Wow. Here we are again. Is it me or is time flying by at too rapid a pace. It feels like only yesterday I was sitting here thinking about the same stuff. Christmas seems to be about reflecting on days gone by. That may be a good thing for some but for others brings about a certain sadness. I am often puzzled when a feeling of melancholy covers me like a blanket during Christmas festivities. I have shared this story before but I remember as a child being at a get together with uncles and aunts and cousins. Singing carols was always a part of the day’s festivities. During the singing I noticed a particular uncle would often have tears in his eyes. It often made me wonder. I now get that. Seems to have the same effect on me, not that I spend a lot of time with people singing carols, but even a song on the radio can elicit a similar response.
It has been said before that music provides a pathway to reflection. Maybe that’s it. Or it may be the short days, a reminder of loved ones who have passed, the hype and increase in expectations or just a feeling of loneliness exacerbated by others around us who seem particularly joyous. I suppose I could have just said “Bah Humbug” and left it at that. However, that is not my intent. Rather it is just a recognition that there are things that make us nostalgic or sad. The good news is there are also other things that provide comfort and joy. I think there is a song there.
The following poem is one I like posting this time of year. Perhaps I like it so much because it talks about the three areas I work with a lot. Stress management, conflict, and family relationships. Enjoy. Make it a good one.
Put your problems on probation
Run your troubles off the track,
Throw your worries out the window
Get the monkeys off your back.
Silence all your inner critics
With your conscience make amends,
And allow yourself some happiness
It's Christmas time again!
Call a truce with those who bother you
Let all the fighting cease,
Give your differences a breather
And declare a time of peace,
Don't let angry feelings taint
The precious time you have to spend,
And allow yourself some happiness
It's Christmas time again!
Like some cool refreshing water
Or a gentle summer breeze,
Like a fresh bouquet of flowers
Or the smell of autumn leaves,
It's a banquet for the spirit
Filled with family, food and friends,
So allow yourself some happiness
It's Christmas time again!
Bob Lazzar-Atwood
The Recovering Farmer
Friday, December 21, 2018
Monday, December 17, 2018
A New Chapter
Recently I made the comment that I need to accept who I am because if I am not who I am then who am I. That’s a mouthful and, quite frankly, gives me a headache if I think about it too much. But I think I maybe on to something new. Keep reading.
I am trying to become Twitter agile and in that vein have been on Twitter quite often. In fact I tweeted but please don’t tell anyone. That is way outside of my comfort zone. And not only did I tweet, I shared something personal. And now it is out there. Scary thought.
I did see an interesting quote as I traversed Twitter. It went like this. “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” That sounds like a novel idea to me. It seems we spend an inordinate amount of time looking for ourselves, at least I do, and when I do look I normally just get lost even worse, or when I do find myself, I don’t like what I find.
Further to that I read an interesting piece this morning. A therapist, who deals with couples struggling with infidelity in their relationship, has a novel suggestion for these couples. She suggests that there are two approaches to the problem. One is explore obvious hurts and betrayal but the other is the growth and self-discovery that can rise to the surface. She will tell these couples that their first marriage is over and that they have the opportunity to start a second marriage.
That got me to thinking more of my own story of recovery and discovery. Through my journey I have spent significant time ruminating about the past, regretting some of the decisions I made, wishing my choices had been better. It actually reminds me of a conversation I had with a feed sales person. He asked about the farm and I told him we were winding down the farm and that I had come to the conclusion that I was no longer a farmer. He looked at me and suggested that perhaps I never had been. My initial response to that was one of “how dare you”. I felt diminished and embarrassed. For a fleeting moment it felt like I was not who I am. But those feelings left quickly when I understood what he meant. It wasn’t that I was a bad farmer, although that probably would have been true, but rather he was validating and confirming the work I was doing in my mediation business and that I was good at it. It was actually encouraging. That suggested to me that some of my choices could have been better but at the same time many of my experiences have shaped who I am today.
Back to my journey. As you will have noticed in the story that I recently posted, I have learned a lot about mental health and how that pertains to me. As insidious as the illness is there are ways and means to deal with it. Having said that perhaps I need to change my approach based on some of what I talked about previously. Instead of looking for myself I need to create myself. Instead of looking back at some bad decisions in my life I need to look ahead and make good decisions for my future.
The way I see this is that if I close the chapter on the past I can begin writing a new chapter starting with the present, in essence starting a new life. It would seem to me that that could provide for a brighter future. I think this may work. So if you see me in the future and I am not who you think I am you will know I am who I am; working on a new me. And then I can say I am me and nobody else and nobody else is me. Might take a while to figure this out but I think it may be worth it. Make it a good one.
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” Deepak Chopra
I am trying to become Twitter agile and in that vein have been on Twitter quite often. In fact I tweeted but please don’t tell anyone. That is way outside of my comfort zone. And not only did I tweet, I shared something personal. And now it is out there. Scary thought.
I did see an interesting quote as I traversed Twitter. It went like this. “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” That sounds like a novel idea to me. It seems we spend an inordinate amount of time looking for ourselves, at least I do, and when I do look I normally just get lost even worse, or when I do find myself, I don’t like what I find.
Further to that I read an interesting piece this morning. A therapist, who deals with couples struggling with infidelity in their relationship, has a novel suggestion for these couples. She suggests that there are two approaches to the problem. One is explore obvious hurts and betrayal but the other is the growth and self-discovery that can rise to the surface. She will tell these couples that their first marriage is over and that they have the opportunity to start a second marriage.
