I Wonder Why

News headline of the day. “U.S. prison officials accidently kill man they were trying to execute.”

Seriously. Not kidding. Found in the April 30, 2014 edition of the National Post.

Last night as I was trying to settle down and get, at minimum, a decent night’s sleep I thought of the title for this because there are two things that I want to mention. Okay. Rant. I need to rant. The point being that the headline mentioned above has nothing to do with what I am about to say. It just caught my eye as I was trying to wake up with my morning coffee. Although it did make me wonder.

I need to give credit to a lot of people. I have a new sense of appreciation for all these folks that I see deftly handling whatever mode of communication is the flavor of the day. So I needed a new phone. Well, perhaps not a phone but a new number. I suppose after two years it was time to get rid of the Brandon number. Tough to do. I have had that since 1991. That is when I got my first cell phone. How things have changed. I have gone from a bag phone to a “brick” to little device called a flip phone to a Blackberry to an Iphone and numerous different versions in between. HELP.

It wasn’t supposed to happen that way but it did. I was coerced into purchasing the Iphone. So I am learning new technology again. Not any easier than it has been in the past. Then I wonder why. Why do we need this technology? Why do I feel lost without a phone attached to my hip? Why do I have to be in constant contact? Why, why, why? Gets very frustrating.

For the last six months, pretty close to the day, I have been wondering when the golf course would open. I missed golf. I missed the camaraderie of my golfing friends. I missed the exercise. I missed the thrill of hitting a ball on the sweet spot. I missed the feel of winning some money. Albeit pocket change.

Last night I had an invitation to venture out. First round of the year. Half way through the round I was desperately trying to figure out why I would want to partake in this sport. The grass was brown. The wind was howling. The ground was wet. The greens were not green. After 15 holes I was down most of my life savings, or approximately $3.25. I was tired. My feet hurt. Really? I wondered why.

Then as the sun was setting and the wind chill dipped to a balmy -20 we approached the 17th hole. Dead into the wind. I used a knock down shot, whatever that means. I lost sight of the ball as it sailed into the horizon. My partners suggested it was good although I have no idea how they knew. They were pouring fireballs. Somehow that seemed much more appropriate. Nonetheless as I walked up to the green I saw my ball. Pin high. Just a matter of putting it into the hole. And I did. From thirty feet. A birdie. A win. Nothing else mattered.

After that I did not need to wonder anymore. I knew I would be back. I know the conditions will get better. I will figure out my phone. I will figure out this game called golf. I will figure out this thing called life. It is called keeping the faith. And that, quite frankly, is all I have. Faith. Let’s see how that works out for me. Make it a good one.

Let’s Open A Window

As many self-employed people know there are times when it seems that we will never catch up to the work we have committed to. Perhaps commitments made in weak moments. Perhaps commitments made when we remembered the last time we were short on work. Regardless of the situation we find ourselves over doing it. We become tired. We become discouraged. We plug along hoping to someday catch up.

Then there are times when we have no work lined up. Seems to be feast or famine. Then we struggle to find work. Some of us struggle with self-esteem. We wonder if our gig is up. I keep being reminded of that saying; “inside each self-assured professional is a neurotic hoping to succeed before he is found out”. Does that mean I am busted? Found out? Perhaps there is nothing left for me. Perhaps being a Walmart greeter is all I can hope for.

Then I sit back and look at what I have done over the last years. I realize that I have a certain expertise I can share. Share with others so they too can enjoy life. I should not sell myself short. But I do. This week I have been pushed, pulled and dragged into an endeavor I am not sure about. Advertise myself? Promote? Really?

So my son is helping me in a business make-over. I have heard of some women, and an occasional man, go for a make-over. Not entirely sure what that consists of. Not entirely sure I want to know. When I look in the mirror I can only wish for a make-over. I suspect what I see is what I get and I better get used to it. Business wise I am open to suggestions.

My son has thrown down the gauntlet. Insists I market myself and that to do that effectively will mean some changes. You mean the website I have had for eight years doesn’t cut it anymore? Apparently not. I need to change it up. And add things. I need to sit back and write about what I do, what I enjoy doing and what it is that should make people curious about what I do and provide them ample reasons to pay me to do what I like to do.

All of this means stepping outside of the box. Not sure what it is. My age? My background? Seems difficult to do. Like an old worn out comforter. I know what makes me feel good. So leave it be. That apparently doesn’t cut it. So I am working on it.

The other evening when we were slowing down for the night, sitting back and catching our breath, I lamented to my wife that this new world we were entering felt uncomfortable. She looked at me and said; “Let’s open a window and see if we can get a breeze”. I like it. Open a window and see if we can get a breeze.

How often do we limit ourselves to what we have? Afraid of what is beyond our comfort zone. Not sure of who we are. Not sure of who we want to be. Just leave me alone. Things will work out. Sometimes the challenge becomes to step outside the norm. Remember? Make life changes before life changes. I need to work on that. Not easy, but here goes. Make it a good one.

Why Do I Do This

For some strange reason I have signed up to a counselling course. For some time I have felt the urge to shake it up, step outside the routine, perhaps even learn and add to some of the tools I already have. Perhaps even start using the tools I already know about but seem to forget when I most need them.

