I sat in on an interesting session on self-care this week. It was a reminder of what we all need to do to live life to its fullest. We often talk about how busy life is. Not simple, the way it used to be. We are constantly on the run. Making it from one commitment to the next. Nothing is ever good enough. We can always do better. Our expectations for ourselves are out of this world. Our expectations for others often become unrealistic. We try so hard to keep up to the Jones’.
There is some irony in that. Keeping up to the Jones’. What are we really trying to achieve? What do we really know about the Jones’. (My apologies to anyone reading this whose name is Jones) We know nothing about them. Outside appearances don’t tell the real story. Did you ever watch the show Keeping Up Appearances? It was funny. In a comedic way that show symbolizes what many of us do on a daily basis. Try and fool the people around us. Try to get them to think we are someone we really are not. It is tiring. Interestingly enough when you google the show the first thing that pops up is Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Now, wouldn’t that be a challenge. Pretty sure I don’t want that.
In our discussion, at our monthly support group meeting, we talked about stress relievers. One of the challenges given us was to think of something we felt we were good at. Excuse me. Think of something I am good at? Would that not show arrogance? The first thing that came to mind was the person who once informed me he was not arrogant, he just had a certain level of abrasive self-confidence. Sounds like arrogance to me. Anyway, back to trying to think of something I am good at. In my mind, of course, I thought of many things I am good at. But nothing I would ever dare say out loud. At least not with people around. The group leader asked us all, individually, to share our thoughts. I saw a lot of participants nervously looking around. Fidgeting in their seats. No one wanted to talk. Finally I quietly suggested that I was a good listener. Instantly qualified that by saying my wife would probably not agree. Gave a nervous chuckle. Then hung my head. That was tough. Did I really think that? Did I really say that out loud? Then I thought, Heck yes. I am a good listener. I have to be in my line of work. I take pride in that. As I should. I patted myself on the back. It felt good.
Many of us that face challenges become despondent and question our sanity, our abilities, our self-worth. One person I like golfing with will often say, after a bad shot, “I am such an idiot”. Not true. Nobody is an idiot. Sure, we make mistakes. We screw up. We wish things could have been better. We wish we would have made better decisions. But hey, we all make mistakes. The key is to get up, dust ourselves off and carry on. We all have positive qualities. We all are worth something. And instead of dwelling on the negative dwell on the positive. Go ahead. Pat yourself on the back. And always remember, if the grass on the other side of the fence looks greener it is probably on a sewer field. Or, as has been suggested by my son, grass is greener where you water it. Some truth to that. Make it a good one.
The Recovering Farmer
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Nothing Runs Like A Deer
I am sitting in my office on a dreary Saturday morning, listening to the rain fall. Wondering what to do today. I had plans. But, of course, the weather will change those plans. I know, all of you are thinking the plan was to golf. Not so. Not this time. Although I did get an invitation for a game. Wait a minute. Had an invitation to go last night. One for this morning. And another one for tomorrow. How cool is that. In the last year or so I was becoming accustomed to playing by myself. Not so this year. Being in a new community has its benefits.
You need to know that I declined the invitation for this morning. I was going to help my brother-in-law help my father-in-law. Annual tractor show. Although I am not into antique tractors I knew this was an opportunity to help out. An opportunity to meet old friends. You see, the tractor show is in a community we lived in thirty years ago. And, obviously, gain some much needed brownie points. But, I suspect, the show will be canceled. My wife just suggested it would be a good day to clean up the car garage. Not what I had hoped for.
Okay. So I said that I am not into antique tractors. I will admit that I love hearing old, two cylinder John Deeres. Not sure why. They actually give me flashbacks to another time. You see, my father was a grain farmer. We farmed about 700 acres. Nothing big. But 700 acres none the less. One year my father decided we needed another tractor. I remember neighbors having nice tractors, with cabs, air conditioners, and duel wheels. So of course my imagination went wild. Soon we would be in that bracket as well. Well, things turned out different. My father came home from an auction with a Model R John Deere. A two banger. It had a cab. No air conditioner. No duels. Talk about a fantasy going right out the window. And to think, we just bought a John Deere lawn tractor. Paid close to what my dad paid for his Model R.
The new to us tractor did provide one benefit. It meant we had to have a bigger deep tiller. We went to a 12 footer. Think about it. A whopping 12 feet wide. We thought it was huge. Now picture this. The fields we had to work with that massive deep tiller were 160 acres. That means they were half a mile by half a mile. So I would head out to the field on a smaller tractor, because I did not have my drivers yet, fire up the two banger, and away I went. I would go up and down that field all day. We had to remove the back of the cab to get some air circulation. All that did was create a dust trap. It was hot. It was dusty. It was loud. And it was boring. No radio. Which was a good thing because we would not have been able to hear it anyway. All we could do was think. And with the noise and dust even that was difficult. At the end of the day I would look back at the field and it was difficult to see whether I had actually made any progress. Then it was off home on the other tractor. All to do it again the next day. And they say those were the good old days? Me thinks not. No wonder I need therapy.