That got me to thinking more of my own story of recovery and discovery. Through my journey I have spent significant time ruminating about the past, regretting some of the decisions I made, wishing my choices had been better. It actually reminds me of a conversation I had with a feed sales person. He asked about the farm and I told him we were winding down the farm and that I had come to the conclusion that I was no longer a farmer. He looked at me and suggested that perhaps I never had been. My initial response to that was one of “how dare you”. I felt diminished and embarrassed. For a fleeting moment it felt like I was not who I am. But those feelings left quickly when I understood what he meant. It wasn’t that I was a bad farmer, although that probably would have been true, but rather he was validating and confirming the work I was doing in my mediation business and that I was good at it. It was actually encouraging. That suggested to me that some of my choices could have been better but at the same time many of my experiences have shaped who I am today.
Back to my journey. As you will have noticed in the story that I recently posted, I have learned a lot about mental health and how that pertains to me. As insidious as the illness is there are ways and means to deal with it. Having said that perhaps I need to change my approach based on some of what I talked about previously. Instead of looking for myself I need to create myself. Instead of looking back at some bad decisions in my life I need to look ahead and make good decisions for my future.
The way I see this is that if I close the chapter on the past I can begin writing a new chapter starting with the present, in essence starting a new life. It would seem to me that that could provide for a brighter future. I think this may work. So if you see me in the future and I am not who you think I am you will know I am who I am; working on a new me. And then I can say I am me and nobody else and nobody else is me. Might take a while to figure this out but I think it may be worth it. Make it a good one.
“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” Deepak Chopra
Monday, December 10, 2018
Supporting Others and Ourselves
Just recently I had a dream that I was back on the farm. I was checking pigs in a bio-tech. Not sure they are still called that but in essence are a straw based shelter to house pigs. The manure pack was so deep that pigs were able to escape their confines. The shelter needed fresh bedding in the worst way. And the pigs were not heavy enough to sell which created a problem because of cash flow issues.
I often dream but seldom do I remember what dreams were about when I get up. These dreams about the farm happen quite regularly but I can normally identify the trigger. The morning after the dream, I just mentioned, I was puzzled about why I had that dream. I had been preparing for presentations on stress management, which includes anecdotal examples of my journey, but that does not usually trigger those dreams. And then I remembered, the day before I had met the banker that was involved with our farm through much of our financial struggles. It actually made me smile. You have to understand that in spite of the job he needed to do he was also a tremendous support. Takes a great deal of skill to be able to do what he did.
When I think back I know there were other service providers to my farm that were probably the first ones that I unloaded on. Whether the aforementioned banker, or feed salesmen, or truck drivers, they probably knew more about my story initially than my wife and kids. Some of my venting was probably disguised as voicing frustration about interest rates or feed prices or other issues I was dealing with that were outside of my control. Some of the more seasoned ones recognized the symptoms and if nothing else at least listened, normalized and validated my concerns.
Just recently I facilitated a workshop for service providers. The participants were working with grain producers in Alberta, in an area that has seen three years of challenges due to weather issues. The workshop is designed to help these service providers in identifying stress in their clients and to be able to respond when these clients start “dumping” on them. The stories that were shared that day spoke to the difficult situations they often found themselves in.
There is another side to this story. A number of years ago I met with a psychologist as my mental health seemed to be deteriorating. He was well aware that my work at the time was primarily dealing with farmers struggling through financial issues. He told me it was obvious that my emotional gas tank was empty. We talked about the effect my work was having on my own mental health. He suggested that the negative energy I dealt with in my work was impacting my own resilience, whether I was aware of it or not.
Obviously when dealing with these stressful situations in our clients we need the tools to be able to deal with that and still be able to do our job. Potentially that often puts us into a very difficult position. These may be clients we have grown to know over time, they may be part of our community, or they may be clients who are being put in untenable situations by the very organizations that we work for. That creates unpleasant scenarios for us.
It then also becomes imperative that we understand what this does to our own emotions. How it creates stress on ourselves, our lives, and our relationships. If we have that awareness we can be proactive in taking care of our own health, to maintain a work/life balance and to make sure we live life as best possible. What do you do to look after yourself? Think about it. Make it a good one.
“When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another and ourselves.” Jack Kornfield
I often dream but seldom do I remember what dreams were about when I get up. These dreams about the farm happen quite regularly but I can normally identify the trigger. The morning after the dream, I just mentioned, I was puzzled about why I had that dream. I had been preparing for presentations on stress management, which includes anecdotal examples of my journey, but that does not usually trigger those dreams. And then I remembered, the day before I had met the banker that was involved with our farm through much of our financial struggles. It actually made me smile. You have to understand that in spite of the job he needed to do he was also a tremendous support. Takes a great deal of skill to be able to do what he did.
When I think back I know there were other service providers to my farm that were probably the first ones that I unloaded on. Whether the aforementioned banker, or feed salesmen, or truck drivers, they probably knew more about my story initially than my wife and kids. Some of my venting was probably disguised as voicing frustration about interest rates or feed prices or other issues I was dealing with that were outside of my control. Some of the more seasoned ones recognized the symptoms and if nothing else at least listened, normalized and validated my concerns.
