar with the serenity prayer. I have had it running through my head for some time now. Not sure when or why it started. But I have needed it on more than one occasion.

I took the opportunity last week to attend an annual district meeting for Hams. Many of you may not know what Hams is. Hams is an organization that evolved from Manitoba Pork Marketing, a group I was intimately involved in for many years. My reason for going was twofold, aside from the free lunch, of course. I wanted to meet people I had known through the years. Fellow producers, who have shown amazing resilience in facing the challenges of the industry for many years. As well, because I deal with producers in my mediation work, I was curious to see what the future might hold. I was interested to see whether there was hope for a turnaround anytime soon.

I found myself having an increased amount of anxiety as I sat and listened to the various reports. I found my mind wandering back to the days when I sat in those meetings as a producer. Back in the day I would try to glean whatever positives I could out of those meetings. Perhaps an increase in prices. Maybe feed prices will come down depending on drought conditions in the American mid west. Perhaps the soymeal crop in South America would be sufficient to put pressure on North American prices. Perhaps there will be an increase in free trade to the extent that our hog prices will rise. Perhaps production problems in other countries that would boost our prices. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Back in the day I was also in a leadership position and I recall speaking to hog producers at these meetings. As a leader it was important to present a realistic picture yet one that could provide hope. That in itself is a fine line. And as these situations drag on it becomes debilitating for anyone in leadership positions. Many times I would wonder why I was doing what I was doing. I would question my abilities. I would wonder whether someone different could provide better answers.

Notice how, as a producer, I would be consumed with what was going on in other parts of the world? Hoping that things would change elsewhere so that I could benefit? Things that were completely out of my control? As a leader I was taking on the responsibility of an industry. Getting to the point where I was taking the blame for other producer’s losses.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”. Many of the things I worried about were completely out of my control. There was no way that I could change that. It was then, as it is now, important for me to inventory the stress in my life and put aside those things that I cannot change and to accept the fact that I cannot change them.

“courage to change the things I can”. Now that I have put aside those things that I have no control over I can focus on the others. My list of stressors has become shorter and therefor more manageable. This eases a lot of pressure. However it does take significant courage to make some of the changes one has to make. For me it was an exit from farming. Sometimes in retrospect, I wish I had had the courage sooner. Change is daunting but can be so freeing.

“wisdom to know the difference”. It takes patience and practice. To be able to distinguish those things that we have control of. And when “stuff” happens, to have the ability, the discernment to understand when to accept a challenge or when to challenge it. Each time we do this our character grows, our emotions improve and our lives get better. Make it a good one.

Valentines Day

Dare I go here? It is early morning on February 13. I was to go to a meeting today but when I dragged my sorry butt out of bed at 5:00 this morning I had received a text, during the night, saying the meeting was cancelled. Okay, I have just varnished the truth a tad. At 5:00 this morning I actually, gently, I might add, suggested to my wife that it was time for her to get up. Just trying to help. It was actually 5:30 when I got up. For some strange reason I started singing that song, “good morning, good morning, we talked the whole night through, good morning, good morning to you”. Strange, because that didn’t happen. I mean talking the whole night through. No, really, where could that have come from?

Of course. Tomorrow is Valentine’s day. Yesterday the questions began. What are you doing for your wife on Valentine’s day? What are you going to buy her? You have a meeting here on Thursday, what are you going to buy us? Hang on a minute. Why is no one asking me what I will be getting? Is anyone bringing me chocolates? My memory isn’t that great but I don’t think anyone has ever bought me flowers, or chocolates, or diamonds for Valentine’s day. What’s up with that? Is this a gender thing? Are guys supposed to take the lead here? So many questions, so few answers.

So just to make sure I understand this, something that should have happened years ago, I googled Valentine’s day. Turns out it really began as a religious holiday. Then it morphed into something totally different. I will spare you a history lesson. It actually is rather boring. All I know is that the onus is on me to do something romantic.

When I was asked yesterday what I would be getting for my wife I became somewhat snide. In the words of one of my colleagues I became cheeky. Cheeky? Who me? As most of you know that would not be like me. Perhaps my defenses were up. I had not planned ahead for this special day coming up, when I need to express my love in ways that cost so much money and, in all likelihood, are so ineffective. After all I am a romantic, through and through. NOT.