How things have changed. Now we live in an era of big tractors, sound proof cabs, GPS, humongous air seeders, high clearance sprayers and other high tech equipment. Farming has become so complicated. So has life. Could we not make life simpler for ourselves. Think about it. Perhaps those were the good old days. Now, I suppose, it’s off to the garage. Perhaps if I get that done quick enough I can watch some golf on TV. After all, it is the U.S. open. Make it a good one.
You need to know that I declined the invitation for this morning. I was going to help my brother-in-law help my father-in-law. Annual tractor show. Although I am not into antique tractors I knew this was an opportunity to help out. An opportunity to meet old friends. You see, the tractor show is in a community we lived in thirty years ago. And, obviously, gain some much needed brownie points. But, I suspect, the show will be canceled. My wife just suggested it would be a good day to clean up the car garage. Not what I had hoped for.
Okay. So I said that I am not into antique tractors. I will admit that I love hearing old, two cylinder John Deeres. Not sure why. They actually give me flashbacks to another time. You see, my father was a grain farmer. We farmed about 700 acres. Nothing big. But 700 acres none the less. One year my father decided we needed another tractor. I remember neighbors having nice tractors, with cabs, air conditioners, and duel wheels. So of course my imagination went wild. Soon we would be in that bracket as well. Well, things turned out different. My father came home from an auction with a Model R John Deere. A two banger. It had a cab. No air conditioner. No duels. Talk about a fantasy going right out the window. And to think, we just bought a John Deere lawn tractor. Paid close to what my dad paid for his Model R.
The new to us tractor did provide one benefit. It meant we had to have a bigger deep tiller. We went to a 12 footer. Think about it. A whopping 12 feet wide. We thought it was huge. Now picture this. The fields we had to work with that massive deep tiller were 160 acres. That means they were half a mile by half a mile. So I would head out to the field on a smaller tractor, because I did not have my drivers yet, fire up the two banger, and away I went. I would go up and down that field all day. We had to remove the back of the cab to get some air circulation. All that did was create a dust trap. It was hot. It was dusty. It was loud. And it was boring. No radio. Which was a good thing because we would not have been able to hear it anyway. All we could do was think. And with the noise and dust even that was difficult. At the end of the day I would look back at the field and it was difficult to see whether I had actually made any progress. Then it was off home on the other tractor. All to do it again the next day. And they say those were the good old days? Me thinks not. No wonder I need therapy.
How things have changed. Now we live in an era of big tractors, sound proof cabs, GPS, humongous air seeders, high clearance sprayers and other high tech equipment. Farming has become so complicated. So has life. Could we not make life simpler for ourselves. Think about it. Perhaps those were the good old days. Now, I suppose, it’s off to the garage. Perhaps if I get that done quick enough I can watch some golf on TV. After all, it is the U.S. open. Make it a good one.
Monday, June 4, 2012
When You Hit A Good Shot
Finally our infamous spring winds have died down. There were some days that it felt like every shot on the golf course was against a gale force wind. Became quite a challenge. That seems to have changed. Had a couple of really good golf days. And they are becoming more frequent. All is good. The basement project is finished. Many more items on the “to do” list. Nothing to urgent. I can start taking advantage of the golf course.
As I have lamented about before, I had some struggles with my golf game. Swings that used to come naturally seemed to have left. I blamed it on the wind. I blamed it on sore muscles. I blamed it on not playing enough. I had lost my intensity. Last week I was playing a round (two words) with a friend when I did hit a good shot. I made the comment to him that there was nothing to the game of golf. He quickly responded by saying someone once told him that just because you hit a good shot you should not start thinking you are good. Talk about a quick trip back to reality.
I was golfing with the kids yesterday. One was struggling with his game. Actually turned out that both of them were struggling. He ended up getting a birdie on a hole. His attitude changed in a heartbeat. I told him the same quote I had heard earlier in the week. Brought him back to reality too. Then he looked at me and said that, at the very least, I should let him bask in the joys of a good score till he screwed up the next shot.
You know me. I started drawing comparisons to life. I seem to need to find a life lesson in everything I do or see. How often do we experience struggles in life. Hit a bad shot. Have a bad score. Happens often. But we recover. We know we are better. And so we carry on trying to do better. And often we do. But, there are times when it seems that this round of golf called life is just one bad shot after another. We see all the hazards. We see the potential for disaster. We don’t swing freely. We tighten up. We hold back. We lose our confidence. And just like golf, when that happens, we have even more trouble.