Just recently I facilitated a workshop for service providers. The participants were working with grain producers in Alberta, in an area that has seen three years of challenges due to weather issues. The workshop is designed to help these service providers in identifying stress in their clients and to be able to respond when these clients start “dumping” on them. The stories that were shared that day spoke to the difficult situations they often found themselves in.
There is another side to this story. A number of years ago I met with a psychologist as my mental health seemed to be deteriorating. He was well aware that my work at the time was primarily dealing with farmers struggling through financial issues. He told me it was obvious that my emotional gas tank was empty. We talked about the effect my work was having on my own mental health. He suggested that the negative energy I dealt with in my work was impacting my own resilience, whether I was aware of it or not.
Obviously when dealing with these stressful situations in our clients we need the tools to be able to deal with that and still be able to do our job. Potentially that often puts us into a very difficult position. These may be clients we have grown to know over time, they may be part of our community, or they may be clients who are being put in untenable situations by the very organizations that we work for. That creates unpleasant scenarios for us.
It then also becomes imperative that we understand what this does to our own emotions. How it creates stress on ourselves, our lives, and our relationships. If we have that awareness we can be proactive in taking care of our own health, to maintain a work/life balance and to make sure we live life as best possible. What do you do to look after yourself? Think about it. Make it a good one.
“When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another and ourselves.” Jack Kornfield
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Telling My Story
Wow. What an interesting two weeks. If someone would have told me two months ago how this would go I might have approached these weeks with some trepidation. But, perhaps, that is just how life is. We never know what’s around the corner so we push through and accept what life gives us.
In 2010 I was asked to share my story of anxiety and depression. I did start talking about it and seems that I continue to talk about it. Normally I share bits of my journey in presentations or workshops that address stress management information. It becomes relatively easy then to pull in pieces of my story to throw in life experiences into theory to make sense of it.
A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity share and present to a group in Alberta. The afternoon included a workshop for people dealing with farmers or as I like calling them, service providers. In the evening the County hosted a dinner for their rate payers. I was given the opportunity to share my story and participate on a panel of “experts” on stress management. What a great opportunity and learning experience. I always maintain that we learn so much from sharing stories and experiences.
As I waited at the airport for my flight to Edmonton I wandered into a bookstore. One of the first books that caught my eye was one written by Chris Anderson entitled Ted Talks, The Official TED Guide to Public Speaking. That may possibly be the most interesting and helpful book I have ever bought. I read that all the way to Edmonton and when I got to my hotel I began to rejig my presentations.
Through the process of preparing for Alberta I also knew that the following week I was presenting at the AgEx conference in Winnipeg. Although, in typical fashion, when I agreed to that I gave little to no thought of what I was committing to. The difference on this one was that I was part of a panel and so my role was to only tell my story and I had eighteen minutes to tell it. As the time came closer and after reading the book I had an inkling that I might be in for a challenge. So instead of freewheeling it, like I normally would, I decided to write out the entire presentation and just read it. That part actually goes against everything I read in the book but I also recognized my limitations.
As I reflected on and wrote out my story I also became keenly aware that I was drilling deeper into my past than I had before. There were pieces that brought out emotions that I had not expected. So I had a feeling that presenting this in front of 200 people could well overwhelm me. I was not wrong. It turned out to be the most difficult presentation I have ever made. I found myself significantly outside my comfort zone.
As I look back on that day I find myself feeling various emotions. Yes, I felt vulnerable but that’s okay. I was quite emotional before, during and after. That’s okay too. The response from people was incredible which was awesome. And, as per usual, the part I liked best was others coming to validate what I had said, share their own experiences, or ask for help for others that were traveling a similar journey as my own. I like it. Reiterated what I have said for years. TALK ABOUT IT. Make it a good one.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” C. S. Lewis
In 2010 I was asked to share my story of anxiety and depression. I did start talking about it and seems that I continue to talk about it. Normally I share bits of my journey in presentations or workshops that address stress management information. It becomes relatively easy then to pull in pieces of my story to throw in life experiences into theory to make sense of it.
A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity share and present to a group in Alberta. The afternoon included a workshop for people dealing with farmers or as I like calling them, service providers. In the evening the County hosted a dinner for their rate payers. I was given the opportunity to share my story and participate on a panel of “experts” on stress management. What a great opportunity and learning experience. I always maintain that we learn so much from sharing stories and experiences.
As I waited at the airport for my flight to Edmonton I wandered into a bookstore. One of the first books that caught my eye was one written by Chris Anderson entitled Ted Talks, The Official TED Guide to Public Speaking. That may possibly be the most interesting and helpful book I have ever bought. I read that all the way to Edmonton and when I got to my hotel I began to rejig my presentations.
Through the process of preparing for Alberta I also knew that the following week I was presenting at the AgEx conference in Winnipeg. Although, in typical fashion, when I agreed to that I gave little to no thought of what I was committing to. The difference on this one was that I was part of a panel and so my role was to only tell my story and I had eighteen minutes to tell it. As the time came closer and after reading the book I had an inkling that I might be in for a challenge. So instead of freewheeling it, like I normally would, I decided to write out the entire presentation and just read it. That part actually goes against everything I read in the book but I also recognized my limitations.
As I reflected on and wrote out my story I also became keenly aware that I was drilling deeper into my past than I had before. There were pieces that brought out emotions that I had not expected. So I had a feeling that presenting this in front of 200 people could well overwhelm me. I was not wrong. It turned out to be the most difficult presentation I have ever made. I found myself significantly outside my comfort zone.
