Talking About It

 There is a certain relief when the end of January rolls around. First of all, it means that we are supposedly over the worst of winter. I know, February and March can be brutal. As an older person I can tell you stories. But I suspect you, along with my kids, just groan when I say that so will leave it alone. But I do have to pay for my golf membership this week so that, at least in my dreams, gets me a little closer.

But more importantly, this week brings about the annual BellLetsTalk day. A really good reminder that we need to talk about it. Just to be clear, and I know most of you know this, when I say talk about it, I mean talk about our mental health.

So as much as I have tried putting on a brave face, things are getting to me. It’s been tough. Obviously, we have the ongoing pandemic. I remain, for all intents and purposes, working from home. And the opinions on all things pandemic are becoming more fractitious than ever. Apparently, that’s not a word but you all know what I mean. We have had copious amounts of snow which I know will be a benefit to anyone that grows crops and enjoys green grass. But it sure is a pain now. And then what about those cold temperatures.

My wife and I were chatting over the weekend. She told me about feeling down, not seeing the kids and grandkids, not getting together with family, and not socializing much. I have a notion she is getting tired of hanging out just with me. And, quite frankly, I am getting tired of hanging out with me too.

I told her that I was feeling down as well. And then I suggested to her that I had been putting on a brave face and trying to fool her into thinking I was doing okay. She gave me a strange look and told me I had not be fooling her at all.

Over the years I have talked on many occasions. I have come to the realization that there are so many out there that listen. So many people that do understand. So many that welcome the opportunity to help. From the neighbor who took the time to ask when I was in my darkest moment. From the friend who listened without judgement. From a wife and partner who never gave up on me. From kids who did care even when I thought I was protecting them from the demons of my inner self. To the countless people who approached me when they realized that I, too, was experiencing what they had felt for years.

There is a certain camaraderie out there. As long as we hide behind a façade of happiness, of contentment, of peace, we never find it. But it is there. And it is so helpful. Thank you to all those that have taken the time to listen to me in the past. Thank you to all who have encouraged without judgement. Thank you to all those that stuck with me even when I stumbled and fell. Thank you to all who continue to care. You have no idea how helpful you have been in my journey. A journey that continues and will continue to the day I die.

So if life is getting you down a bit, if life events have left you reeling, or if your mood is subdued, find someone to talk to. Its okay not to be okay. Its okay to need help. Be kind to yourself and find someone to talk to. It will make life better. Make it a good one.

Talking and Listening

 I ran into an interesting situation this week. I found out that people could not send me emails because my email box was full. In all my years of using emails I had never had that happen before. Turns out that I have been saving too many emails and thus needed to do some purging. As I scrolled through and deleted emails I came across emails I had exchanged two years ago. I noticed a sadness in a few of them. With a sense of dread I quickly understood why.

It was two years ago that two family friends died by suicide. Although I had often thought of the two families impacted by this it seemed to me that I had carried on with life with hardly missing a beat. Reading those emails and reflecting back was a stark reminder of those among us that have been suffering. Many suffering in silence, seeking a way out of those dark moments, moments when life itself is questioned, when the pain seems to overtake and overwhelm.

Ironically enough this stark reminder and reflection happened as we approach the Bell Let’s Talk day. It got me thinking. I thought back to a workshop I facilitated last fall where the topic of suicide was part of the discussion. I thought of the gentleman that got up to share at the end and thanked me for having broached the topic in a candid and forthright manner. He reiterated the importance of talking about suicide and the mental anguish that leads up to that final step. He was thankful because of his own journey but also suggested that the discussion had been helpful to better understand the deaths of some family and friends.

So again I need to stress the importance for talking. First of all it raises the awareness of depression and suicide. As we have all heard there is a stigma attached to mental health issues, a stigma that that needs to be removed so that we can live in a world where people who are fighting the fight have a way to find help, to find a way out from the pain they so often live with.

It is also important that people with mental health issues are reminded that they are not alone. A reminder that there is hope, there is relief. A reminder that talking helps. That talking is the first step for healing and recovery, a first step in the journey out from under the clouds.