My first response was to tell these folks that I had been married for thirty one years and so what if I did nothing special and besides that my wife does not appreciate flowers and on top of that what am I getting and besides that what is the worst thing that will happen and anyways I have something more important to be thinking about so there. Wow, almost lost my breath on that one. This is really getting to me.

Do I need to re-visit this? Perhaps. After my little rant yesterday one of the participants in this debate asked me why my wife had stuck with me all these years. That floored me. Good question. Not sure myself. That in itself is reason enough to do something special. Through thick and thin I have had a partner. I have struggled with so much crap in my life, most of it self-induced, and she has been there. Shown me the way. Helped me overcome hurdles that I had come to believe were unsurpassable. Never given up on me. Joined me on my journey. That is special. That defines a true friend. A partner. For that I will always be thankful. So instead of flowers, or diamonds, or chocolates here is a tribute to someone that has made my life special. Make it a good one.

Let’s Talk, Again

1 in 5 Canadians will experience a form of mental illness in their lives. This from Bell’s, Let’s Talk website. Apparently 500,000 Canadians a day miss work because of mental health issues. A scary thought, to say the least. The commercials put on by Bell this year paint a vivid picture. They hit home for me. Got me thinking.

I looked back and realized I wrote on the same topic a year ago. It seems to be an annual event. That in itself is a sad commentary. This should not be a once a year conversation. This should be an ongoing discussion. Mental illness is real. As stated above it is a serious problem for many. Awareness is key.

Recently I dealt with a situation that involved a person with significant mental health issues. As in most of the mediation files I work with the party on the “other” side was puzzled. How is this different from the other files we deal with? Why should we treat it differently?

Just prior to that question being asked they had explained how this person was not responding. They were not answering the phone. Mail was not picked up. Calls not returned. In my mind I just thought, “I rest my case”. It was because the person was not functioning. The stress in that person’s life had pushed her beyond the ability to cope. There was only darkness. There was no future.

It is not easy to make sense of this stuff. Not something we are used to. We need to recognize what is happening. When stress hangs around for a long period of time we begin to lose focus. We lose our ability to cope. We begin to look for change. In many cases, in sheer desperation, we look for help from above. We simply have given up on anything that makes sense. Anything that might have helped in the past. We cry for help.

Therein lies a problem. Often times we look in the wrong place. Mental health issues are not readily talked about. We feel embarrassed. Ashamed. Our self-esteem is shaken. We must recognize that we are experiencing a health issue. At one point, in talking to a client, I became frustrated. When I suggested that he needed to see a doctor, he had just described his symptoms, he wondered if seeking the help of a spiritual care giver would work. I asked him whether he would seek the help of that spiritual care giver if he broke his leg. Please don’t take that comment the wrong way. The point is that we need to recognize mental health issues for what they are. “Health” issues.

I have been reading a book that tells stories about people who have had various struggles in life. The story I read last night deals with a fellow who suffered significant abuse as a child. Although there are many details in the story, details that leaves the reader shaken, the point is made that his recovery could only begin when he began to talk about his issues. Issues that had ruined two marriages. Issues that left him feeling lost. Eventually he did begin to talk. And as he talked others talked as well. And the healing began.

There are two points here. First of all, if you suffer from any type of over whelming stress, anxiety, or depression, find someone to talk to. A family member, a neighbor, a professional. Anyone that will take the time to listen. Secondly, as part of a community, it is incumbent that we are more aware of people that are hurting. More aware of issues that are debilitating and life defining those close to us. We must all learn to talk more about mental health issues. Make it a good one.

The Next Step

Seriously? Minus thirty four? February 1? Should not be that way. Remember how I had suggested previously that the end of January was another milestone in surviving winter? Here we are and it would appear winter is still here and here with a vengeance. Even people who normally don’t complain are beginning to question the snow and the cold.

So along comes the groundhog. Who cares whether he sees his shadow or not. Does it really matter? We are in the depth of winter and I don’t really think a groundhog will change that. Especially in Manitoba where the official groundhog is a puppet, for crying out loud. So we waste our time and energy trying to figure out whether a puppet can see its shadow? Come on. Environment Canada may not always be accurate but surely we can do better than that.