As I look back on that day I find myself feeling various emotions. Yes, I felt vulnerable but that’s okay. I was quite emotional before, during and after. That’s okay too. The response from people was incredible which was awesome. And, as per usual, the part I liked best was others coming to validate what I had said, share their own experiences, or ask for help for others that were traveling a similar journey as my own. I like it. Reiterated what I have said for years. TALK ABOUT IT. Make it a good one.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” C. S. Lewis
Friday, November 30, 2018
My Story
(Presentation to Farm Management Canada's AgEx conference)
Some time ago my sister heard an interview I had done on radio. She phoned me and asked what it meant to be a recovering farmer. Although I had been referring to myself as that, I really didn’t have a clear answer for her. It got me thinking. So I checked the definition of recovering and the Encarta dictionary defines it as “returning to a previous state of health, prosperity, and equanimity”. Equanimity is a big word so I checked that as well. It means to “have an evenness of temper even when under stress”. That explains why I am still in recovery mode.
My task today is to tell you about my journey through the labyrinth of stress, depression and anxiety. In 2003 together with my brother Bob I was operating a family farm in western Manitoba, I was president of Manitoba Pork Marketing, Chairman of Dynamic Pork, and an active mediator with the Manitoba Farm Mediation Board. The hog industry was in a continuous downward spiral so my farm, the organizations I was involved in, and its members were experiencing significant challenges.
During a mediation meeting in the fall of 2003 I suddenly felt my heart do some interesting palpitations, felt a shortness of breath and thought I would pass out. It passed relatively quickly. It started happening on a more frequent basis to the point where early in 2004 I did seek help from a doctor. The doctor explained that I was experiencing anxiety and depression and needed to go on medication. With little to no thought about the intricacies of mental illness I went on meds. That was the beginning of my recovery, discovery not so much.
Combined with my mental health issues and ongoing and increasing stress my behaviours started changing. Of particular note was an increase in expectations for myself and for others. I could do nothing right and neither could anyone else in my life. Internally my self-esteem reached new lows and externally my relationships with others, particularly those close to me, suffered.
My coping mechanisms were not particularly helpful. I found out that alcohol does an amazing job easing anxiety. Unfortunately as alcohol leaves the body it increases anxiety. So the only way to combat that is to drink more, which I did. And if it wasn’t a self-medicated fog it was finding other means of escaping. I found the hog barn to be a sanctuary. Away from people, away from my phone, away from my family, and perhaps, even an attempt to escape from myself.
Was I suicidal at any time? No, but I certainly had thoughts of dying because in my twisted way of thinking there would be some benefit. I could escape my mental pain, my wife and kids would be better off financially, and the world would be better off without me. It makes sense to me when someone says; “I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of living”.
Suicide is no stranger to most of us. In August of 2015 I received a call that shook me to the core. Someone I knew had died by suicide. I grew up and was friends with her husband. She was a wife and a mother. The family shared how in that short week following her death they had gained a much better understanding of mental illness. The family was very clear that their mother had fought a courageous fight with mental illness and had lost, similar to someone that had fought a fight against cancer and lost. When I left that funeral I had a number of emotions run through me. I felt encouraged to understand that I along with many others were fighting courageous fights and not experiencing something to be ashamed and embarrassed about. I felt a tinge of envy that Heather had escaped the pain. But I also felt an incredible fear, afraid that some morning I might wake up and just not be able to face another day.
In 2005 I was on a motorcycle trip with my brother. I had been off of my meds for a few months and was functioning quite well or so I thought. On the last day of the trip as we were nearing home I witnessed him crash his bike. Ironically that morning before we hit the road (no pun intended) we made the decision to sell the farm. Unfortunately the relief that decision brought was short-lived. When he had his accident my responsibilities increased significantly. As he lay in the hospital in a coma I needed to take over his portion of the work and life overwhelmed me. As an aside he did make a full recovery although I sometimes suggest to him that he did not hit his head quite hard enough.
As the stresses of life consumed me I knew I needed help. Rose and I decided that instead of going on meds I should try talk therapy. I had a session with a psychologist who was not impressed that I would sell the family farm and at the end of the appointment said I needed to go back on meds because I could not afford him. I tried a community mental health worker who really tried but after 2 sessions let me know that she didn’t think she could help me any further. I went back on meds.
I was always convinced that should we be able to sell the farm my depression and anxiety would also end. In 2007 when we were able to sell the farm and move on I discovered rather quickly that that was not the end of my journey.
As part of the farm wind down and an opportunity to enhance my conflict management work I applied to the MFRSL as a volunteer. In retrospect and entirely unintentional, that was the beginning of the discovery part of my journey. First and foremost, through the training I learned so much about mental health and how that related to my situation. Secondly I was contracted to facilitate workshops on Men and Depression which provided another source of discovery, through research and through meeting and talking to others.
As part of my preparation I felt that I needed to talk to Rose and my kids to gain a perspective of their thoughts and feelings regarding my issues with depression. I had always thought that I was hiding my illness but found out rather different. Rose related how I had changed into a different person, a far cry from the person she had married. My kids talked about crying themselves to sleep because of their concern over their father and our financial issues. I had no idea and perhaps it was better at the time because I suspect had I known the guilt might well have pushed me over the edge.
