That Time of Year

Noticed on Facebook that my brother had put up his Christmas tree. Right after Remembrance Day? Seems a little early, don’t you think? Maybe not. Commercials on TV have a distinct Christmas theme. Some radio stations are playing Christmas music. So, I suppose, I need to get with it. As I sit in my office on a Friday afternoon, the snow is falling. Actually looks kind of neat. Would be even neater if we were half way through winter rather than the beginning. Mind you, that would be wishing away time, would it not? Speaking of wishing away time, I realize that I am getting older and that time seems to be flying by. I am most acutely aware of this when I use the microwave. I stand and watch the timer count down and am always reminded of how my life is counting down as well. It scares me. Makes me want to avoid the microwave. I seem to be dreading this winter. I particularly seem to dread this time of year. The days are getting shorter, weather is turning cold, and yes, Christmas drawth nigh. (confused spell check with that one) However, I need to refocus on relationship building. It’s the time of year that get-togethers are being planned. Time with family and friends.

I am preparing a couple of presentations for next weekend in Toronto. One of them is a humorous, but serious, look at relationships. Perhaps I should say humorous with a serious message. Particularly as it relates to stress. I am speaking to the Canadian Farmers with Disabilities. People who have serious injuries from accidents. Trying to adapt to life with a physical impairment. Wow. Talk about stress.

Stress has a tremendous impact on our relationships with our spouses. I have always found it interesting how stress affects men and women differently. In a recent Macleans article the statement was made that “study after study show that men deal with stress through escapism and women deal with it by talking”. It is also a known fact that men are less likely to seek help. Far too often, and I speak from experience, men immerse themselves in their work thinking that the harder they work the sooner the issues and the pain will disappear. Men tend to fall into periods of irritability, higher expectations for themselves and others, substance abuse, and in general, become “emotionally unavailable”. Women, on the other hand, are more inclined to talk. A much healthier way of dealing with stress. It becomes a challenge for husbands and wives or partners to be able to understand each other when they are faced with over whelming stress.

So it’s all about relationships. On the humorous side I want to touch on the whole idea of men being waffles and women being spaghetti. Some of you may have read the book. I haven’t. My wife did. Just the title got me thinking about the difference between men and women. I used this analogy when I performed the marriage ceremony for my son and daughter-in-law. (That still has a strange ring to it. Daughter-in-law. Hmmm. Talk about getting older) They are still married. They are proud. They outlasted the Kardashians. What a debacle that was, or so I am told. I try to avoid that kind of reality TV. But I digress. Back to men and women. Ever notice how men function by having only one thought at a time in their head. Just like a waffle. Compartmentalized. Women, on the other hand, are like spaghetti. A tangled web. Each thought is linked to a myriad of other thoughts. I could say more, but that might give it away. Think about it. It makes sense.

So the goal, this year, is to work on relationships. Make it a happy time of year. Enjoy the season. And always remember. By Christmas the days start getting longer. Make it a good one.

Are You Listening?

No, this is not about the song, although the melody has been running through my head since I came up with the title. I have written and talked often about the importance of talking when you feel down, when you are feeling lonely, when you feel forgotten, when you feel that no one understands, when you feel pain, when you feel forsaken. It is easy to slip into a shell and hope that these feelings will eventually go away. Very often it is difficult to find someone that will listen.

There is another side to this story. What happens when someone wants to talk to me? How do I react? Do I know how to listen? Do I respond in such a way that the other person comes away from the conversation feeling better? It has been said that the best communicators listen more than they talk. Boy, do I have a lot to learn.
Dr. Ralph Roughten has written some good thoughts on listening. Let me share a few of his them.

“When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice
you have not done what I have asked.”

“When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me
why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on
my feelings.”

“When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to
do something to solve my problem you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.”

“When you do something for me that I can do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and inadequacy.”

“Listen! All I asked was that you listen – not talk or do.
Just hear me.”