There is a certain irony to my participation in these workshops. I have often said that my ability to facilitate or present on many of the topics I do is not because of an academic background. Rather it is because of what I have experienced and what I have learned from others on this journey called life. So when I attend workshops such as Mental Health and Addictions, Depression, and Anxiety I wonder whether I am there to help me help others or whether I am there to find out more about myself. And ultimately, I suspect, if I find out more about myself I should be in a better place to help others.

The participants in the workshop come from a diverse selection of professionals. They all have jobs in areas that these topics pertain to. They have various academic backgrounds. A wide range of experience in dealing with messed up people. Some stories were truly heart breaking. I have a lot of respect and admiration for people who choose to work with people experiencing mental health challenges. Without them far too many of us would be lost.

Quite often, in fact, far too often, I felt like screaming. I found myself in a room with professionals trying to learn how to deal with the likes of me. Someone who has had addiction issues, someone who just this week experienced anxiety like never before, someone who slips in and out of depression far too often. So often I felt like what they were discussing would not be helpful. Far too often it seemed like a clinical approach that felt just like the term suggests. Clinical. As much as people tried it seemed that they did not get it. But then again, why would they?

In my mediation work with people injured in motor vehicle accidents I hear countless stories of various, and often times, serious injuries. As much as I try to understand what a broken leg feels like, as much as I have read and heard about concussions, as much as ongoing treatments appear to be necessities, I will never truly understand the depths of misery those types of injuries can create. All I can do is deal with those issues as best I can based on my training.

There is an old American Indian proverb that goes like this. “Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.” I have always thought of this in a broader sense. Not about criticism. Rather understanding. Can we really understand someone unless we have had similar experiences? Perhaps. Can I be taught to better help and empathize with them? Absolutely. Let me reiterate. There are many professionals out there doing a truly amazing job of dealing with people who are struggling. For that I am thankful.

In the last workshop I attended, the one on depression, I did come away with one significant truth. Far too often I cannot remember a quote. This one I do and will for some time to come. It simply says this. “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.” William Gibson. Make it a good one.

What Would I Say?

Not sure what to use as a title for what I am about to talk about. Not even sure what I will say. However I saw a post on Facebook today that has me thinking. A friend of mine, okay, in reality a relative, someone I spent hours with growing up but since have lost touch with, posted an interesting question.

It was actually a picture with a question. And as is often the case words will not do justice to the picture. Let me try. The picture is of a bench perched on a hill overlooking a beach. A beach with small waves coming in. Perhaps it’s the tide. Perhaps it is the relentless surge of ocean waters. Ever wonder what stories waves would have if they could talk? If they could tell us where they have been? What they have seen? Similar to the stories each one of us could tell if we took the time to think back. Stories of happy times. Stories of sad times. Stories, nonetheless.

The question with the picture asked this. “If you could sit on this bench and chat for one hour with anyone from the past or present who would it be. . . ? That got me thinking. Perhaps because I sense the pain that this friend is feeling from having lost someone near and dear to them. Perhaps it is because it reminds me of people who have had a significant impact on my life.

The first person I thought of when I saw the picture was my uncle. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned chatting with an uncle? The one that expressed a desire to be able to work? As fate may have it he passed away this week. As much as he had had health challenges the passing was rather unexpected. It got me thinking.

The same day that I saw the posted picture I mentioned I also saw another friend, and again a relative, and, yes, I have a number of them, wishing a happy birthday to a father that passed on a few years ago. She was fondly remembering the direction and guidance he had provided.

All of this got me thinking about my father. Not sure an hour would be enough to talk about all I would like to chat about with him. And somehow I suspect he might have a few questions, or comments, of his own. I suspect he would wonder how I got to where I am from where I was. He would be curious about my life. My kids’ life. Even my grandson. He would try to connect the dots.

His passing was much too early in life. There is so much more that we could have shared. There is so much more that he could have offered me as I meander through this mine field called life. There are times when I wish I could seek advice from someone that has walked the walk. Unfortunately that is not the case with my father. All I can do is try to learn from the tid bits of his life I can remember.

But from all of this I can also learn to cherish the moments in life I have. It is so easy to look around and wish for something else. Something better. I need to credit a friend of mine who, this week after I had commiserated about an issue, challenged me that I have so many things to be thankful for. And he is right. I do. The challenge is to focus on the positives. May not always include what I would want but positives nonetheless. And most of all cherish life and the people around us. That may change and may change unexpectedly. Make it a good one.

Keep On The Sunny Side

Looking out the window keeping on the sunny side should not be difficult. Clear skies and sunshine. Looks positive. However, step out the door and one’s perspective quickly changes. A brisk wind. 15 degrees below normal. You really have to ignore the fact that yesterday was technically the first day of spring. It has become rather tedious.

I have thought long and hard about what I wrote last week. There is something that does not sit right with me. Not that I don’t agree with what I wrote. Perhaps it is more of a matter that I should expand on it. Keeping perspective, as we do with the weather, is good. We need to do that. However we also need to be realistic. As much as we have officially entered spring, as much as we know that it will happen some day and as much as we realize that it could be worse we also have certain wants and wishes. We should not ignore them.