The kickoff to the workshops happened to be a call in show on a local radio station. Now understand that as part of the workshops I had agreed to tell my story but had never really considered the implications of opening up. Two minutes in the host looked at me and suggested I start telling my story. The moment of truth hit. You know that feeling where your life flashes before your eyes? Talk about a WTF moment. I knew I could either shut up and look totally idiotic or begin talking. I began talking. I cannot emphasize enough how much talking about it has helped me, whether with my family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, and others. Unfortunately just talking about it is not always enough.
There still are periods where I do become lost in the labyrinth and finding my way back can be challenging. Earlier this year my family noticed that I was headed off the rails again and made it clear that I needed to seek help again.
At this point you need to understand that since 2003 I had countless doctor appointments, seen 1 psychiatrist, 2 psychologists, a community mental health worker, a counsellor, and a therapist. Please do not take this the wrong way. Aside from the psychologist I mentioned earlier the others really tried but as with many other things in life we sometimes have to seek out the second, third, or even fourth opinion. The point being, NEVER GIVE UP.
This last June I found myself going to a naturopath appointment not holding out much hope. Just thought it would be more of the same but hey, I wanted to placate the family right. Sounds like I may have had the wrong attitude. That appointment was a game changer. For the first time ever someone connected dots for me. And maybe it wasn’t the first time someone connected dots for me, but it certainly was the first time it all made sense to me. There was no instant fix that day. Rather it was just the clear understanding of the intricacies of my mental health that gave me the extra push I needed to continue my journey in a new way.
My recovery has been far from linear. At the outset I used the word labyrinth. The Encarta dictionary defines labyrinth as “a place with a lot of crisscrossing or complicated passages, tunnels, or paths in which it would be easy to become lost”.
So I am not sitting here today to tell you that I became sick and have been healed. Rather I am telling you that I still live in that labyrinth. But I am also telling you that because of a deeper understanding and utilizing what I have learned it is much easier to travel that journey and not become lost.
Yesterday morning as I drank my coffee and caught up with news I read an article forewarning of wacky weather this winter. I need to quote this here as it actually provided a chuckle. The article said that; "For Brandon specifically. . . . We’re probably going to have some cold periods; maybe even a few outbreaks of bitter cold at some points during the winter, but also some milder periods as well." Sounds more normal than wacky to me.
That is the analogy I like to use with my mental health. There are times, whether for an hour or a day, when anxiety pays a visit or my mood is subdued. But I know like the weather in Manitoba it won’t last. I also know that these ups and downs will happen in the future. But like the forecast previously mentioned that is normal.
So through awareness, acceptance, and an effort to be more intentional I can weather those fluctuations. Utilizing and sticking with the things that help when I do experience a bad spell I can rest assured it isn’t forever. That gives me the ability to experience life as best possible. That lets me be who I am because if I am not who I am then who am I.
Back to my attempt at returning to a previous state of health, prosperity and equanimity. I have just told you about my mental health. Physically I will never be able to run a marathon but that’s okay, I never could before either. I blew my retirement in the 90’s so my wife tells me I have to work till noon the day of my funeral. I am okay with that as well. Early in life I started with nothing and I have most of it left. Equanimity? Therein lies my next project. You see, all my stress in life manifests itself in road rage and with the amount of time I spend on the road I best deal with that or I may need the help of a good mediator. The recovery continues.
John Greenleaf Whittier was an advocate for the abolition of slavery back in the mid 1800’s. He experienced significant mental health issues and wrote the following poem which I would like to leave with you today.
Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell just how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
Some time ago my sister heard an interview I had done on radio. She phoned me and asked what it meant to be a recovering farmer. Although I had been referring to myself as that, I really didn’t have a clear answer for her. It got me thinking. So I checked the definition of recovering and the Encarta dictionary defines it as “returning to a previous state of health, prosperity, and equanimity”. Equanimity is a big word so I checked that as well. It means to “have an evenness of temper even when under stress”. That explains why I am still in recovery mode.
My task today is to tell you about my journey through the labyrinth of stress, depression and anxiety. In 2003 together with my brother Bob I was operating a family farm in western Manitoba, I was president of Manitoba Pork Marketing, Chairman of Dynamic Pork, and an active mediator with the Manitoba Farm Mediation Board. The hog industry was in a continuous downward spiral so my farm, the organizations I was involved in, and its members were experiencing significant challenges.
During a mediation meeting in the fall of 2003 I suddenly felt my heart do some interesting palpitations, felt a shortness of breath and thought I would pass out. It passed relatively quickly. It started happening on a more frequent basis to the point where early in 2004 I did seek help from a doctor. The doctor explained that I was experiencing anxiety and depression and needed to go on medication. With little to no thought about the intricacies of mental illness I went on meds. That was the beginning of my recovery, discovery not so much.
Combined with my mental health issues and ongoing and increasing stress my behaviours started changing. Of particular note was an increase in expectations for myself and for others. I could do nothing right and neither could anyone else in my life. Internally my self-esteem reached new lows and externally my relationships with others, particularly those close to me, suffered.
My coping mechanisms were not particularly helpful. I found out that alcohol does an amazing job easing anxiety. Unfortunately as alcohol leaves the body it increases anxiety. So the only way to combat that is to drink more, which I did. And if it wasn’t a self-medicated fog it was finding other means of escaping. I found the hog barn to be a sanctuary. Away from people, away from my phone, away from my family, and perhaps, even an attempt to escape from myself.
