It took a while but I think it is safe to say “Spring is sprung and the grass is riz”. It is a time for optimism. A time for regrowth. This past weekend brought the warmer temperatures, gale force winds calmed, it was downright nice weather. Particularly for golf.
Over the last few days I have also noticed increased activity in the fields. Farmers are getting at it. After months of waiting, planning, fixing, and generally getting ready, they are putting in the 2016 crop. For the most part they too are filled with optimism. Although, metaphorically speaking, there appear to be some storm clouds in the distance. Some issues, particularly financial, have created some anxiety. Commodity prices have softened from the levels experienced over the last few years. It seems that costs keep going up regardless. Forecasts are calling for a hot, dry summer. However farmers prove time and time again that they have resilience. They have what it takes. They are innovative. They adapt. They can do this.
This busy time of year also provides opportunity for thought. What else do you do as you put in countless hours going up and down the fields on your tractors? You think. You plan. I suspect that there will be those who will wonder whether it is time to call it a day and sell out. Many are wondering if it is time to leave it to the next generation. Perhaps there are those who will wish they had started the conversation sooner.
The thought of transitioning from the farm, whether selling or passing on to the next generation, can be frightening. Questions abound. Will my kids want to farm? Are they capable? What will I retire on? What will I do? Where will I live? How will this work? Who can help me? This is but a sampling of questions many ask. It becomes so overwhelming that many just simply ignore what needs to be done.
The challenge becomes to take the process one step at a time. There are many steps involved in a transition plan. That is why it is best to start with the first step without thinking too far ahead. Normally that first step would be to have a conversation. A conversation with your spouse, your partner and your kids. Through the conversation come to an understanding of what everyone’s expectations are. They may be different than you thought. Others may have assumed what you wanted only to find out they were wrong. The conversation will get everyone on the same page.
Not to scare anyone, but these conversations may be difficult at times. Many interests, fears, concerns, and desires may have been avoided over the years. The reality of the farm and all that goes with it may not have been truly understood. What may be equitable will not feel fair. With increased challenges on the farm there may be some who no longer want to farm. All these challenges bring fear to the retiring generation and the succeeding generation. The solutions may not be easy to come by but with the right intentions and hard work a successful plan can be implemented.
The good news is there are professionals that can help with the various components of a plan. There are those who can assist with the difficult conversations. There are those who can help mapping out the process. It is a matter of retaining that help and getting on with the plan. Make it a good one.
“Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe. You’re strong. You got this. Take it day by day.” Karen Salmansohn
The Recovering Farmer
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Monday, May 2, 2016
Can I Rely on You
I don’t know about you but I am suffering from election fatigue. I know, I should get over it as the election in Manitoba, which started shortly after the federal election, is finally over. However it feels like a hangover. Perhaps it’s because there is still a constant barrage of election “stuff” coming from south of the border. That in itself is scary enough. I mean the people involved. But I am not going there.
Shortly after I posted my last blog I realized that what I had written did not necessarily apply to all walks of life. I wrote about the fact that everyone makes mistakes, we all experience failures, we all mess up but should not let our failures define our lives, who we are, and who we will be. However, as has again been proven, if you want to be involved in politics past mistakes, errors, or failures will come back to haunt you. Far too often an election boils down to who we can trust the most.
What is it that we, as a society, want? What are we looking for? Trust. Plain and simple. We want to trust others. Our spouses, our partners, our kids, our colleagues, people we do business with, and those that are in power, such as politicians. And equally so others want to trust us.
I like one of the definitions of trust that the Encarta Dictionary has. Trust means to “rely on somebody or something”. It goes further and states that it means “to place confidence in somebody or in somebody's good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or ability. . . to allow somebody to do something, having confidence that the person will behave responsibly or properly”. It does not sound complicated but, unfortunately, can be.