Many of the people I deal with are facing just that. They have become spooked. They have lost confidence. They know that there is trouble around every corner. It seems that nothing will ever go right again. I can relate. I have been there. It becomes a struggle. It is debilitating. Even when something good happens we always know it is like the calm before the storm.
There is a second part to this. We must also change our way of thinking about ourselves. Sometimes it is okay to think we are good. It is okay to pat ourselves on the back. Otherwise we run the risk of becoming neurotic. We lose our self-esteem. We feel even worse about our failures.
But I also know that there is hope and there is relief. Just like my golf game, I know that with continued effort, with a pile of resilience, we carry on. I know that tomorrow I may hit a few bad shots but I also know that I will hit some good ones. And when I keep my head down, when I swing with confidence, when I visualize something positive, I will play better. So go ahead. Pat yourself on the back. Swing with confidence. It will work out. This morning I only had one double bogie. Things are improving. Oh no. There I go thinking I am good. Disaster lurks. But I am going to have fun. Make it a good one.
As I have lamented about before, I had some struggles with my golf game. Swings that used to come naturally seemed to have left. I blamed it on the wind. I blamed it on sore muscles. I blamed it on not playing enough. I had lost my intensity. Last week I was playing a round (two words) with a friend when I did hit a good shot. I made the comment to him that there was nothing to the game of golf. He quickly responded by saying someone once told him that just because you hit a good shot you should not start thinking you are good. Talk about a quick trip back to reality.
I was golfing with the kids yesterday. One was struggling with his game. Actually turned out that both of them were struggling. He ended up getting a birdie on a hole. His attitude changed in a heartbeat. I told him the same quote I had heard earlier in the week. Brought him back to reality too. Then he looked at me and said that, at the very least, I should let him bask in the joys of a good score till he screwed up the next shot.
You know me. I started drawing comparisons to life. I seem to need to find a life lesson in everything I do or see. How often do we experience struggles in life. Hit a bad shot. Have a bad score. Happens often. But we recover. We know we are better. And so we carry on trying to do better. And often we do. But, there are times when it seems that this round of golf called life is just one bad shot after another. We see all the hazards. We see the potential for disaster. We don’t swing freely. We tighten up. We hold back. We lose our confidence. And just like golf, when that happens, we have even more trouble.
Many of the people I deal with are facing just that. They have become spooked. They have lost confidence. They know that there is trouble around every corner. It seems that nothing will ever go right again. I can relate. I have been there. It becomes a struggle. It is debilitating. Even when something good happens we always know it is like the calm before the storm.
There is a second part to this. We must also change our way of thinking about ourselves. Sometimes it is okay to think we are good. It is okay to pat ourselves on the back. Otherwise we run the risk of becoming neurotic. We lose our self-esteem. We feel even worse about our failures.
But I also know that there is hope and there is relief. Just like my golf game, I know that with continued effort, with a pile of resilience, we carry on. I know that tomorrow I may hit a few bad shots but I also know that I will hit some good ones. And when I keep my head down, when I swing with confidence, when I visualize something positive, I will play better. So go ahead. Pat yourself on the back. Swing with confidence. It will work out. This morning I only had one double bogie. Things are improving. Oh no. There I go thinking I am good. Disaster lurks. But I am going to have fun. Make it a good one.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
The 90/10 Rule
I am getting ready for another support group meeting. We will be focusing on stress management. I suspect some will question the necessity of covering that topic, again. It is good to have refreshers. It is good to be reminded. I need to utilize stress management tools on a regular basis. A large part of stress management is recognition. The better we are at recognizing stress overload, the sooner we realize that our life is out of balance, the sooner we recognize that our emotions are not right, the sooner we can deal with it and regain a sense of control, a sense of balance, a sense of peace.
Each time I prepare for this topic I find myself looking at how stress affects us physically, emotionally, socially, and mentally. I suspect many of us can relate to headaches, fatigue, anxiety, frustration, a lack of perspective, loneliness, and confusion. These are but a few of the signs of stress. Often times we will dismiss aches and pains as something that just happens. I often find myself saying its age related. How often do we find our emotional gas tanks empty? We need to work on whatever it takes to keep “gas in the tank”.
I discovered a new way to deal with physical aches and pains. Due to a lot of physical work I have done lately, I was experiencing intense muscle aches. Sure, I can deal with the aches and pains. But what I find difficult to accept is when my golf game suffers. I was finding that I could not swing a golf club normally. Not good. It was becoming increasingly frustrating. Couldn’t keep away from the double bogies. I finally let my wife make an appointment for a deep muscle massage. Not sure whether the massage left me feeling better because it actually works or whether it hurt so bad it was a relief when it was done. Interesting, to say the least. But, I survived. That same evening I played a round of golf. Right from the outset I noticed that my swing seemed to be much more fluid. Perhaps there is hope. But I digress.