Was I suicidal at any time? No, but I certainly had thoughts of dying because in my twisted way of thinking there would be some benefit. I could escape my mental pain, my wife and kids would be better off financially, and the world would be better off without me. It makes sense to me when someone says; “I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of living”.
Suicide is no stranger to most of us. In August of 2015 I received a call that shook me to the core. Someone I knew had died by suicide. I grew up and was friends with her husband. She was a wife and a mother. The family shared how in that short week following her death they had gained a much better understanding of mental illness. The family was very clear that their mother had fought a courageous fight with mental illness and had lost, similar to someone that had fought a fight against cancer and lost. When I left that funeral I had a number of emotions run through me. I felt encouraged to understand that I along with many others were fighting courageous fights and not experiencing something to be ashamed and embarrassed about. I felt a tinge of envy that Heather had escaped the pain. But I also felt an incredible fear, afraid that some morning I might wake up and just not be able to face another day.
In 2005 I was on a motorcycle trip with my brother. I had been off of my meds for a few months and was functioning quite well or so I thought. On the last day of the trip as we were nearing home I witnessed him crash his bike. Ironically that morning before we hit the road (no pun intended) we made the decision to sell the farm. Unfortunately the relief that decision brought was short-lived. When he had his accident my responsibilities increased significantly. As he lay in the hospital in a coma I needed to take over his portion of the work and life overwhelmed me. As an aside he did make a full recovery although I sometimes suggest to him that he did not hit his head quite hard enough.
As the stresses of life consumed me I knew I needed help. Rose and I decided that instead of going on meds I should try talk therapy. I had a session with a psychologist who was not impressed that I would sell the family farm and at the end of the appointment said I needed to go back on meds because I could not afford him. I tried a community mental health worker who really tried but after 2 sessions let me know that she didn’t think she could help me any further. I went back on meds.
I was always convinced that should we be able to sell the farm my depression and anxiety would also end. In 2007 when we were able to sell the farm and move on I discovered rather quickly that that was not the end of my journey.
As part of the farm wind down and an opportunity to enhance my conflict management work I applied to the MFRSL as a volunteer. In retrospect and entirely unintentional, that was the beginning of the discovery part of my journey. First and foremost, through the training I learned so much about mental health and how that related to my situation. Secondly I was contracted to facilitate workshops on Men and Depression which provided another source of discovery, through research and through meeting and talking to others.
As part of my preparation I felt that I needed to talk to Rose and my kids to gain a perspective of their thoughts and feelings regarding my issues with depression. I had always thought that I was hiding my illness but found out rather different. Rose related how I had changed into a different person, a far cry from the person she had married. My kids talked about crying themselves to sleep because of their concern over their father and our financial issues. I had no idea and perhaps it was better at the time because I suspect had I known the guilt might well have pushed me over the edge.
The kickoff to the workshops happened to be a call in show on a local radio station. Now understand that as part of the workshops I had agreed to tell my story but had never really considered the implications of opening up. Two minutes in the host looked at me and suggested I start telling my story. The moment of truth hit. You know that feeling where your life flashes before your eyes? Talk about a WTF moment. I knew I could either shut up and look totally idiotic or begin talking. I began talking. I cannot emphasize enough how much talking about it has helped me, whether with my family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, and others. Unfortunately just talking about it is not always enough.
There still are periods where I do become lost in the labyrinth and finding my way back can be challenging. Earlier this year my family noticed that I was headed off the rails again and made it clear that I needed to seek help again.
At this point you need to understand that since 2003 I had countless doctor appointments, seen 1 psychiatrist, 2 psychologists, a community mental health worker, a counsellor, and a therapist. Please do not take this the wrong way. Aside from the psychologist I mentioned earlier the others really tried but as with many other things in life we sometimes have to seek out the second, third, or even fourth opinion. The point being, NEVER GIVE UP.
This last June I found myself going to a naturopath appointment not holding out much hope. Just thought it would be more of the same but hey, I wanted to placate the family right. Sounds like I may have had the wrong attitude. That appointment was a game changer. For the first time ever someone connected dots for me. And maybe it wasn’t the first time someone connected dots for me, but it certainly was the first time it all made sense to me. There was no instant fix that day. Rather it was just the clear understanding of the intricacies of my mental health that gave me the extra push I needed to continue my journey in a new way.
My recovery has been far from linear. At the outset I used the word labyrinth. The Encarta dictionary defines labyrinth as “a place with a lot of crisscrossing or complicated passages, tunnels, or paths in which it would be easy to become lost”.
So I am not sitting here today to tell you that I became sick and have been healed. Rather I am telling you that I still live in that labyrinth. But I am also telling you that because of a deeper understanding and utilizing what I have learned it is much easier to travel that journey and not become lost.
Yesterday morning as I drank my coffee and caught up with news I read an article forewarning of wacky weather this winter. I need to quote this here as it actually provided a chuckle. The article said that; "For Brandon specifically. . . . We’re probably going to have some cold periods; maybe even a few outbreaks of bitter cold at some points during the winter, but also some milder periods as well." Sounds more normal than wacky to me.