Patrick Lencioni, a management consultant specializing in organizational health, talks about trust being at the very foundation of a team. In his book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, he outlines a compelling case for trust being that foundation. As he puts it, “members of great teams trust one another on a fundamental, emotional level, and they are comfortable being vulnerable with each other about their weaknesses, mistakes, fears, and behaviors”. He goes on to explain why this is essential for teams to be effective and efficient.
That same concept can be applied in most any, if not all, relationships we have. How can any relationship thrive with the absence of trust? Lack of trust leads to break downs, break ups, conflict, and lack of commitment. It destroys relationships. It destroys teams. It destroys individuals. Like the Irish saying goes, “when mistrust comes in, love goes out.”
Being involved with others, being able to trust others, requires us to be authentic. And to be authentic requires us to become vulnerable. Open ourselves up. That in itself is a scary thought. We have a tendency to hide behind walls. We are frightened at the thought of others finding out who we really are. But when we practice this we see ourselves and others in a different light. It opens up a whole new world. Yes, at times uncomfortable, but overtime it builds that trust. Trust in yourself. Trust in others. It works. Trust me. Make it a good one.
You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.” Mandy Hale
Shortly after I posted my last blog I realized that what I had written did not necessarily apply to all walks of life. I wrote about the fact that everyone makes mistakes, we all experience failures, we all mess up but should not let our failures define our lives, who we are, and who we will be. However, as has again been proven, if you want to be involved in politics past mistakes, errors, or failures will come back to haunt you. Far too often an election boils down to who we can trust the most.
What is it that we, as a society, want? What are we looking for? Trust. Plain and simple. We want to trust others. Our spouses, our partners, our kids, our colleagues, people we do business with, and those that are in power, such as politicians. And equally so others want to trust us.
I like one of the definitions of trust that the Encarta Dictionary has. Trust means to “rely on somebody or something”. It goes further and states that it means “to place confidence in somebody or in somebody's good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or ability. . . to allow somebody to do something, having confidence that the person will behave responsibly or properly”. It does not sound complicated but, unfortunately, can be.
Patrick Lencioni, a management consultant specializing in organizational health, talks about trust being at the very foundation of a team. In his book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, he outlines a compelling case for trust being that foundation. As he puts it, “members of great teams trust one another on a fundamental, emotional level, and they are comfortable being vulnerable with each other about their weaknesses, mistakes, fears, and behaviors”. He goes on to explain why this is essential for teams to be effective and efficient.
That same concept can be applied in most any, if not all, relationships we have. How can any relationship thrive with the absence of trust? Lack of trust leads to break downs, break ups, conflict, and lack of commitment. It destroys relationships. It destroys teams. It destroys individuals. Like the Irish saying goes, “when mistrust comes in, love goes out.”
Being involved with others, being able to trust others, requires us to be authentic. And to be authentic requires us to become vulnerable. Open ourselves up. That in itself is a scary thought. We have a tendency to hide behind walls. We are frightened at the thought of others finding out who we really are. But when we practice this we see ourselves and others in a different light. It opens up a whole new world. Yes, at times uncomfortable, but overtime it builds that trust. Trust in yourself. Trust in others. It works. Trust me. Make it a good one.
You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.” Mandy Hale
Friday, April 15, 2016
Recovering From Failure
As an avid golfer I tend to draw life lessons from golf, as some of you will have noticed over the years. In fact, some may argue, my life revolves around golf. Perhaps that is why my winters tend to be long, drawn out affairs because of the lack of golf. The Masters seems to be the start to my season of hope and recovery. It is the first “major” of the year. It heralds the beginning of my golf season. And as such my course has opened for the year, although it is still brown and dusty. I have not been out but have been to the driving range to see whether I actually have any muscle memory left.