It’s the kind of cold where rubber turns to steel. Normal asphalt becomes so hard that you could probably skate on it. You know where I am going with this. You look sideways once, just once, and out of the exhaust haze appears the back end of a bus. You take a quick look to see whether changing lanes is an option. There is frost on the window. There are no options. You slam on the brakes. Anti –lock Brake systems kick in. Traction control kicks in. Panic kicks in. Your life flashes before your eyes. Actually that was my wife telling me I should have put on those winter tires. I am sliding towards what can only be described as chaos. The only thing worse than hitting something is waiting to hit something. Why? Why is this happening?

I managed to stop on time. At this point my heart is beating at a minimum of 4 times what should be considered a normal heart rate. I need time to recover. The bus starts moving. I have no choice but to carry on. I commiserate about the cold. I look skyward. I see the sun. But wait. There are sun dogs. That means that cold weather is here for another six weeks. But that goes against what the ground hog told us. Is there hope? Will I survive?

I sent a message to one of my golfing friends. Simply asked when we might start the season this year. Hoping she could provide some hope. After all, the groundhog and the sun dogs are not helping. I need something. Fifty four more sleeps. That was her answer. Now I only need to figure out whether she knows. But then again, who am I to argue. It is that woman’s tuition. I hope she is right.

I just checked the weather. I notice that our normal highs are going up. The sun is providing some warmth. There is more daylight. Notice I did not say our days are getting longer? My wife suggested yesterday that she could almost imagine spring. That is what I am going with. Spring is around the corner. I will survive.

In the mean time I am finding my happy place. You got it. I am golfing in my imagination. The sun is warm. The grass is green. Worries are gone. Anxiety has gone into hibernation. I hit my first shot and see it disappear into the sun rise. I know I can do this. In my happy place I don’t even par the first hole. I settle for a bogy. It does not matter. I know there are better things to come. I love it. Make it a good one.

One Step At A Time

Over the course of the last two weeks I have talked to numerous people about stress management. It has been interesting and refreshing to compare stories with others. It seems that, without fail, everyone has significant stress in their lives. We live in a busy, hectic, fast paced world. It becomes difficult to find our place. The stress can become overwhelming. As we all know, this stress may be real or perceived. We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are. None the less, it is stress. One farmer I talked to, who is facing financial ruin, put it into perspective when he talked about the fact that most of his worries and concerns never materialized. I am reminded of the old man who said on his death bed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened.

One workshop participant came to me and shared how she had heard me on three different occasions over the last year. She went on to share how she took home the message but found it difficult to bring down her stress levels. She would try one of numerous coping tools but always ended up feeling like a failure. That only made the stress worse. She was frustrated. I challenged her to take it one step at a time. Baby steps even. To practice stress management techniques takes practice. Far too often we become so consumed with our lives we forget. Like everything else in life, it takes an effort. The results are worth it.

One of my greatest downfalls is an over exposure to stressors. Sure, as my psychologist has told me, my type of work can contribute to emotional distress. Dealing with people in crisis does that. Without realizing it, I am ingesting negativity. My emotional gas tank gets drained too quickly. I need to make that extra effort to keep gas in the tank. Even something as benign as facebook can create problems. I heard a news report this week that suggested that a large percentage of people who are on facebook have increased anxiety. I have at times felt that way. It always seems like my “friends”, and I use that term loosely, have only positives happening in their lives. They are away on holidays, they have made a new purchase, a new job. The list can be extensive. Others post extreme political views. These things have the ability to upset me. Hearing the news report actually cheered me up. It normalized and validated my own thoughts. Interesting how often I need to have my thoughts normalized and validated. News reports can have a tendency to add stress and anxiety. I used to watch a lot of news. Not so much anymore. News reports always seem to be negative. Always something bad happening in the world. My son showed me a website that only has good news stories. That is refreshing.

Last week I mentioned mindfulness as a coping tool. Have you been practicing that? We also need to laugh more. Laugh so hard that you have tears running down your legs. Okay, perhaps that comes with age. And no, that does not happen to me. Yet! Kids laugh up to 400 times a day. As adults that can drop to as low as 12. That is not enough. My week of vacation and the week of facilitating workshops provided many opportunities to laugh. Sometimes it did not take much. The bottom line is I came back refreshed. Laughing is good. It helps. Laughter can be the best medicine. Make it a good one.

Getting a Better Sleep

Did you know that you spend one third of your life sleeping? That means if you live to be 75 you will have spent 25 years sleeping. Almost seems like a waste of time. However, as I have found out this week, having the right amount of sleep is very important for maximising your life. In work and play.