That is the analogy I like to use with my mental health. There are times, whether for an hour or a day, when anxiety pays a visit or my mood is subdued. But I know like the weather in Manitoba it won’t last. I also know that these ups and downs will happen in the future. But like the forecast previously mentioned that is normal.
So through awareness, acceptance, and an effort to be more intentional I can weather those fluctuations. Utilizing and sticking with the things that help when I do experience a bad spell I can rest assured it isn’t forever. That gives me the ability to experience life as best possible. That lets me be who I am because if I am not who I am then who am I.
Back to my attempt at returning to a previous state of health, prosperity and equanimity. I have just told you about my mental health. Physically I will never be able to run a marathon but that’s okay, I never could before either. I blew my retirement in the 90’s so my wife tells me I have to work till noon the day of my funeral. I am okay with that as well. Early in life I started with nothing and I have most of it left. Equanimity? Therein lies my next project. You see, all my stress in life manifests itself in road rage and with the amount of time I spend on the road I best deal with that or I may need the help of a good mediator. The recovery continues.
John Greenleaf Whittier was an advocate for the abolition of slavery back in the mid 1800’s. He experienced significant mental health issues and wrote the following poem which I would like to leave with you today.
Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell just how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
Friday, November 16, 2018
Making Room
We seem to be living in a chaotic world and as such life has this way of throwing challenges at us that can be difficult to understand and deal with. It begs the question; is the world actually more chaotic or has our world shrunk and through various means, in particular digital media, we have a firsthand glimpse of what is happening around the globe? Perhaps it does not matter.
Aside from news we have a plethora of choices when it comes to what’s on TV. Back in the days of farmer TV we had a choice of two and a half channels. Some of you younger folks are scratching your heads about that one. You see, we had a TV with antennas sticking up, commonly known as rabbit ears, and if we pointed them in just the right direction we could pick up 2 channels. For those that were innovative some tinfoil on those antennas would actually give us a fuzzy version of a third channel. My apologies, I digress.
With hundreds of channels now available combined with Netflix and Cravetv the choices are endless. Crime shows, cooking shows, music channels, 24 hour news, series, and documentaries to name but a few. So you choose a series and you binge watch. You can easily lose yourself in some of these shows. My wife and I have talked about how some shows with high intensity have the ability to increase anxieties. Not sure that is healthy.
Over the last two weeks I have spent significant time with someone that is experiencing debilitating anxiety. Although she has experienced anxiety in the past this last go around is new for her and left her reeling. She does not understand why this is happening. It is concerning and, of course, those concerns just add to her anxiety.
We talked about what anxiety feels like. When I mentioned to her that a client once compared anxiety to a squirrel she was curious. I challenged her to imagine a squirrel. Very active. Quite noisy. Flits from place to place. Never runs in a straight line. Hops from tree to tree. Quite agile. Can be intrusive. Always on the lookout. Never a dull moment. I wonder, do they ever sleep? I asked her how that compared to her thoughts when she experienced anxiety at its worst. She got it. It made sense to her.
We then talked about the workings of anxiety. She told me how a naturopath had told her that an actual wave of anxiety only lasts 90 seconds. The doctor had told her if it lasted longer it was only because she was “throwing gasoline on the fire”. I thought back to when I started having panic attacks, but didn’t know it, and the explanation made sense.
So the challenge becomes to control our thoughts. We need to tame the squirrel. But how? I have some ideas. It is virtually impossible to push anxious thoughts out of your head. What is much easier is trying really hard to think of happy thoughts. So we have to make room in our heads to store some good thoughts that we quickly use when needed. Take the time to write down a few of the things in life that really make you happy. Then refer back to that list regularly till they are ingrained in your brain. That way they are easily accessible. Perhaps this is easier said than done. But with practice it can work. Trust me. I know. It works for me. Make it a good one.
“Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.” Jodi Picoult
Aside from news we have a plethora of choices when it comes to what’s on TV. Back in the days of farmer TV we had a choice of two and a half channels. Some of you younger folks are scratching your heads about that one. You see, we had a TV with antennas sticking up, commonly known as rabbit ears, and if we pointed them in just the right direction we could pick up 2 channels. For those that were innovative some tinfoil on those antennas would actually give us a fuzzy version of a third channel. My apologies, I digress.
With hundreds of channels now available combined with Netflix and Cravetv the choices are endless. Crime shows, cooking shows, music channels, 24 hour news, series, and documentaries to name but a few. So you choose a series and you binge watch. You can easily lose yourself in some of these shows. My wife and I have talked about how some shows with high intensity have the ability to increase anxieties. Not sure that is healthy.
Over the last two weeks I have spent significant time with someone that is experiencing debilitating anxiety. Although she has experienced anxiety in the past this last go around is new for her and left her reeling. She does not understand why this is happening. It is concerning and, of course, those concerns just add to her anxiety.
We talked about what anxiety feels like. When I mentioned to her that a client once compared anxiety to a squirrel she was curious. I challenged her to imagine a squirrel. Very active. Quite noisy. Flits from place to place. Never runs in a straight line. Hops from tree to tree. Quite agile. Can be intrusive. Always on the lookout. Never a dull moment. I wonder, do they ever sleep? I asked her how that compared to her thoughts when she experienced anxiety at its worst. She got it. It made sense to her.
We then talked about the workings of anxiety. She told me how a naturopath had told her that an actual wave of anxiety only lasts 90 seconds. The doctor had told her if it lasted longer it was only because she was “throwing gasoline on the fire”. I thought back to when I started having panic attacks, but didn’t know it, and the explanation made sense.