For the record I did not watch all of the Masters. I do record it and then can watch the bits and pieces at my own pace. However I did switch on the TV on Sunday just to see where play was at. Earlier it had appeared that it would be another run away win by Jordan Spieth and as much as I like the guy I prefer to watch tournaments that are close and make for some excitement. I switched on just in time to watch Spieth have a meltdown. At the start of the back nine he was up by four strokes. The he bogeyed the tenth hole and the eleventh hole. Disaster struck on the par 3 twelfth. He had a quadruple bogey. In a tournament that he had led for seven consecutive rounds, going back to the start of last year’s Masters, he was suddenly four strokes behind. As much as he tried he could not regain the lead and ended up tied for second.
In the post-game festivities, where he had to stick around to put the green jacket on the winner, he looked shell shocked. His voice cracked in an interview viewed by millions around the world, viewers that were shocked by the turn of events. As someone suggested to me he was probably still angry when he deposited his cheque for $880,000, prize money for second place. My thought being that all my problems would go away if I could only get that kind of cash for four days of golf on a pristine golf course. Oh well, I can dream.
For Spieth it is not about the money. Monday morning I listened to a talk show that was focusing on the recovery from failure that Spieth would need to go through. All of us have failures in life. The list could be, and probably is, endless. Financial failures. Relational failures. Personal failures. Employment failures. Family failures. Health failures. And more. These can be quite significant. Other times it is relatively minor failures that seem to destroy our very being. We set goals, sometimes unrealistic, that we find difficult to meet. Some of us have a tendency to become consumed by failure. And when that happens we lose out on the opportunities of the future. We are so intent of looking in the rear view mirror that we run into obstacles that crop up in front of us.
So it needs to be a learning process, to educate and get better. We must be willing to dust ourselves off, stand up, and try again. Use the understanding and knowledge of the failure to build a foundation from which you can grow and flourish and maintain perspective. The key is not to be spooked by failure but rather to have a willingness to fail again, because if we don’t take risks, if we don’t step outside of our comfort zone, we will not become better. And, most important of all, forgive ourselves for the failure. Without forgiveness we will continue to beat ourselves up which inevitably will lead to more failures. Make it a good one.
“Forget past mistakes and forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now and do it.” William J. Durant
For the record I did not watch all of the Masters. I do record it and then can watch the bits and pieces at my own pace. However I did switch on the TV on Sunday just to see where play was at. Earlier it had appeared that it would be another run away win by Jordan Spieth and as much as I like the guy I prefer to watch tournaments that are close and make for some excitement. I switched on just in time to watch Spieth have a meltdown. At the start of the back nine he was up by four strokes. The he bogeyed the tenth hole and the eleventh hole. Disaster struck on the par 3 twelfth. He had a quadruple bogey. In a tournament that he had led for seven consecutive rounds, going back to the start of last year’s Masters, he was suddenly four strokes behind. As much as he tried he could not regain the lead and ended up tied for second.
In the post-game festivities, where he had to stick around to put the green jacket on the winner, he looked shell shocked. His voice cracked in an interview viewed by millions around the world, viewers that were shocked by the turn of events. As someone suggested to me he was probably still angry when he deposited his cheque for $880,000, prize money for second place. My thought being that all my problems would go away if I could only get that kind of cash for four days of golf on a pristine golf course. Oh well, I can dream.
For Spieth it is not about the money. Monday morning I listened to a talk show that was focusing on the recovery from failure that Spieth would need to go through. All of us have failures in life. The list could be, and probably is, endless. Financial failures. Relational failures. Personal failures. Employment failures. Family failures. Health failures. And more. These can be quite significant. Other times it is relatively minor failures that seem to destroy our very being. We set goals, sometimes unrealistic, that we find difficult to meet. Some of us have a tendency to become consumed by failure. And when that happens we lose out on the opportunities of the future. We are so intent of looking in the rear view mirror that we run into obstacles that crop up in front of us.