Interesting how those thoughts reflect exactly my feelings when I feel the need to talk. Even more interesting is how I fail so miserably when others want to share with me. It is difficult not to jump in with advice or the age old “I know exactly how you feel”. Not so. I may understand how you feel. I may have had similar experiences but it is really difficult to “know” how someone feels. This is really hard when dealing with kids, your spouse or partner, or with good friends, someone close to you. Someone you think you know well. I know for myself, I always want to try to fix the problem. However, I need to stand back, listen and support. Be a source of strength. With that friend who has concerns and worries about some health issues. With the young couple, excited about being parents, losing the pregnancy in a miscarriage. The colleague who relates to my issues, hears me out, but is seldom given the opportunity to share her story. A long suffering spouse, who has to deal with a husband who is trying to find his way but spends far too much time immersed in negative thinking and rumination.
I often have dark thoughts. Try to make sense of who I am. Try to make sense of why I slip into these dark, sombre moods. I analyse. And the more I analyse the deeper I sink. Often wish I could express myself better. Never understanding why others don’t understand me. Dr. Roughten has a thought that I think relates to a lot of my frustrations.

“But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what
I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to
convince you and get about the business of
understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious
And I don’t need advice.”

So simple yet so difficult. Listen more, understand more, love more. Make it a good one.

And The Sign Said. . .

Ever since I wrote the blog on Dreams Never Die, I have had that song going through my head. I think most of you can relate. Although I like this song it gets rather tedious if that’s all I can sing. My wife and son are getting somewhat irritated with me as well, because each evening when I sit down at the supper table I will recite the first line of that song, not once, but two or three times. I suppose it could be worse. You know how some commercials have really catchy tunes? The one that comes to mind is where the guy comes skipping out of his house in the morning singing “good morning, good morning we talked the whole night through”. The commercial is for some kind of medication. Not sure I want any of that if it means talking all night. I would rather sleep. Enough said.

So, I felt, it was time to introduce a new song to my brain. A song I have loved for years, a song that I can sing along with, in its entirety, is the song Signs. You know the one that starts with “And the sign says long haired freaky people need not apply. . . “? A good message in that song. Seems we live in a society where liability is becoming a larger issue. If you burn your tongue on coffee, if you catch your finger in a door, if you fall off a ladder, or any other number of things that happen to us, you have the ability to sue. As a result of that there are warnings and signs posted everywhere. “Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign”.

Whenever I think about signs I think of all the signs I see on highways. It is constant. “blockin’ out the scenery, breakin’ my mind”. With all the miles I put on, and this week was a bad one again, I see these signs. I see a lot of people breaking the rules. Complete and total disregard for law and order. Where are the cops when this happens? I know, they are lurking around the corner waiting for me to make some minor mistake. A telescope set up to ensure I am not talking on my cell phone. A red light camera. Guess what. That’s a tough one to get away with. Those tickets get sent out in the mail. Guess who picks up the mail at our house. Knock on wood, but it has been awhile since I was caught for any infraction.

As most of you know by now, most of my anxiety, most of my moodiness, a lot of my anger manifests itself in road rage. I am convinced that other drivers wait just for me so they can cut me off, drive just under the speed limit, stop for no apparent reason or a host of other things that tick me off. Not sure if I am the only one but traffic in Brandon gets me every time. Is it just me or are there traffic issues? All I know is it’s a real test of patience getting from point A to point B.

So, as I have said before, I need to relax and listen to more music. As a friend told me this morning, music is good for the soul. It helps calm the spirit. It helps in changing our “stinking thinking”. It eases anxiety. It keeps us centered. It keeps us in the moment. I like the last sentence of the last verse in the song Signs. “Thank you, Lord, for thinkin’ ‘bout me. I’m alive and doing fine. Wooo!” Hopefully that is the line going through my mind for a while. Make it a good one.

What Women Want

Who remembers the movie What Women Want starring Mel Gibson? In the movie Gibson, through a freak accident involving pantyhose and a hair dryer (don’t want to go there), has the ability to hear what women think. Now for most of us that is a scary thought. Usually I hear enough verbally that any more information would be detrimental to my well-being. Self-esteem is enough of an issue without more information. However, in the movie, it is rather humorous. The point of this dialogue is really not the movie at all. Rather, when I thought about what I wanted to write about, the name of the movie came to mind. Read on and you will understand why.

I started writing this blog some time ago. I have resisted posting it as I want to make sure that I am politically correct, as to state my case in any other way would result in. . . well, put it this way, I wouldn’t live it down. After all, in my counselling training, I learned that being able to think and communicate as a feminist is very important. Feminism, to me, had always been about women’s rights. I have found out different. Wikipedia defines feminism as a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights and equal opportunities for women. “As a feminist we want it all but we want it for everyone”.