For me it is also a reminder to listen. Perhaps you find it difficult to listen when someone else shares about their pain. Sometimes we are quick to jump in, be judgemental, diagnose the problem, or try to “fix” it. There is only one requirement. Listen. Listen. Listen. Through lending an ear you are being supportive, you are showing you care. Through being attentive you are normalizing and validating what the other is feeling. And by listening you are helping the other in their journey, the journey to recovery.

I know from experience that having the ability to verbalize my thoughts is helpful in dealing with the turmoil that often are just out of control thoughts. I have been very fortunate to have family and friends with whom I have been able to share, family and friends that took the time to listen and support me on my journey. So this January 25, as we remind ourselves about all things mental health, make it your goal to not just talk about it but also to listen. Make it a good one.

“The most important thing I found, is to let somebody’s voice be heard”.  Clara Hughes

Happy New Year, Maybe

 Happy new year to you. But is it? A mere ten hours in and I already wanted a restart. Woke up to no hot water. Instant headache and anger and helplessness. A quick flashback to my farming days when these kinds of things would happen at the barn on days when it was most inconvenient. Thank goodness I didn’t make any new year resolution because as sure as “you know what” I would already be done with them. What’s the use? So I just expressed my agitation about the hot water tank to my wife. In a matter of fact way, she just told me that these things never happened when its convenient. She continued by comparing it to people dying. She said that never happens when its convenient. Not sure that was helpful.

Our Christmas was ruined because one of the kids was sick. Went for a rapid test and tested positive. Isolated at home waiting for the results of a PCR test. His test came back negative, but our Christmas was over by then. So we wanted to try again over the new year. (In the future when someone reads what I just wrote they will scratch their heads and wonder what really went on in 2021)

Clearly this new year is no different than the old. I have said this before. We spend a lot of time reflecting on the past year. Social media is rife with people celebrating the coming of the new year. In this time of pandemic there is hope for an end in this new year. But when we wake up on January 1, the only thing that has changed is the date on the calendar. Everything else is the same.

Okay. I know. I sound defeated. Social media is rife with people talking about mental health and the negative effect the pandemic has had on pretty much everyone. Again, it doesn’t matter what your bias may be regarding everything pandemic, the effects on your mental health can be significant.

As these thoughts swirled through my head, I remembered an appointment I had numerous years ago. It too, was when I felt down. As I commiserated with the psychologist, he looked at me and said he was not surprised I was feeling the way I was. He suggested that the work I do, often dealing with negative energy, was having an impact on my mental health. He informed me that it was draining my emotional gas tank.

What exactly is an emotional gas tank? I have mentioned it before. Just like your car needs fuel your emotions need fuel. How about your body? What happens if you don’t eat or don’t eat properly? You get physically tired. You become run down. Your immunity goes down. You are more susceptible to sickness. So, too, your emotional health is directly linked to keeping gas in the tank. When the emotional gas tank runs dry you will find yourself becoming irritable, angry, low patience, no desire to socialize, lack of motivation, always feeling tired, among others. The challenge is to find ways to keep at the very least, some “gas in the tank”.

Clearly my question is, how can I get some gas in the emotional tank? Not easy these days. With the cold weather, working from home, not being able to socialize much, it is a challenge. The key is to find those things that do bring some pleasure. So I spent time together with my kids and grandkids for two days. It was busy, it got loud but for those two days I was able to forget about the cares and worries of life. It did put some gas in the tank. And now I will wait for spring. It is around the corner, right? Make it a good one.

Looking Back

 Do you know that 2022 is pronounced 2020 too? I bet you read that twice. Thinking of the New Year in that way feels somewhat ominous. But, quite frankly, as 2021 ends and the pandemic seems to be surging, I find myself having flashbacks to when it all started in 2020.

So, as per usual, we reflect on the past year and look ahead to the next. I found 2021 to be hopeful at times and other times not so much. Clearly most of our thoughts tend to be focused on the pandemic. By all appearances it controls our lives, regardless of which side of the debate we are on. There were numerous events that happened over the last year which are somewhat muted because of the focus on the pandemic.