So it needs to be a learning process, to educate and get better. We must be willing to dust ourselves off, stand up, and try again. Use the understanding and knowledge of the failure to build a foundation from which you can grow and flourish and maintain perspective. The key is not to be spooked by failure but rather to have a willingness to fail again, because if we don’t take risks, if we don’t step outside of our comfort zone, we will not become better. And, most important of all, forgive ourselves for the failure. Without forgiveness we will continue to beat ourselves up which inevitably will lead to more failures. Make it a good one.
“Forget past mistakes and forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now and do it.” William J. Durant
Friday, April 8, 2016
The Heebe Geebees
I used the term heebe geebees in my last posting. I had no idea whether this was actually part of the English language till I googled it. The Urban Dictionary (don’t know if it is legitimate) defines it as “something that gives a person a sense of dread and fear, also means it freaks the f@&k out of a person”. It perfectly describes what I was trying to portray.
The Masters is on this week. A golf tournament that many people enjoy watching, myself included, for various reasons. First off the golf course, located in Augusta, Georgia, is one of, if not the premier golf courses ever. From the drive down magnolia lane to the blooming azaleas to the lush green fairways and the undulating greens. The best of the best gather here on an annual basis to try to beat the odds. To win a coveted green jacket and the prestige that accompanies the win. And as golf goes it will show you incredible shots, mediocre attempts, and complete melt downs.
I found it rather ironic that just as I had done whining about my putting woes, particularly as it concerns the elimination of anchored putters, I witnessed a spectacle not often, if ever, seen. Ernie Els, a 46 year old, four time major champion, six putted a green. Not just any green but the first hole. Those six putts came from within five feet of the hole. Talk about the heebe geebees. If not then certainly those putts will linger in his thought patterns for numerous putts to come. I suspect as much as he would have liked to pack it in at that point he carried on. In a post-game interview he suggested that something like that mental lapse could well drive someone to quit the game. But he showed resilience and finished the round.
I can well imagine the shame and embarrassment he felt, playing in front of all the fans that attend the Masters and the millions that watch the tournament on TV. Never mind the fact that his debacle on that first green will be part of the highlight reel for days to come. I can well imagine his inner critic having a heyday with this. Mocking him. Swearing at him. Telling him what an idiot he is. It will take immense effort on his part to quiet the demons, to regain some sense of sanity after those short minutes of insanity.
All of us have those lapses where everything considered to be normal becomes anything but. All of us have inner critics. And all of us, some more than others, beat ourselves up when we screw up and even when we don’t. Often times we are our own worst judge. Always second guessing, wondering what went wrong. I have alluded to moments where I have a memory from the past that makes me literally swear at myself. Happened just this week when I remembered something from 1978. Go figure.
How can we quiet that inner critic, that judgemental self that seems to be perched on our shoulder? Perhaps we need to take a step back and reassess. Re-configure this “judge” that seems to make us think less of ourselves. Me thinks if I had an opportunity to talk to Ernie Els today I would not be telling him the same things he is telling himself. I imagine the conversation would include snippets of the numerous wins he has had on tour. It would include a piece on self-compassion. It would include a challenge to get up, dust himself off, and be proud of all he has accomplished and will accomplish in the days, weeks, and years to come. Is that not the way we should treat ourselves? I think so. Make it a good one.
“If you talked to others the way you talk to yourself, would you have any friends?”
Rick Warren
The Masters is on this week. A golf tournament that many people enjoy watching, myself included, for various reasons. First off the golf course, located in Augusta, Georgia, is one of, if not the premier golf courses ever. From the drive down magnolia lane to the blooming azaleas to the lush green fairways and the undulating greens. The best of the best gather here on an annual basis to try to beat the odds. To win a coveted green jacket and the prestige that accompanies the win. And as golf goes it will show you incredible shots, mediocre attempts, and complete melt downs.
