Here we go again. I just checked and it is now going on 5 months since I last posted something on the Recovering Farmer blogpost. When this project began in 2010 I was quite faithful in making sure I wrote something on a weekly basis. That lasted till early 2015 when the writing became more sporadic. I rededicated myself to writing in late 2015 but never seemed to get in the groove. Quite frankly I have missed these weekly musings but never found the intestinal fortitude to really get back at it, in spite of trying on more than one occasion.
Over the years I have had my struggles with finding motivation, whether to work, play, and at times, even to live. I have often slipped into old ways, found ways to make my life much more difficult than it need be. Sure, I have sought the help of professionals, but never seemed to find what I was looking for. And so, as often happens, I would simply keep muddling along, surviving as best I could.
Earlier this year my wife and kids noticed that I was not in a good place and challenged me to seek help. Perhaps their frustrations had got to the point where mine were, convinced that there had to be something out there that could help. In my state of feeling guilt at having put them through this again, I promised I would try. I had tried a psychiatrist, a few psychologists, community mental health workers, a therapist, and even a counsellor. Nothing seemed to work for me. (Note. Not a criticism of these professionals but rather a commentary that different things work for different people or circumstances.)
So in an effort to placate them, as I had literally given up, I agreed to an appointment with a naturopath. As I journeyed to the appointment I just felt that this was another effort in futility. I suspected I would have a chat with the doctor, get some supplements, and be told to eat less of what I was eating and eat more of everything I really did not care for. I even prepared my answers to some questions I just knew the doctor would ask.
I was rather surprised at how the appointment went, not at all like I had envisioned. I call it a game changer. For the first time ever someone connected the dots for me, made sense of everything that had never made sense to me in the past. In the weeks to come I will write more about some of the things we chatted about that resonated with me and helped me connect dots.
I have come to the understanding that I may never be what I would like to be. Perhaps my expectations are too high. I have come to understand that having high expectations can lead to future resentment. Perhaps I have to be more accepting of who I am. Perhaps I am somewhat different than who I think I am or who I would like to be. I have come to understand what truly is going on in my brain. Perhaps I need to focus on working with that understanding. Be more willing to accept who I am.
For years I would attempt to make changes, fool myself into thinking I have overcome, and then slip back into a mindset that never worked in the past. What I have learned is that I must be intentional, intentional in taking care of my body and mind, intentional in how I approach change, intentional in how I address challenges that arise. I want to strive to be intentional in writing because I know that helps me and, in some small way, it may help others. Make it a good one.
“When you find no solution to a problem, it’s probably not a problem to be solved, but a truth to be accepted.” Unknown