Some years ago, after having talked to a group on depression, a participant approached me and began sharing some of the struggles he was having. He could relate too many of the things I had just talked about. But then he said that he really had nothing to complain about. You see. Just the day before Haiti had experienced a devastating earthquake. He felt chagrin, and perhaps even shame, at even thinking he had problems compared to what millions were going through in that country.

This is where we need to tread very carefully. As much as we try to keep things in perspective we must remain cognizant of what we are experiencing. Suggesting that other people are experiencing something worse than us and therefore we should just be happy is not being fair to ourselves.

I would suggest that no matter what we are experiencing we could always find someone that is in a worse situation. And to a degree that does bring about some relief. But it does not fix our problem. Regardless of what is happening in another country, regardless of what my uncle is going through, regardless of what I just heard from my cousin, regardless of the dilemma I dealt with this morning, regardless of how someone else is experiencing health issues, regardless, regardless, regardless. If I am feeling despondent, sad or upset about issues in my life those issues are important, need to be dealt with and cannot and should not be minimized.

We all have a right, we all have the need and we all should feel upset about things happening in our lives that bring pain, hurt or mental anguish. That is normal. However, having these issues fester and stew and control our lives is a problem. That is where the idea of “making it a gooder” comes in. Remember when I talked about mindfulness in the past? Finding your happy place?

Hence the title to this diatribe. Keep on the sunny side. Perhaps that is all we have. I often find that I beat myself up. Think I could have and should have done better. Blame myself for my misery. Becomes a very lonely world. I read some words of wisdom today. They challenged me to be gentle with myself. To never underestimate my own strength. That gave me a sense of comfort. A sense of direction. Perhaps I never will have today, what I think will make me happy, what I think would only be fair. But what I have today can make me happy. That is the key. Keep on the sunny side. Make it a good one.

Make It A Gooder

Last night my wife and I were watching a movie. If you had been fortunate enough to watch through the window you would have laughed. Every time a commercial came on we would run to our separate laptops to check weather. I know. Some of you are thinking that there would be nothing as funny as watching us through a window. The weather was bizarre. Zero visibility. I posted on Facebook that two years ago the golf course had opened and it had been plus 18. Not so much this year.

As I watched on radar and out the window I heard a long sigh from across the room. Another week was beginning and, quite frankly, we had no idea what it would bring. My wife looked at me and said we needed to make it a gooder. A gooder? Not sure that is a word but I knew exactly what she meant. We have the ability to control our destiny.

Okay. That really is a load of crap. We are not able to control our destiny. Do you ever stop and think what the world would look like if you had control? Much different. Let me assure you. However I do understand a quote I read this weekend. “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react.”

After the blinding snow storm yesterday I took my mother to some medical appointments this morning. The driveway was plugged. Roads were slippery. However I made it. Saw numerous other people that were not as lucky. Came close myself. Ever realize how helpless you are when another car is headed right for you? I saw it coming. I braced for the crash. It didn’t happen. Not sure my heart rate has recovered yet. That would have been a gooder. I don’t think that is what my wife was referring too when she suggested we make it a gooder.

Her suggestion made me think. How often do we or people around us mope through life? We grunt and groan and try to make it from one day to the next. We sit and ponder how life is so unfair. What if the weather was nicer? What if my job paid more? What if I had more money? What if I didn’t have these challenges? I suspect we could always ask “what if”.

In my journeys this morning I stopped in at an uncle and aunt. They needed something to be picked up at the Pharmacy. I did that. I delivered it. I stopped for a fleeting moment for a chat. It was an eye opener.

My uncle had a stroke a number of years ago. It has been devastating for him and for the family. A fellow that used to be active in life. Enjoyed football. A long time season ticket holder to the Bombers. But a life irrevocably changed by a health challenge. A health challenge that confines him to a wheel chair. Trust me. Not what he wants.

As I got up to leave, telling them I needed to get to work, my uncle looked at me at said that he would like to be able to work. He would like to be clearing snow, take out the garbage, and look forward to cutting the grass. But life has dealt him a different card. He can only look out the window and wish. However, the smile on his face was enough to make my day. My aunt told a story that gave me a good belly laugh. I saw a home where there was a real effort to overcome the challenges that this imperfect planet has to offer us.

Gave me a new perspective. As much as I complain. As much as I wish the weather would improve. As much as I wish that I could win the lottery. I know that life is okay. I know that life could be so much more challenging than it really is. I know that at this point I have the ability to make it a gooder. And I know that I will try. Make it a good one.

Diary of a Manitoban

Someone sent me the story below. I think it says it all. My apologies for any language that might offend. Then again, maybe not. Enjoy.



December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first
snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely
snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came
back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the
ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I
had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was
right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell
today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45
minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today,
and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the
house this morning. What, is she nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I
think she's lying.

December 24: 6".
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a
heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow,
I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my
broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me
to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the
!=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She is really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above
-50. Still snowed in. The WIFE is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?


December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now
suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but
also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.


December 31: I set fire to
what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?