I found it rather ironic that just as I had done whining about my putting woes, particularly as it concerns the elimination of anchored putters, I witnessed a spectacle not often, if ever, seen. Ernie Els, a 46 year old, four time major champion, six putted a green. Not just any green but the first hole. Those six putts came from within five feet of the hole. Talk about the heebe geebees. If not then certainly those putts will linger in his thought patterns for numerous putts to come. I suspect as much as he would have liked to pack it in at that point he carried on. In a post-game interview he suggested that something like that mental lapse could well drive someone to quit the game. But he showed resilience and finished the round.
I can well imagine the shame and embarrassment he felt, playing in front of all the fans that attend the Masters and the millions that watch the tournament on TV. Never mind the fact that his debacle on that first green will be part of the highlight reel for days to come. I can well imagine his inner critic having a heyday with this. Mocking him. Swearing at him. Telling him what an idiot he is. It will take immense effort on his part to quiet the demons, to regain some sense of sanity after those short minutes of insanity.
All of us have those lapses where everything considered to be normal becomes anything but. All of us have inner critics. And all of us, some more than others, beat ourselves up when we screw up and even when we don’t. Often times we are our own worst judge. Always second guessing, wondering what went wrong. I have alluded to moments where I have a memory from the past that makes me literally swear at myself. Happened just this week when I remembered something from 1978. Go figure.
How can we quiet that inner critic, that judgemental self that seems to be perched on our shoulder? Perhaps we need to take a step back and reassess. Re-configure this “judge” that seems to make us think less of ourselves. Me thinks if I had an opportunity to talk to Ernie Els today I would not be telling him the same things he is telling himself. I imagine the conversation would include snippets of the numerous wins he has had on tour. It would include a piece on self-compassion. It would include a challenge to get up, dust himself off, and be proud of all he has accomplished and will accomplish in the days, weeks, and years to come. Is that not the way we should treat ourselves? I think so. Make it a good one.
“If you talked to others the way you talk to yourself, would you have any friends?”
Rick Warren
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
A Cruel Joke
Perhaps that is overstating it. This weather we are having is not conducive to anything except complaining about. Friday, it being April Fool’s Day, prompted one weather “expert” to suggest that the weather we were having was the “big guy’s” way of playing a joke on us. If that is the case I would suggest that the joke is over. Not funny anymore.
A mere week ago we had balmy temperatures. The guys at the golf course were getting ready to open up. I had visions of swinging the clubs. Looking forward to a brand new year. Visions of parring the course. Even the flags were put in. It looked promising. Now all I can do is look out the window and ruminate about what might have been.
And I was reminded of an old wives tale. I was once told that the weather we have on Good Friday will be the weather we have for the next forty days. I suppose that is happening now. Cold, miserable weather. Not sure I want to believe that. But looking out the window it does not look like Spring. In fact it looks and feels like November.
I did take my golf clubs out of storage last week. After all, as mentioned, the weather looked promising. As I longingly looked at my clubs I realized I had another cruel joke to deal with. I never have won a golf game with my putting abilities. However a few years ago I did invest in a belly putter. One that I can anchor in my belly. My putting did improve. You see, I have what some call the Friesen shakes. Meaning my hands are not steady and you can well imagine what that does to my putting. Anchoring the putter helped. Now they have been outlawed. After all these years. That is simply cruel. So with tears in my eyes I took a hack saw to the putter. Now I have to deal with the hee bee jeebies again. May be a long year.
The weather is also creating another problem. When I went through my mid-life crisis a number of years ago resources did not allow for me to deal with it properly. You hear of guys buying motorcycles, or muscle cars, or any other expensive toys. I bought a guitar. Did not seem to help much. Perhaps that is why I have issues in my life. I need to blame it on something. Best leave that one for another day.
What happened is that my wife and I had talked about buying a convertible for some time now. One of the items on our bucket list. Something we both agreed on. So we had started looking online for what might work. A few weeks ago we started another painting project in our house. That meant we needed to make a trip to Home Depot for painting supplies. Long story short we went for paint and came home with a convertible. Best shopping trip I have ever made. However, because of the weather, it has sat in our garage since we bought it. That is not working out either.