Speaking of sides to the debate, perhaps I may have shown a slight bias but, trust me, I have managed to keep my opinions to myself. Through feedback I have been asked whether I have an opinion. Oh, I do. And each day I become a little more opinionated and each day I want to put it out there, but I don’t. Common sense has clearly left the building. See what I did there?

Sorry, I digress. Is it possible to reflect on the last year without referencing the pandemic? I tried but failed. By all appearances my life was controlled by all things pandemic. And as such I think can be classified as the good, the bad and the ugly. So here goes. I will start with the ugly first. That way I can end on a happy note.

It would be easy to say that the pandemic was the ugly but allow me to be more specific. The dynamics of the virus has created all kinds of relational divide, it has caused concern for the health and well being of many, it has caused consternation as people are feeling forced to do one thing or the other, it has brought out conspiracy theories and a host of other issues. Perhaps it has shown us who we really are. And some of that is really ugly.

Furthermore, it has messed with our mental health. There were times, during the year, that I felt hopeless, questioning what the purpose in life was. Due to various unknowns it added to my anxiety levels. At times my mood felt overcast, other times the sun did come out, but I couldn’t feel the warmth. Some of those feelings were quite ugly.

As much as working from home has its benefits, and I will get to that, working from home also comes with its own challenges. So I will refer to those as being bad. I truly miss the connection I had with the people I work with. I miss being able to meet with my clients. Yes, modern technology has at least given us the ability to meet virtually so there is that. But we have lost a certain ability for human connection.

So what could possibly be good after all that? Considering that I have a compromised lung issue I am happy that I have avoided the virus. Because I work from home, I spent less time driving to and fro and spent more time on the golf course. Being an introvert meant that being forced to stay home I didn’t have to attend certain get togethers or meetings that often make me feel uncomfortable. So there is some good there.

There you have it. As I have clearly shown it is impossible to look back without referencing the pandemic. That just simply is our reality. But what I also know is that there are positives. Some, like me, have a tendency to focus on the negative. But its interesting. Just going through this exercise has put just a small smile on my face. I found that, in spite of the pandemic, or should that say because of the pandemic, there were good things that did happen. And I know that can be my reality for 2022 as well. Make it a good one.

Peace on Earth? Maybe

 I suspect that as we approach this holiday season, emotions are scattered all over. For some that is quite natural this time of year. Its dark, its cold, its lonely. For others who find enthusiasm for the upcoming festivities, the emotions are marred by the ongoing pandemic. Not only the continuous pressures of public health orders, the unknown of when this might end but also the divisiveness this has created. Everyone has an opinion and there are those who feel the constant need to voice their opinion regardless of how others feel about it.

So many, at least those who still care, wonder what conversations will be like when friends and family get together. That creates a whole new layer of angst. After all, what purpose is there in getting together to celebrate peace on earth when all that will be created is anything but.

(Mediation Services has launched a webinar on how to have conversations when people are so polarized by a difference of opinion. Not to support one side or the other, but rather how to maintain relationships in spite of the significant differences in opinions. Here is a link if you should be interested. Clicking on this link will give you a brief synopsis of the content. https://www.webinars.mediationserviceswpg.ca/Covid-Conversations-A-Roadmap-To-Existing-Together-With-Opposing-Views )

Lest you all are thinking I have it figured out, I do not. I find that the deeper we get into this pandemic, the closer we get to Christmas, and the more stuff I see on social media, the more I find myself being triggered. It makes me want to lash out. (I used the word “stuff” because the words I am really thinking are not appropriate) Yesterday I suggested to my son I needed to watch the Mediation Services webinar mentioned above. He suggested I might be a lost cause. He’s probably right.

As I spent time reflecting on that, I quickly came to the understanding that life at this point is not easy. Aside from the normal stressors in life, aside from never having enjoyed this time of year, we have the added debacle called a pandemic wreaking havoc with our relationships.

Clearly it will take a concerted effort to make the best of a bad situation. The good news is we have it in us to do just that. I like to post the following poem on Christmas day but felt it might be appropriate to post it a few days early so all of us, but particularly me, can read it and reflect on it in preparation of making this time of family, just that. Make it a good one.