Did you know that October 18 is the anniversary date of women getting the right to personhood? Quite astounding actually. Not that they got the right, but that they did not have it prior to that. What’s up with that? Based on the article women have had the right to vote since 1918. However, women were not considered “persons” under the British North American Act till 1929. The article goes on to say that women in Canada were considered “persons in matters of pains and penalties, but not persons in matters of rights and privileges”. This until a mere 82 years ago. Something that happened in my parents’ lifetime.

I have often wondered why women were at one time considered lesser than men. Just never quite made sense to me. I was raised in a church (that is a topic best left for another day) where there is still dialogue regarding women in leadership roles. Recently I heard a woman talk about the fact that it continues to be difficult, and in some cases, impossible for women to achieve equality in the workplace, particularly in wages and salaries. Definitely something wrong with this picture.

Going back to a previous discussion, I talked about the movie The Help. The movie depicts the exploitation of black women. Again, events that happened in my parent’s lifetime. I could cite many more instances where women, people of different color, various ethnic groups and people with disabilities get discriminated against. I know of someone that suggested that the problems of the world can be laid squarely at the feet of white males. As much as I hate the thought, perhaps there is more truth in that then I would like to admit.

So what next? There have been vast improvements but still so much that can be, and needs to be done. What can I do to make this world a better place? What can I do to ensure equality? It would seem to me that if we reach out, if we strive for equality, if we do what we can, this world will be a better place. Jimi Hendrix says it well, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace”. Make it a good one.

Dreams Never Die. . .

At least that is what the song says. Beautiful song I might add. “Some men dream of fame, and some of fortune. Some men dream about time gone by.” Isn’t that the truth? I particularly dream of times gone by. I still smile when I think about the quote,” it's very strange when the life you never had flashes before your eyes”. Let me explain.

I attended a retirement bash for my wife’s co-worker recently. As retirement parties go, it was okay. Lots of kind words. Happiness. All that goes along with someone that has dedicated their life to a job. Stuck with it. Persevered. As I was sitting there it hit me. This person that was retiring was someone I had gone to school with. We were the same age. Obviously I reflected on my life. It was kind of depressing. I knew I was a long way from retirement. I am at the age where I know others that are getting close to retirement. They are counting the days. The only chance I have is to win the lottery. But, I realize, the chances of that are slim as I seldom buy a ticket. There I go, dreaming about “fortune”.

I have often said, facetiously, that I blew my retirement in the nineties. Hey, I had a lot of fun doing it. Back then, of course, I was farming. Life was great. I had the opportunity to travel the world through my association with a commodity group. I had hired help. I was my own boss. Unfortunately I should have dedicated more time to the farm. Although as a hog producer, perhaps the writing was on the wall. I try not to look back. I am moving on. After all I am a recovering farmer. I have other opportunities. I enjoy my work. The only reality is that freedom 55 will not apply to me.

In my work with farm debt mediation I meet many people who have given their life to their farm. Many people whose dreams have died. They too, have persevered. They have given their all. Only to find out it is for naught. There are families who have lost relationships due to the stress of farming. Interesting how financial stress wreaks havoc with relationships. There are many who have lost their homes. Have lost farms that have been passed down from previous generations. Many families, farm or non-farm, struggle on a daily basis to make things work. Talking earlier this week to a long-time friend and farmer he suggested to me that his “get up and go had got up and left”. A sentiment shared by many. It becomes exhausting.

However, dreaming can be a good thing. The key is to dream about positive things. I meet regularly with a couple that lost their farm in the late eighties. They too had dreams. In our discussions we talk about changing our thought pattern from the negative to the positive. In spite of the ease with which negative thoughts arrive, in spite of the ruts of rumination and self-pity that we slip into, it is interesting to note how one’s mood, temperament and general health improve when we focus on positives. I am reminded of the gentleman, who on his death bed, stated that he had had many problems in life, most of which never happened. There are many positives that we can draw on from the past. It is even more important to keep dreaming about the future. As the song says, “cause without dreams inside us, yeah, without dreams how would we all get by”. Make it a good one.