So what’s left? In just over two months the days start getting shorter. I can’t golf. I can’t go cruising in my convertible. I can’t do yard work. You would hardly think that April would be the time to take a winter vacation. Perhaps I should reconsider. Wait a minute. Spent my money on a car. Based on the forecast there are weather warnings out for Southwestern Manitoba. Another snowfall enroute. We are supposed to get a few inches as well. It seems hopeless. I guess I might as well paint. It could be worse. Make it a good one.
“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.”
Theodore I. Rubin
A mere week ago we had balmy temperatures. The guys at the golf course were getting ready to open up. I had visions of swinging the clubs. Looking forward to a brand new year. Visions of parring the course. Even the flags were put in. It looked promising. Now all I can do is look out the window and ruminate about what might have been.
And I was reminded of an old wives tale. I was once told that the weather we have on Good Friday will be the weather we have for the next forty days. I suppose that is happening now. Cold, miserable weather. Not sure I want to believe that. But looking out the window it does not look like Spring. In fact it looks and feels like November.
I did take my golf clubs out of storage last week. After all, as mentioned, the weather looked promising. As I longingly looked at my clubs I realized I had another cruel joke to deal with. I never have won a golf game with my putting abilities. However a few years ago I did invest in a belly putter. One that I can anchor in my belly. My putting did improve. You see, I have what some call the Friesen shakes. Meaning my hands are not steady and you can well imagine what that does to my putting. Anchoring the putter helped. Now they have been outlawed. After all these years. That is simply cruel. So with tears in my eyes I took a hack saw to the putter. Now I have to deal with the hee bee jeebies again. May be a long year.
The weather is also creating another problem. When I went through my mid-life crisis a number of years ago resources did not allow for me to deal with it properly. You hear of guys buying motorcycles, or muscle cars, or any other expensive toys. I bought a guitar. Did not seem to help much. Perhaps that is why I have issues in my life. I need to blame it on something. Best leave that one for another day.
What happened is that my wife and I had talked about buying a convertible for some time now. One of the items on our bucket list. Something we both agreed on. So we had started looking online for what might work. A few weeks ago we started another painting project in our house. That meant we needed to make a trip to Home Depot for painting supplies. Long story short we went for paint and came home with a convertible. Best shopping trip I have ever made. However, because of the weather, it has sat in our garage since we bought it. That is not working out either.
So what’s left? In just over two months the days start getting shorter. I can’t golf. I can’t go cruising in my convertible. I can’t do yard work. You would hardly think that April would be the time to take a winter vacation. Perhaps I should reconsider. Wait a minute. Spent my money on a car. Based on the forecast there are weather warnings out for Southwestern Manitoba. Another snowfall enroute. We are supposed to get a few inches as well. It seems hopeless. I guess I might as well paint. It could be worse. Make it a good one.
“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.”
Theodore I. Rubin
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Talking So Others Listen
My focus of late seems to have been communication. How to listen. Conflict management. I have mentioned “talking” as well. But perhaps we need to take a closer look at that. Not talking is not an option. Although I sometimes try that when I am upset and find out that as much as I want to punish the other person or at least make my point the lack of talking is not effective. All it does is make matters worse and for all intents and purposes makes me feel miserable and leads to resentment. Carrie Fisher said; “resentment is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die”.
Have you ever said something to someone with the best of intentions and found out the other person is quite upset with what was said? I suspect that happens far too often. Why is that? It boils down to a few simple, yet complicated, issues. First of all each person views the world through a different lens. These lenses are influenced by cultural differences, personalities, social contexts, and upbringing to name a few. What also plays a pivotal role in interpretation is “how” we are. As the saying goes; “we don’t see things as they are we see them as we are”.
Let me introduce you to a conflict management model called Intent-Action-Effect. We do or say things with a certain intention based on our world view. That action can have varying degrees of effect on the receiving end of the action or spoken words based on the recipient’s world view. And that is where the conflict can begin. As that conflict escalates participants have a tendency to withdraw or fight back rather than to seek understanding.