Put your problems on probation
Run your troubles off the track,
Throw your worries out the window
Get the monkeys off your back.
Silence all your inner critics
With your conscience make amends,
And allow yourself some happiness
It's Christmas time again!

Call a truce with those who bother you
Let all the fighting cease,
Give your differences a breather
And declare a time of peace,
Don't let angry feelings taint
The precious time you have to spend,
And allow yourself some happiness
It's Christmas time again!

Like some cool refreshing water
Or a gentle summer breeze,
Like a fresh bouquet of flowers
Or the smell of autumn leaves,
It's a banquet for the spirit
Filled with family, food and friends,
So allow yourself some happiness
It's Christmas time again!
                                Bob Lazzar-Atwood

A Random Act of Kindness

 Its that time of year again. Sure, there are those who started their shopping before the tree came down last year, but many are now feeling the pressure to do their Christmas shopping. It becomes a difficult task to buy things last minute, for someone who probably doesn’t need for much at a time when malls are overrun with people just like you. Doesn’t do much for the holiday spirit.

As I thought about this and my own “bah humbug” attitude, I remembered something that happened in 2010. For that particular Christmas my sister had suggested that in lieu of gifts each of us was to do a random act of kindness and then report on that at our get together. Sounded like a novel idea.

Just prior to that Christmas, my wife and I were in Brandon. Her nephew was playing in a hockey tournament and so that gave us an opportunity to go watch and also spend time with her brother and his wife. Although it was enjoyable, I was not having a good day. And perhaps it was just normal, this time of year does that to me. It was a cold, dreary day and the clouds in my head were just as dark as the clouds in the sky.

On our way home we needed to stop at Sobeys to pick up a few groceries. The line ups were long, and patience was running thin. As the customer in front of us was having her groceries wrung up, I suggested to my wife that we offer to pay for that woman’s groceries. I was hoping she would make the offer but she stepped aside and let me walk through first so I could make the offer. I stepped forward bravely but then lost my nerve. It would create a scene. It could be embarrassing. She would probably think I was some sort of nut case. But then courage took hold, and I made the offer.

Well, to be sure, the reaction was interesting. The cashier had a nervous chuckle and the customer gave me a very weird look. I assured them both that I was quite serious. The woman was flustered and wanted to know why. I suggested that we wanted to do this for her and wished her a Merry Christmas. She made the comment that it was good to see that there were still nice people around. And as she left, she wished us a Merry Christmas as well.

That random act of kindness gave a pleasant surprise to some stranger that evening. What was even more fulfilling was the warm sense of community I felt. It was interesting how long that feeling stayed with me. It helped, at least temporarily, in removing that dark cloud that had been hanging over my head for far too long. And for some strange reason, I think I rediscovered what Christmas was meant to be. And all it cost me was $36.70.

I shared that story with my colleagues. A few days after sharing that one of them said there was an article in the Brandon Sun about what I had done. I just thought I had misunderstood her and didn’t think about it again but then a few days later decided I would see if there was something to what she had said. It turned out to be a letter to the editor that had been published the same day I posted about this on my blogsite. Talk about random. The letter read as follows.

A quick trip to the grocery store late in the afternoon on Saturday, Dec. 4 turned into quite a heartwarming experience for me. I was at Sobeys and was just about to pay for my groceries, when the man who was in line behind me said to the cashier "add that onto mine, please."

Shocked, I turned around and looked at the man with a puzzled look on my face. The cashier and I looked at each other, and then we both looked at the fellow who had just offered to pay for my groceries. I immediately said to him "What? Why would you want to do that? We don't even know each other." Which was true, we were complete strangers.

The man then said to me, with a friendly smile, "I want to, I insist. Merry Christmas!" All I could say was, "Are you serious?" And he said, "Sure I am!" Of course, I politely declined his offer, and told him that it was very kind of him, but not necessary. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He seemed so genuine and sincere and kind, it brought tears to my eyes.

I told him, "There really are some wonderful people in this world." I thanked him from the bottom of my heart, and wished him a very Merry Christmas.