What really hits home is when I see how behaviors change when stress is experienced. We become reckless. We become verbally abusive. We have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. There are more and more idiots on the road. Wait a minute. That is just my road rage kicking in again. I do notice, however, that when I am feeling stressed, feeling under pressure or upset with something going on in my life my tolerance level goes way down. I really need to keep watch over that.
Stephen Covey writes an interesting piece on the 90/10 rule. His thought is that only 10% of life is made up of what happens to us. The other 90% of life is decided by how we react. Really? Think about it. It makes sense. He uses an example. You are eating breakfast with your family. One of the kids is careless and spills juice on your shirt. You have no control over that event. What happens next will be determined by how you react. You get angry. You yell. You upset the family. Causes stress in everyone else whose agendas for the day get messed up because of that one incident. Your kid misses the bus. You are late for work. Nobody can do anything right. In short, the day is a disaster. Imagine now if you had responded in a gentle manner. Accidents do happen. Life could have been much easier. In essence, approximately five seconds of your life dictated the rest of the day.
Sounds like stress to me. So the 90/10 principle is simple. It is a matter of practising it. Just remember, it is not the event but rather our reaction to the event that causes stress. It could change your life. Take it one day at a time. Make it a good one.
Each time I prepare for this topic I find myself looking at how stress affects us physically, emotionally, socially, and mentally. I suspect many of us can relate to headaches, fatigue, anxiety, frustration, a lack of perspective, loneliness, and confusion. These are but a few of the signs of stress. Often times we will dismiss aches and pains as something that just happens. I often find myself saying its age related. How often do we find our emotional gas tanks empty? We need to work on whatever it takes to keep “gas in the tank”.
I discovered a new way to deal with physical aches and pains. Due to a lot of physical work I have done lately, I was experiencing intense muscle aches. Sure, I can deal with the aches and pains. But what I find difficult to accept is when my golf game suffers. I was finding that I could not swing a golf club normally. Not good. It was becoming increasingly frustrating. Couldn’t keep away from the double bogies. I finally let my wife make an appointment for a deep muscle massage. Not sure whether the massage left me feeling better because it actually works or whether it hurt so bad it was a relief when it was done. Interesting, to say the least. But, I survived. That same evening I played a round of golf. Right from the outset I noticed that my swing seemed to be much more fluid. Perhaps there is hope. But I digress.
What really hits home is when I see how behaviors change when stress is experienced. We become reckless. We become verbally abusive. We have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. There are more and more idiots on the road. Wait a minute. That is just my road rage kicking in again. I do notice, however, that when I am feeling stressed, feeling under pressure or upset with something going on in my life my tolerance level goes way down. I really need to keep watch over that.
Stephen Covey writes an interesting piece on the 90/10 rule. His thought is that only 10% of life is made up of what happens to us. The other 90% of life is decided by how we react. Really? Think about it. It makes sense. He uses an example. You are eating breakfast with your family. One of the kids is careless and spills juice on your shirt. You have no control over that event. What happens next will be determined by how you react. You get angry. You yell. You upset the family. Causes stress in everyone else whose agendas for the day get messed up because of that one incident. Your kid misses the bus. You are late for work. Nobody can do anything right. In short, the day is a disaster. Imagine now if you had responded in a gentle manner. Accidents do happen. Life could have been much easier. In essence, approximately five seconds of your life dictated the rest of the day.
Sounds like stress to me. So the 90/10 principle is simple. It is a matter of practising it. Just remember, it is not the event but rather our reaction to the event that causes stress. It could change your life. Take it one day at a time. Make it a good one.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
When The Mind Goes Blank
Since the start of this blogging project I occasionally run into a time when I can think of little that seems interesting. Not sure what that is a sign of. Does that mean that life is boring? Or does it mean that my mental state is not where it should be? I really don’t think it is either one. I have lots going on. Both with a house project and also work wise. So I should be able to write something. But it just is not happening. On occasion I will ask friends or colleagues for topic suggestions. Sometimes that works, other times not so well. One of my faithful followers sent me an email yesterday telling me that my blog needed to be updated. In other words, post a new one. Something fresh. I responded by asking him for a topic. He gave me an idea. Something I have pondered over the last few weeks.
Do you find yourself hurrying through life? Do you find your main goal to be making money? Worrying about whether there will be enough for retirement? Do you take time for yourself? For your family? What do you enjoy about life? How do we establish what is important in life? How do we set priorities? Good questions.
