Doing the Dance

Over the years, as I have talked about “recovering”, I often allude to the fact that the equanimity piece in recovery has been challenging for me. Just to remind us, equanimity means to have an evenness of temper even when under stress. I seem to always be under stress, whether real or perceived, which leaves me feeling anxious. And I often suggest that my anxiety manifests itself in road rage. Perhaps calling it road rage is overstating it a tad. We have all seen videos of that person whose road rage has taken them over the top, ending in assaults and criminal charges. I am not there, yet.

Over the course of the last eighteen months, I have been working from home and as a result, I have done very little driving. And with all things pandemic I wondered where my equanimity would be at should I find myself driving more.

Well, to be sure, I found out one morning this week. Due to circumstances, I needed to drive my wife to work. No problem. Just a thirty-minute drive on some of the busiest roads around Winnipeg during rush hour. The ultimate test.

So what is up with people following me mere inches from my bumper? Slam on the brakes to no avail. Slow down so they can pass. They slow down but stay right there. Blood pressure rising. Hear a comment from the passenger side about my speed. Look down, don’t see an issue. Why are there two semis driving side by side below the freaking speed limit? Come on, let me by already. And then there’s another driver right on my butt again thinking he needs to get where he is going before me. But I can’t move because of the semis. Give me a break.

Then I was reminded of what someone once told me. They suggested that driving was like dancing on a crowded dance floor. You move with the flow. Sometimes you move in front of others and at times you let others by. But keep listening to the music and enjoy the dance.

Well, let me tell you. As a young Mennonite it was a sin to dance. As I got older, I needed liquid courage to dance and found out quickly that I have two left feet. And after taking some dance lessons there seemed to be mutual agreement in this household that, perhaps, dancing wasn’t necessary. Or was that only me thinking that? I am sure I will find out when she reads this. Whatever the case, trying to improve my thoughts about other drivers by comparing it to dancing was not working.

As I ventured home it hit me. I was particularly impatient, seemingly in a rush to get home. A rush to get back to my office to do what? So I changed my thinking. I looked at my travels as an opportunity to face another day of “virtual” everything by taking a deep breath, cranking up the radio and enjoying the solitude of my ride. It was rather interesting how quickly the antics of other drivers just simply didn’t matter.

You see, I seem to have this attitude that when you drive faster than 110 you’re an idiot and when you drive slower than 110 you’re an idiot. And maybe, just maybe, I am the idiot. Whatever the case, its clear my recovery is still a work in progress. I need to work on this. Now if everyone would just get out of my way it would be a lot easier. Just saying. Make it a good one.