I left the store with a big smile, tears in my eyes, and a warm heart. As soon as I got into my vehicle, I phoned my husband to tell him what had just happened to me! It was an incredibly kind gesture for one stranger to do for another.

After I left the store, I felt guilty. I thought to myself, maybe I should have stuck around to speak to him a little longer, I wish I would have asked him his name. I circled the parking lot, hoping to see him again, but didn't. I don't know why he chose me to be the recipient of his generosity, but it has affected me greatly. I appreciate what he did, although I wish that he would have chosen someone who needed it more than me.

That is why I have decided that I must pay it forward ... and I will. I hope that the man who was in line behind me at Sobeys on Saturday reads this. I haven't stopped thinking about him, or what he did, or why he even did it for that matter. I want to apologize for not asking him his name or waiting for him so we could speak to one another a little longer.

I do want to thank him yet again, and I want him to know how wonderful I think he is, and how his kindness has affected me. I would also like to once again wish him a very Merry Christmas! Without knowing it, a complete stranger has made this Christmas one that I will never forget. Think about how we could all be that person in someone else's Christmas memories.

After the difficulties of the last almost two years and as we plan for whatever this Christmas may bring, we need to find ways of bringing some semblance of sanity to a crazy world. Perhaps it isn’t about spending copious dollars on gifts. Perhaps it’s an effort to bring joy to someone else’s life. Random acts of kindness will do that. Not just for others but for yourself as well. Make it a good one.

40 Years and Counting

 Its interesting how grandkids can really bring a sense of reality with many of the things they say. Just recently my grandson told me I was really old. And from his perspective, I get that.

A few years ago, our neighbors from Wawanesa were at our house for my wife’s birthday. Back in the day, that neighbor and I shared many a chuckle together, told stories and at times commiserated about life. His wife happened to be my grade 7 teacher. As we were chatting, my grandson walked up. I introduced him to these folks and told him that she had been my grade 7 teacher. He got this look of confusion and some horror on his face and asked how she could still alive.

A lot of the thoughts around our age is perspective. Clearly as a grade 7 student my teacher would have been way older than I. However, in later years, as neighbors we were practically the same age.

I fully understand that I am getting older. There are certain, not so subtle, reminders. When I look in the mirror in the morning and see my father looking back at me. When my back goes out more often than I do. When I struggle to stay awake after 8:00 in the evening. When any type of physical exertion leaves me breathless and in pain. I suspect I could list numerous other complaints, but I would rather try to be in denial.

It happens to be our anniversary this week. And if I have done the math correctly, it has been 40 years. That is a lot of years. And nothing brings me back to reality quicker than seeing a picture of my parents on their 40th anniversary. They were old and so I suppose that means I am old as well.

One day this last month I picked my wife up from work. As we were driving home, we were catching up on the day that had been. Suddenly she became rather serious and said she needed to share something with me. Of course, and this comes with age as well, I was concerned. As serious as she seemed I knew the news must be serious as well. She looked at me and said that another boyfriend she had before we met, had died.

Why in the world would that even matter to me? It took a minute and then the truth of the matter hit. That was boyfriend number 4 who had met their demise far too young. So, as you can well imagine, that got me thinking. (I also did wonder how she even knew he had died but am leaving that one alone)

I really wondered how I had dodged the bullet, pun intended. Or have I? Why had the others died? I knew I needed to investigate this further but wasn’t sure I wanted to know the truth. I was much more concerned whether I was still a work in progress for her and if I needed to sleep with one eye open.

As with age, anniversaries and other life events, we are constantly reminded of the fact that we are getting older. But as I am reminded often, getting old beats the alternative. And it does. In a recent conversation with another aging person, we talked about the importance of gratitude, talked about looking forward rather than back. We agreed that there should be less regrets as spending time in regret just sucks the energy out of our emotions and our relationships.

My wife assures me I can rest easy, she is not looking for my early demise. So it is what it is. It has been 40 years. I may be getting older but have so much to be thankful for. Here is looking forward to a few more years of building on the many relationships I am fortunate to have. Make it a good one.