From young on we are programed to give our all. We look forward eagerly to starting school. We want to turn sixteen so we can drive. We anticipate graduation. We jump into college. We are taught that to be successful we need to work hard. We strive to climb the ladder. To reach the top. We have a family. We have to work harder to provide. Retirement is within sight. Will we have enough money? We work a little harder. Earn more. Our parents and siblings are getting older. But we don’t have time for them. We have things to do. Maybe someday. And then we die.
I am reminded of the song Cat’s In The Cradle. A song made famous in 1974. It’s a beautiful song. I have always enjoyed it. Take the time to listen to the lyrics. Tells a sad story. It’s the story of a father who is too busy to take the time to play with his son. To take part in family activities. And as the boy grows up he models his life after his father’s. “I’m gonna be like him, yeah, you know I’m gonna be like him”. Then the son leaves home, the father grows old and wants the son to come for a visit. However, now the son is too busy. A sad story indeed.
Ever notice that when people have life changing events happen in their lives their perspective on life changes. I deal with people who have been involved in traumatic car accidents. People who have faced and experienced financial ruin. I have friends who have lost loved ones. Friends who have and keep struggling through health challenges. What used to be important no longer is. And what has become more important never was.
STOP. Take a moment to think. Is what you are consumed with today going to matter tomorrow, next week, next year or when you are old? Take a moment to visualize your life when you get to be seventy or eighty years old. What do you think will be your biggest regret? Not enough time with family? I could have left that work and enjoyed more golf? We should have taken that trip? Why did we not spend money on that? Now live the rest of your life accordingly. I refer, again, to my wall hanging that says, “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it”. Make life changes before life changes. Make it a good one.
Do you find yourself hurrying through life? Do you find your main goal to be making money? Worrying about whether there will be enough for retirement? Do you take time for yourself? For your family? What do you enjoy about life? How do we establish what is important in life? How do we set priorities? Good questions.
From young on we are programed to give our all. We look forward eagerly to starting school. We want to turn sixteen so we can drive. We anticipate graduation. We jump into college. We are taught that to be successful we need to work hard. We strive to climb the ladder. To reach the top. We have a family. We have to work harder to provide. Retirement is within sight. Will we have enough money? We work a little harder. Earn more. Our parents and siblings are getting older. But we don’t have time for them. We have things to do. Maybe someday. And then we die.
I am reminded of the song Cat’s In The Cradle. A song made famous in 1974. It’s a beautiful song. I have always enjoyed it. Take the time to listen to the lyrics. Tells a sad story. It’s the story of a father who is too busy to take the time to play with his son. To take part in family activities. And as the boy grows up he models his life after his father’s. “I’m gonna be like him, yeah, you know I’m gonna be like him”. Then the son leaves home, the father grows old and wants the son to come for a visit. However, now the son is too busy. A sad story indeed.
Ever notice that when people have life changing events happen in their lives their perspective on life changes. I deal with people who have been involved in traumatic car accidents. People who have faced and experienced financial ruin. I have friends who have lost loved ones. Friends who have and keep struggling through health challenges. What used to be important no longer is. And what has become more important never was.
STOP. Take a moment to think. Is what you are consumed with today going to matter tomorrow, next week, next year or when you are old? Take a moment to visualize your life when you get to be seventy or eighty years old. What do you think will be your biggest regret? Not enough time with family? I could have left that work and enjoyed more golf? We should have taken that trip? Why did we not spend money on that? Now live the rest of your life accordingly. I refer, again, to my wall hanging that says, “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it”. Make life changes before life changes. Make it a good one.
Friday, May 4, 2012
When Is Enough, Enough?
After a somewhat less then stressful day I sat back and watched local news. I saw something that saddened me to no end. It shook me. A story that began in the last year but seemingly does not end. The story of a little boy, his sister, a family and tragedy. It made me wonder. When is enough, enough? How much can one person, one couple, one family possibly bear?
The story began when a two year old boy was diagnosed with leukemia. A thought that sends fear through all of us. How is that fair? How can that happen? But, as we all know, it does happen. It started a battle. A battle against an unknown enemy. A battle that can be won but far too often is lost. The parents had the courage. They had the love. They were going to make it happen. They pulled up their family and moved from Northwestern Manitoba to live near the hospital in Winnipeg. They began the treatment that comes with cancer. They had hope. The little guy fought hard. It appeared that they were winning. Then right around Christmas they got the news they had hoped they would not hear. Little Larsen had a relapse. Like a knockout punch, it sent the parents reeling.
I spent some time in talking to the father in January. I had just finished a presentation on stress management. Already I could tell that he was utilizing many of the tools I had just presented on. But, I felt helpless. How could I possibly help someone that had experienced so much. Much more then I could possibly fathom. I felt inadequate. I let him talk. I listened. It was obviously a difficult time for them. As we went our separate ways I commended him for talking. I challenged him to keep talking, to find his supports. I wished him well.