When Things Go Wrong

Often time’s people are caught by surprise. We have certain plans for the future. We have expectations to live till “we’re too old to die young”. But sometimes those plans do not unfold. Something happens. What now?

I have chatted a few times with a man who was involved in a serious accident a few years ago. He was driving a semi, was slowing down to turn a corner, and was rear ended by another semi. The force of two semis colliding like that defies imagination. He is lucky to be alive. It could have been worse. He could have died. He could be confined to a wheel chair. He is struggling to find some way to get better. He wants to get back to work. As much as insurance is covering some lost income, money may not be the biggest issue. The feeling of being helpless. Feelings of negative self-worth. Always wondering, questioning whether there is something he is missing. Something that might help. I suspect in some of his darkest hours he wonders whether death might have been a better option.

But I have noticed something else in this person. An inner strength that defies logic. I sit and mope about what I think are issues and having met this man puts everything into perspective. He epitomizes the very meaning of resiliency. Remember when we talked about this before? Webster’s Dictionary defines “resilience” as “an ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune or change”. He is adapting. He is in a recovery mode. I marvel at his ability to do that. He has no idea when his body will heal enough for his life to return to normal. And yet he keeps trying.

We chatted this week about the ability to heal. We talked about having a strong mind. Thinking positively. Mind over matter, as they say. A colleague sent me a quote by Henry David Thoreau. “As a single footstep will not make a path on earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.” Tough to do when your mind is full of bitterness and resentment. Tough to do when you have uncertainty about health concerns. Far too easy to slip into the ruts left by negative thinking. The key is to practice the art of positive thinking. As they say “practice makes perfect”.

Just one other note about the person I just told you about. He has an incredible sense of humour. He likes to laugh. He has improved my mood by making me laugh. After all laughter is the best medicine. I know him and me will talk some more. There are many more things we can share with each other. There are more things we can learn from each other. And, hopefully, in some small way, I can help him on his journey. He sure has helped me. Make it a good one.

Wheezing, Sneezing and Coughing

I am moping around home suffering from a cold. What’s up with that? Then I remembered writing about a cold last year. Looked back and wouldn’t you know that was exactly a year ago. Makes me wonder whether the cold is as regular as the change from summer to fall to winter. The difference this time around is that my wife has a cold as well. I recall her making fun of me last year when I thought that I was suffering from the worst cold of my life. I recall others suggesting that because I am a man I was just looking for sympathy. Well, justice has been served. She is suffering right along with me. We had big plans for this weekend. We were going to go out west and visit with family. It didn’t happen.

In spite of my physical maladies, I am taking advantage of the half decent weather we are having. I am moving my goldfish from their summer home to their winter home. Just kind of confirms the fact that summer is over. Why is it that I dread what’s coming? I like warm weather. I like everything that comes with the warm weather. Particularly golf. I suppose the golf season is over as well. I had great expectations for this year’s golf. I had practiced for a number of months during last winter and thought that the game would see some significant improvements. I golfed more this summer than any summer before. Spent many an early morning enjoying the sunrise, gentle breeze, the dew on the grass and the solitude one has when you seem to be the only one up and at em. Also spent some time golfing with others. I have mentioned before the competition I have with a certain left hander. Well, truth be told, it’s not much competition. I did win a few rounds but for the most part that only happened when he was not playing up to his potential. It was fun none the less. There is always next year, right?

Took a break from writing this to go blow out the sprinkler lines. Wow, I am efficient. I recall doing that when I had to thaw out the lines in some places. One year did not blow them out at all. Paid dearly for that the following spring. We are ready for winter. Go figure. I suggested building a fire in the fire place. My wife wanted none of that. Perhaps she is in denial.

My thoughts go out today to a good friend who is worried about some health issues. He had some struggles over the summer but nothing serious. Just very uncomfortable. Painful at times. Seemed to be making headways. Then he got word this week that he needs a biopsy on something that he always attributed to a sports injury. What a load to carry around till a biopsy can be scheduled. He finds it tough to function. So easy to imagine the worst. At times like this I think of the following prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference”. Here is hoping that all turns out well for him.

As for me?? I am sick. It is windy. I can’t golf. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Just kidding, of course. Make it a good one.