This is where it becomes important to shift from judgement to curiosity. Becoming curious is not easy when high emotions are involved. It takes discipline. It takes a real effort. It becomes imperative to have an open and forthright conversation. Through naming the action and discovering what the intent was provides the opportunity to understand. To describe the effect provides understanding as well. I know that many of the situations I am involved with might not have been a situation at all had these principles been followed.
That then requires listening, as I mentioned last time, but also requires the ability to speak clearly and effectively. The ability to speak so others listen is also an art. Think before you speak. Then speak clearly and concisely. Be assertive. Express your perspective and thoughts. Acknowledge your feelings and emotions. And reveal your interests. Remember. People close up if they feel blamed, dominated, manipulated or dismissed.
Our words can have a profound effect on the listener. All too often it can be a negative effect. That will happen. But if we show curiosity to better understand, something negative can become a positive. With enough practice this can become a natural. Soon you will notice that people open up when they have freedom and choice, feel acceptance and openness, and they are respected and acknowledged. Let’s change our world with one conversation at a time. Make it a good one.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou
Have you ever said something to someone with the best of intentions and found out the other person is quite upset with what was said? I suspect that happens far too often. Why is that? It boils down to a few simple, yet complicated, issues. First of all each person views the world through a different lens. These lenses are influenced by cultural differences, personalities, social contexts, and upbringing to name a few. What also plays a pivotal role in interpretation is “how” we are. As the saying goes; “we don’t see things as they are we see them as we are”.
Let me introduce you to a conflict management model called Intent-Action-Effect. We do or say things with a certain intention based on our world view. That action can have varying degrees of effect on the receiving end of the action or spoken words based on the recipient’s world view. And that is where the conflict can begin. As that conflict escalates participants have a tendency to withdraw or fight back rather than to seek understanding.
This is where it becomes important to shift from judgement to curiosity. Becoming curious is not easy when high emotions are involved. It takes discipline. It takes a real effort. It becomes imperative to have an open and forthright conversation. Through naming the action and discovering what the intent was provides the opportunity to understand. To describe the effect provides understanding as well. I know that many of the situations I am involved with might not have been a situation at all had these principles been followed.
That then requires listening, as I mentioned last time, but also requires the ability to speak clearly and effectively. The ability to speak so others listen is also an art. Think before you speak. Then speak clearly and concisely. Be assertive. Express your perspective and thoughts. Acknowledge your feelings and emotions. And reveal your interests. Remember. People close up if they feel blamed, dominated, manipulated or dismissed.
Our words can have a profound effect on the listener. All too often it can be a negative effect. That will happen. But if we show curiosity to better understand, something negative can become a positive. With enough practice this can become a natural. Soon you will notice that people open up when they have freedom and choice, feel acceptance and openness, and they are respected and acknowledged. Let’s change our world with one conversation at a time. Make it a good one.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
To Do or Not to Do
Last week, during my stint as a teacher, a question that was asked made me think. The students were curious about how to start the conversation on succession/transition planning. I thought it strange that the younger generation would ask that as I had assumed that, under normal circumstances, it would be the older generation that would start the conversation.
But as I thought about that I realized that the whole concept of succession can be daunting for most anyone. There is so much at stake. The process seems so complicated. Am I ready for this? Will this work out? Is the younger generation ready for this? What about the next generation that is not interested? What is fair? What is equitable? Where do I start? The list of questions can appear endless and overwhelming.
The younger generation has a different approach. They are filled with energy. They are excited about new opportunities. They want to move ahead. To them it often seems rather simple. Something that needs to be done so let’s do it.
There are certain issues within the planning process that will be a challenge. Often times they are what I call “soft” issues. Issues that deal with feelings and emotions. Issues that involve wants, fears, needs and desires. Issues that require honest and forthright communication. These issues are often more difficult to deal with than the “hard” issues. Issues such as taxation or land values or equipment needs.