Who knew? Having a hot bath before going to bed is a bad idea. I told someone just last week that I could sleep better if I had a bath before going to bed. Apparently that is not the case. I also should not be having anything hot to drink. No tea. Hmmm. Destroys some myths, me thinks.

Having done the tour with the Sleepless In Manitoba group has given me so many tools to utilize to better fall asleep. Not that I normally have issues, but like everything else, improving something like sleep can only be a benefit.

While participating in a call in radio show early this week, one caller asked which came first, stress or lack of sleep. My response was that it was not a chicken and egg thing, it is more a matter of each individual. In my work I see many people who are facing an incredible amount of stress and because of this have a difficult time sleeping. I have also heard from people who feel that their stress tolerance is lowered because they have a difficult time sleeping. Depends on who you are.

Aside from sleep issues such as sleep apnea, stress does create difficulties in sleep. Some people have a difficult time falling asleep. Others have no problem falling asleep but wake up during the night and when the anxiety hits, have a tough time going back to sleep.

I am like that. At times it felt like my brain was screaming for my body to shut down. Have a sleep. Perhaps it realized that when sleeping at least I would not be stewing about all the stress in my life, real or perceived. But then I would wake up and the anxiety would strike with a vengeance. That would make me toss and turn and not get the rest I so desperately wanted and needed. I learned a trick that really worked well for me and one that I still use. I found my happy place.

I realize that may sound hokey to some. However, let me explain. As you know by now I am an avid golfer. So what I would do is conjure up a golf game in my mind. I would pick a golf course that I know well and start playing it in my mind. It worked. Not sure I ever made it past the 4th hole and I would be back asleep.

In reality it is a form of mindfulness. Mindfulness is an excellent tool to use. It is a well-known fact that it is virtually impossible to force anxious thoughts from your mind. It is a lot easier to force pleasant thoughts into your mind. Doing a breathing exercise also works well. Take the time to breath. Take note of air going through your nose as you inhale. Feel the various sensations in your body as the lungs fill. Then exhale. Clear your mind as you do this and focus only on breathing. This takes practice but works. It brings you back to the present. Away from those thoughts that are creating anxiety, thoughts of things that happened in the past and fears for tomorrow. Try it. It works. Make it a good one.

Countdown to Spring

I saw an interesting post on Facebook. Someone suggested that now that Christmas was done we were into a countdown to spring. Works for me. Similar to how I felt when we finally hit December 21. We all have certain checkpoints. A point in time that we realize the next step has come. My next checkpoint is January 31. If I make it till then I will have conquered winter, again. I know. There is February which can be cold. March has a mind of its own. Last year the golf courses opened middle of March. Earliest ever. Could we be so lucky again?

During this time of year many people plan a holiday. Find some place warm to go. Get away. Life has this tendency to become tedious. Stale. We need to get away. Many times it becomes a matter of filling the emotional gas tank. Our jobs get to us.

I am no different. I lucked out. Got an invitation to join three others for a week of golf in Phoenix. Never gone on a holiday without my better half. It feels strange planning this. A certain amount of guilt. I know she needs a holiday more than I do. When we moved last spring she changed jobs. Aside from adapting to a new place to live my work continued as it had been. Now I am the one that gets to take a week off. Not quite fair. Will have to find a way to pay her back for this one. Hopefully my emotional gas tank will be over flowing when I get back.

I suspect that there is a very fine line between needing to recharge the batteries and escaping from the reality we call life. Why does it seem that so many people do not seem satisfied with life? So many seem to be searching. What is it that we are looking for? Financial independence? Relationships without challenges? Health challenges? What really would it take to be able to sit back and say, “I have it made”? I wish I knew the answer to that. I see people who have no financial worries and yet they are not happy. I see people in relationships that are better than I could ever imagine but are not happy. I see people that have achieved their life goals but keep searching. I see people that seem confused and lost. What is it? What are we looking for?

Read an interesting quote the other day. “Instead of wondering where your next vacation is, maybe you ought to set up a life you don't need to escape from.” -Seth Godin. It got me thinking. Perhaps that needs to be our focus. Perhaps what we are looking for is right there in front of us. In other words we might already have found what we keep searching for, just don’t recognize it. Life is too short to spend it in some futile search for something unknown, supposedly better. But life is also too short to keep doing what we are doing if we are just not happy. Make life changes before life changes. Make it a good one.