Tonight, as I watched the news, I saw another chapter in the story unfold in this ongoing tale of sadness. Last week they found out that Larsen had relapsed, again. Another devastating blow. When is enough, enough? So they packed up and went back to Winnipeg. More time at the hospital. More tests. More pain. The good news, his sister is a perfect match for a bone marrow transplant. His sister is a few years older than him. Will she understand? What does she have to go through to do this? More unknowns. More fear. More anxiety. How does one ever explain this to kids so that it makes sense to them.
And if that is not enough. Shortly after their return trip to Winnipeg, the family found out that their house had burnt. A house that they had just built four years ago. Destroyed. All their belongings gone. A few pictures saved. When is enough, enough? On their Facebook page the mother says they are so thankful that no one was hurt in the fire. That their priority is to get Larsen cancer-free. In a press conference they talked about their situation in a very calm manner. Amazing resilience. Puts things into perspective.
So at the outset I asked a question. When is enough, enough? I didn’t answer the question because the more I try the more I am left to wonder. Lives have been changed and continue changing. This family has experienced so much. Makes me feel guilty for not feeling satisfied with life. Makes me feel thankful for what I have. Here is wishing the family all the best as their journey continues. Here is hoping that enough is enough. Here is hoping that they find ways to cope, to survive, to face another day. To cope as individuals, as parents, as a brother, as a sister. And most of all I hope for a recovery for little Larsen.
The story began when a two year old boy was diagnosed with leukemia. A thought that sends fear through all of us. How is that fair? How can that happen? But, as we all know, it does happen. It started a battle. A battle against an unknown enemy. A battle that can be won but far too often is lost. The parents had the courage. They had the love. They were going to make it happen. They pulled up their family and moved from Northwestern Manitoba to live near the hospital in Winnipeg. They began the treatment that comes with cancer. They had hope. The little guy fought hard. It appeared that they were winning. Then right around Christmas they got the news they had hoped they would not hear. Little Larsen had a relapse. Like a knockout punch, it sent the parents reeling.
I spent some time in talking to the father in January. I had just finished a presentation on stress management. Already I could tell that he was utilizing many of the tools I had just presented on. But, I felt helpless. How could I possibly help someone that had experienced so much. Much more then I could possibly fathom. I felt inadequate. I let him talk. I listened. It was obviously a difficult time for them. As we went our separate ways I commended him for talking. I challenged him to keep talking, to find his supports. I wished him well.
Tonight, as I watched the news, I saw another chapter in the story unfold in this ongoing tale of sadness. Last week they found out that Larsen had relapsed, again. Another devastating blow. When is enough, enough? So they packed up and went back to Winnipeg. More time at the hospital. More tests. More pain. The good news, his sister is a perfect match for a bone marrow transplant. His sister is a few years older than him. Will she understand? What does she have to go through to do this? More unknowns. More fear. More anxiety. How does one ever explain this to kids so that it makes sense to them.
And if that is not enough. Shortly after their return trip to Winnipeg, the family found out that their house had burnt. A house that they had just built four years ago. Destroyed. All their belongings gone. A few pictures saved. When is enough, enough? On their Facebook page the mother says they are so thankful that no one was hurt in the fire. That their priority is to get Larsen cancer-free. In a press conference they talked about their situation in a very calm manner. Amazing resilience. Puts things into perspective.
So at the outset I asked a question. When is enough, enough? I didn’t answer the question because the more I try the more I am left to wonder. Lives have been changed and continue changing. This family has experienced so much. Makes me feel guilty for not feeling satisfied with life. Makes me feel thankful for what I have. Here is wishing the family all the best as their journey continues. Here is hoping that enough is enough. Here is hoping that they find ways to cope, to survive, to face another day. To cope as individuals, as parents, as a brother, as a sister. And most of all I hope for a recovery for little Larsen.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Surviving Stress
Farming, as we know it, has been around since the beginning of time. Over the ages it has evolved to what we see today. From small backyard hobby farms to family farms to corporations. From single, specialized operations to large diversified, multi commodity enterprises. Many of these operations have been successful and continue to thrive in today’s environment. Success, in many cases, has been measured by the ability of farmers to adapt to all sorts of demands coming forward from consumers, society and government. What farmers have had difficulty adapting to have been circumstances outside of their control. BSE in cattle, excessive moisture in consecutive years, collapse of livestock prices, volatility of exchange rates, to name but a few. So, in spite of success stories, stress has become a major part of a famer’s everyday life.
The World Health Organization lists farming as one of the most stressful occupations and is surpassed only by Mining in terms of suicide rates. In 2005 CASA (Canadian Agricultural Safety Association) surveyed 1100 farmers. Of those surveyed, two thirds described themselves as being “very stressed”. Commodity prices ranked first in creating the most stress. Although finances came second there are a host of other issues that cause stress. They include, but are not limited to, input costs, government policies, weather, workload, relationships, and uncertain markets.