To be involved in these conversations requires that participants are keenly aware of their communication styles and conflict management abilities. Through assertive communication techniques participants must have the ability to listen and gain understanding. Often these issues have been left untouched, sometimes they have festered, sometimes they have caused hard feelings. They need to be dealt with or they have the potential to derail the best made plans. Speak clearly and listen closely.
Conflict management styles play a significant role. When an eager, energetic younger generation meets the cautious, experienced older generation conflict can and will happen. That invites a number of different responses. Varying degrees of commitment to goals and commitment to relationships can significantly influence the outcome. With low commitments to goals and relationships one party or the other will avoid and walk away. With low commitment to goals but high commitment to relationships suggests that one or the other will accommodate to keep the peace. With some commitment to goals and relationships there is compromise meaning both parties concede and neither one gets what they would like. With a high commitment to goals and low commitment to relationships there is a tendency to compete which leaves one party a potential loser. To discover a healthy balance with a strong commitment to goals and relationships requires a healthy dose of effective communication and collaboration to achieve a win-win scenario.
At times the process can make the participants feel like they are swimming against the current. It has the potential to be exhausting with no perceived progress. However there is too much at stake to procrastinate or do nothing. Fortunately there are professionals out there that can assist. Often times it is beneficial to have a third party involved. Someone who can facilitate the conversation by being neutral and being able to flesh out the wants, needs, fears, and desires of the participants. So the challenge is to arise to the challenge. Make it a good one.
“If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” Wayne Dyer
But as I thought about that I realized that the whole concept of succession can be daunting for most anyone. There is so much at stake. The process seems so complicated. Am I ready for this? Will this work out? Is the younger generation ready for this? What about the next generation that is not interested? What is fair? What is equitable? Where do I start? The list of questions can appear endless and overwhelming.
The younger generation has a different approach. They are filled with energy. They are excited about new opportunities. They want to move ahead. To them it often seems rather simple. Something that needs to be done so let’s do it.
There are certain issues within the planning process that will be a challenge. Often times they are what I call “soft” issues. Issues that deal with feelings and emotions. Issues that involve wants, fears, needs and desires. Issues that require honest and forthright communication. These issues are often more difficult to deal with than the “hard” issues. Issues such as taxation or land values or equipment needs.
To be involved in these conversations requires that participants are keenly aware of their communication styles and conflict management abilities. Through assertive communication techniques participants must have the ability to listen and gain understanding. Often these issues have been left untouched, sometimes they have festered, sometimes they have caused hard feelings. They need to be dealt with or they have the potential to derail the best made plans. Speak clearly and listen closely.
Conflict management styles play a significant role. When an eager, energetic younger generation meets the cautious, experienced older generation conflict can and will happen. That invites a number of different responses. Varying degrees of commitment to goals and commitment to relationships can significantly influence the outcome. With low commitments to goals and relationships one party or the other will avoid and walk away. With low commitment to goals but high commitment to relationships suggests that one or the other will accommodate to keep the peace. With some commitment to goals and relationships there is compromise meaning both parties concede and neither one gets what they would like. With a high commitment to goals and low commitment to relationships there is a tendency to compete which leaves one party a potential loser. To discover a healthy balance with a strong commitment to goals and relationships requires a healthy dose of effective communication and collaboration to achieve a win-win scenario.
At times the process can make the participants feel like they are swimming against the current. It has the potential to be exhausting with no perceived progress. However there is too much at stake to procrastinate or do nothing. Fortunately there are professionals out there that can assist. Often times it is beneficial to have a third party involved. Someone who can facilitate the conversation by being neutral and being able to flesh out the wants, needs, fears, and desires of the participants. So the challenge is to arise to the challenge. Make it a good one.
“If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” Wayne Dyer
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