So the challenge becomes to control our thoughts. We need to tame the squirrel. But how? I have some ideas. It is virtually impossible to push anxious thoughts out of your head. What is much easier is trying really hard to think of happy thoughts. So we have to make room in our heads to store some good thoughts that we quickly use when needed. Take the time to write down a few of the things in life that really make you happy. Then refer back to that list regularly till they are ingrained in your brain. That way they are easily accessible. Perhaps this is easier said than done. But with practice it can work. Trust me. I know. It works for me. Make it a good one.
“Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.” Jodi Picoult
Friday, November 9, 2018
If Only
Technology is a marvelous thing. When I look back to when I worked on the fields as a teenager and compare equipment and technology to today’s it, quite frankly, is mind boggling. What we had back then would be considered archaic in today’s world.
These technological advances have the potential to come with a cost. Financial costs obviously, but it can also take a toll on our mental health. Why? We live with the assumption that having a choice gives us freedom. It does but also comes with some added stress. With the technology available today the onus is on each one of us to make choices that work, that provide for efficiencies, and that add to the bottom line.
As I reflected on the equipment we used on our farm I was also reminded of other choices that producers now have which were not available back in the day. For example there is marketing choice. Farmers can deliver their product to a buyer of their choice. Along with that there are also a myriad of pricing options available. The choices can be overwhelming and yet have had a positive impact on farming. As the numerous and complex options are contemplated various factors play into making decisions. And at times better decisions could have been made and then one becomes spooked and it becomes more difficult to make a decision. Just in case.
Perhaps I have put too much of a negative spin on choices we have. We love choice, right? Yes we do, till we make a wrong choice. Then we are left with thoughts of; if only I had chosen different, if only I had listened, if only I would have known, if only. . . . ! Before the days of choices, if something went wrong, we could blame the world. With multiple and numerous choices, when a wrong choice is made, we blame ourselves.
So it needs to be a learning process, to educate and get better. We must be willing to dust ourselves off, stand up, and try again. Use the understanding and knowledge of the failure to build a foundation from which you can grow and flourish and maintain perspective. The key is not to be spooked by failure but rather to have a willingness to fail again, because if we don’t take risks, if we don’t step outside of our comfort zone, we will not become better. And, most important of all, we must forgive ourselves for the wrong decisions we will invariably make. Without forgiveness we will continue to beat ourselves up which inevitably will lead to more failures.
As we blame ourselves for mistakes a change happens to our thinking and our actions. Our expectations change, not just for ourselves but for others as well. When that happens relationships suffer, stress increases, and conflict ensues.
Take comfort in the fact that we make decisions on the best available information at the time. Very few of the most successful people throughout history did so without making mistakes. When a wrong choice is made we must live with those decisions and learn from them. That way we can keep our focus on the future, a future bright with potential and promise. Make it a good one.
“Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up! Everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks and failures. You don’t come with a book on how to get it right all the time. You will fail sometimes, not because you planned to, but simply because you’re human. Failure is a part of creating a great life.” Les Brown
These technological advances have the potential to come with a cost. Financial costs obviously, but it can also take a toll on our mental health. Why? We live with the assumption that having a choice gives us freedom. It does but also comes with some added stress. With the technology available today the onus is on each one of us to make choices that work, that provide for efficiencies, and that add to the bottom line.
As I reflected on the equipment we used on our farm I was also reminded of other choices that producers now have which were not available back in the day. For example there is marketing choice. Farmers can deliver their product to a buyer of their choice. Along with that there are also a myriad of pricing options available. The choices can be overwhelming and yet have had a positive impact on farming. As the numerous and complex options are contemplated various factors play into making decisions. And at times better decisions could have been made and then one becomes spooked and it becomes more difficult to make a decision. Just in case.
Perhaps I have put too much of a negative spin on choices we have. We love choice, right? Yes we do, till we make a wrong choice. Then we are left with thoughts of; if only I had chosen different, if only I had listened, if only I would have known, if only. . . . ! Before the days of choices, if something went wrong, we could blame the world. With multiple and numerous choices, when a wrong choice is made, we blame ourselves.
So it needs to be a learning process, to educate and get better. We must be willing to dust ourselves off, stand up, and try again. Use the understanding and knowledge of the failure to build a foundation from which you can grow and flourish and maintain perspective. The key is not to be spooked by failure but rather to have a willingness to fail again, because if we don’t take risks, if we don’t step outside of our comfort zone, we will not become better. And, most important of all, we must forgive ourselves for the wrong decisions we will invariably make. Without forgiveness we will continue to beat ourselves up which inevitably will lead to more failures.
As we blame ourselves for mistakes a change happens to our thinking and our actions. Our expectations change, not just for ourselves but for others as well. When that happens relationships suffer, stress increases, and conflict ensues.
Take comfort in the fact that we make decisions on the best available information at the time. Very few of the most successful people throughout history did so without making mistakes. When a wrong choice is made we must live with those decisions and learn from them. That way we can keep our focus on the future, a future bright with potential and promise. Make it a good one.
“Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up! Everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks and failures. You don’t come with a book on how to get it right all the time. You will fail sometimes, not because you planned to, but simply because you’re human. Failure is a part of creating a great life.” Les Brown
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