I have always struggled with adapting to new technology. Whether its cell phones, computers, or ATMs, I tend to be one of the last to utilize technology that is actually supposed to simplify my life. How often as farmers do we go through the same fear and frustrations? Each year we are bombarded by offers of new technology. Technology that will increase production, decrease input costs, increase growth rates, decrease dockage, and the list goes on. The key is for all of us to try and decide what will pay and what will not. As economic challenges come our way we are left to make decisions that are difficult at best. Always second guessing, always wondering. It is downright stressful. It used to be said that “anyone could farm, that all that was necessary was a weak mind and a strong back, but nowadays to be a successful farmer a person must have a good head and a wide education in order to handle all the advice ladled out by city folk, government people and others and to select for use that which will do them the least damage.”
Second guessing becomes one of our worst enemies. Not only in making decisions about what to buy, farmers daily make a host of other decisions. Marketing the commodity grown on your farm has become very important as markets become more and more volatile and margins tighter. Unless we hit the top of the market we also second guess what we did. I remember when forward contracting became available to hog producers. The first year I used the program I “locked in” some good prices. Then foot and mouth hit the Taiwanese hog herd and my locked in prices looked terrible. The following year I locked in my hog price and then barley prices hit record highs. Got to the point where I was “spooked” and could not make a right decision. It becomes very easy to forget the age old adage that you never go broke locking in a profit. Never mind the fact that partners, neighbors and even the banker are watching. Making a wrong decision can impact relationships as the bottom line becomes ever more important.
Speaking of relationships, stress can wreak havoc on any relationship, whether with partners, family, businesses you deal with and even the community you are part of. Maintaining relationships is a challenge when our minds are consumed with weather, commodity prices, breakdowns and all the other “stuff” that hits us on a daily basis. When stress hit me and I found myself in that “foggy middle” I would ignore people around me. I would disappear to the barn and work. Imagine, a hog barn becoming a refuge and yet that is exactly what happens. Why? No phones, no creditors, no parental responsibilities, and the list goes on. And the more I tried to immerse myself in work the more the relationships would suffer. What a vicious circle. And yet relationships provide us with identity, purpose and direction.
How can we not only maintain relationships but also improve relationships when we face the stress of farming on a daily basis. We live and work in a world that is fast paced and ever changing. We hear more and more about “burn out”. We give till we have nothing left to give. Our emotional gas tanks are empty. And yet the demands on us keep coming. How can we cope? How do we avoid slipping into that dark abyss? How do we get out from the dark cloud hanging over us? How do we find balance in a topsy turvy world?
Take the time to play, to laugh, and most of all to talk. You know that kids laugh up to four hundred times a day and when we become adults that drops to twelve laughs a day. Something as simple as chatting with the person filling you gas tank or the person bagging your groceries, will help in lifting your spirits. Look for and discover your supports. They may be your partner, a neighbor, your clergy, a friend, or may be your doctor. I recall a neighbor dropping by my barn when I was going through a difficult time. When he asked how I was doing my initial response was the usual “doing okay”. Then I realized I had an opportunity to talk so I poured out my soul. It felt so enlightening to be able to verbalize a lot of the stuff going on inside of me. He did not need to provide any advice or answers. Rather he validated and normalized my feelings. Take advantage of your supports. You may be surprised at the renewed energy you have, at least for one more day.
Meeting the challenges one day at a time is a good approach to stress management. Some time ago I came across an article that challenged us to live one day at a time. It challenged the reader to NOT worry about two days of the week. One of those being yesterday, and the other tomorrow. It went on to say that what had happened yesterday could not be undone and we could not erase a single thing that had been said or done. The article also stated tomorrow is outside of our control. We can only assume what may happen and based on my experience I always assume the worst rather than the best. The only sure thing about tomorrow is that the sun will rise and set. The article suggested that “it is not the experiences of today that drive people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow will bring”.
I have mentioned but a few of the stressors that you may feel or experience. And as the stress mounts one stress can lead to and build on another. Stress management is key for, not only survival, but for enhancement of life in general. Klinic Community Health has some good ideas on a website at www.de-stress.ca . They refer to music, nature, humor and others as tools to help one deal with the anxieties of life. There are other resources available as well. Many areas have Stress lines or Crisis lines. Avail yourself of the resources around you. I recall a picture my daughter made for me when she was quite young. It simply said “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon but that we wait so long to begin it”. Make it a good one.
The World Health Organization lists farming as one of the most stressful occupations and is surpassed only by Mining in terms of suicide rates. In 2005 CASA (Canadian Agricultural Safety Association) surveyed 1100 farmers. Of those surveyed, two thirds described themselves as being “very stressed”. Commodity prices ranked first in creating the most stress. Although finances came second there are a host of other issues that cause stress. They include, but are not limited to, input costs, government policies, weather, workload, relationships, and uncertain markets.
I have always struggled with adapting to new technology. Whether its cell phones, computers, or ATMs, I tend to be one of the last to utilize technology that is actually supposed to simplify my life. How often as farmers do we go through the same fear and frustrations? Each year we are bombarded by offers of new technology. Technology that will increase production, decrease input costs, increase growth rates, decrease dockage, and the list goes on. The key is for all of us to try and decide what will pay and what will not. As economic challenges come our way we are left to make decisions that are difficult at best. Always second guessing, always wondering. It is downright stressful. It used to be said that “anyone could farm, that all that was necessary was a weak mind and a strong back, but nowadays to be a successful farmer a person must have a good head and a wide education in order to handle all the advice ladled out by city folk, government people and others and to select for use that which will do them the least damage.”
Second guessing becomes one of our worst enemies. Not only in making decisions about what to buy, farmers daily make a host of other decisions. Marketing the commodity grown on your farm has become very important as markets become more and more volatile and margins tighter. Unless we hit the top of the market we also second guess what we did. I remember when forward contracting became available to hog producers. The first year I used the program I “locked in” some good prices. Then foot and mouth hit the Taiwanese hog herd and my locked in prices looked terrible. The following year I locked in my hog price and then barley prices hit record highs. Got to the point where I was “spooked” and could not make a right decision. It becomes very easy to forget the age old adage that you never go broke locking in a profit. Never mind the fact that partners, neighbors and even the banker are watching. Making a wrong decision can impact relationships as the bottom line becomes ever more important.
Speaking of relationships, stress can wreak havoc on any relationship, whether with partners, family, businesses you deal with and even the community you are part of. Maintaining relationships is a challenge when our minds are consumed with weather, commodity prices, breakdowns and all the other “stuff” that hits us on a daily basis. When stress hit me and I found myself in that “foggy middle” I would ignore people around me. I would disappear to the barn and work. Imagine, a hog barn becoming a refuge and yet that is exactly what happens. Why? No phones, no creditors, no parental responsibilities, and the list goes on. And the more I tried to immerse myself in work the more the relationships would suffer. What a vicious circle. And yet relationships provide us with identity, purpose and direction.
How can we not only maintain relationships but also improve relationships when we face the stress of farming on a daily basis. We live and work in a world that is fast paced and ever changing. We hear more and more about “burn out”. We give till we have nothing left to give. Our emotional gas tanks are empty. And yet the demands on us keep coming. How can we cope? How do we avoid slipping into that dark abyss? How do we get out from the dark cloud hanging over us? How do we find balance in a topsy turvy world?
Take the time to play, to laugh, and most of all to talk. You know that kids laugh up to four hundred times a day and when we become adults that drops to twelve laughs a day. Something as simple as chatting with the person filling you gas tank or the person bagging your groceries, will help in lifting your spirits. Look for and discover your supports. They may be your partner, a neighbor, your clergy, a friend, or may be your doctor. I recall a neighbor dropping by my barn when I was going through a difficult time. When he asked how I was doing my initial response was the usual “doing okay”. Then I realized I had an opportunity to talk so I poured out my soul. It felt so enlightening to be able to verbalize a lot of the stuff going on inside of me. He did not need to provide any advice or answers. Rather he validated and normalized my feelings. Take advantage of your supports. You may be surprised at the renewed energy you have, at least for one more day.
Meeting the challenges one day at a time is a good approach to stress management. Some time ago I came across an article that challenged us to live one day at a time. It challenged the reader to NOT worry about two days of the week. One of those being yesterday, and the other tomorrow. It went on to say that what had happened yesterday could not be undone and we could not erase a single thing that had been said or done. The article also stated tomorrow is outside of our control. We can only assume what may happen and based on my experience I always assume the worst rather than the best. The only sure thing about tomorrow is that the sun will rise and set. The article suggested that “it is not the experiences of today that drive people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow will bring”.
I have mentioned but a few of the stressors that you may feel or experience. And as the stress mounts one stress can lead to and build on another. Stress management is key for, not only survival, but for enhancement of life in general. Klinic Community Health has some good ideas on a website at www.de-stress.ca . They refer to music, nature, humor and others as tools to help one deal with the anxieties of life. There are other resources available as well. Many areas have Stress lines or Crisis lines. Avail yourself of the resources around you. I recall a picture my daughter made for me when she was quite young. It simply said “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon but that we wait so long to begin it”. Make it a good one.
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