The Art of Listening

Just last month we were again reminded to talk about it through the Bell “Let’s Talk” campaign. As I think back to topics I have touched on over the years the subject of talking has come up frequently. I am a huge proponent of talking about it when we feel “off”. I know the significant help that has been for me.

Recently I received a call from a woman who was carrying a family secret with her that she found quite burdensome. She needed to talk about it and as a result of hearing about my presentation at Agdays she felt she could trust me. She talked, I listened. The secret she had thought would go to the grave with her had caused significant pain for her. So I listened. The stuff she talked about was not something I have any expertise in but I was able to validate and acknowledge the hurt she felt. When I hung up after the call I felt that I had failed her. I felt I should have said more. Perhaps offer some answers. I received an email from her a week later where she thanked me for taking the time. She expressed how much better she felt, how she felt that a huge burden had been lifted.

I went back to school this week. Not as a student but as a teacher. I talked to a group of students in the Ag department at the University of Manitoba. They are learning all about succession planning and wanted information on starting a conversation with their parents on succession, and when that conversation has started how to keep the process moving.

A significant part of my presentation dealt with listening. I know for myself I often think that when I am involved in a conversation I must talk. And that can mess up a conversation real quick. So often I find myself formulating my next thought or response while the other person is talking to me. Well, guess what. That would probably suggest I was not listening.

As I suggested to the students, effective communicators listen more than they talk. And just because I listen closely when someone else talks does not mean I agree. Rather it’s a matter of gaining understanding. We must turn from judgement to curiosity. It is interesting how gaining understanding empowers both parties to express feelings, to share wants, needs, and desires. It helps in achieving a collaborative approach for a win-win outcome.

Dr. Ralph Roughten has written some good thoughts on listening. Let me share a few of them.

“When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice
you have not done what I have asked.”

“When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me
why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on
my feelings.”

“Listen! All I asked was that you listen,
Not talk or do - just hear me.”

Listening more effectively is an art. It can be very difficult because of our sense that we should be responding. We should be providing advice or answers. But as with the woman who called me she did not need answers. She did not need advice. She needed a listening ear with a touch of validation and acknowledgement. So simple, yet so difficult. Listen more, understand more, love more. Make it a good one.

“The biggest communication problem is we don’t listen to understand, we listen to reply.”
Unknown

Regular Maintenance

Anyone that owns a car knows that regular maintenance is important. Okay. Let me rephrase that. Most people understand this. For some reason I don’t fall into that category. I will remember to gas up the car when needed. I occasionally get the oil changed. That is about the extent of my maintenance. I have a dreaded fear of garages because I know it will always cost a lot of money. Call it what you may. Denial or avoidance.


As human beings living our lives we also need to be cognizant of regular maintenance. I would suggest that applies to our physical bodies but also to our mental and emotional well-being. That comes easier for some than others, depending on our tolerance to what life throws our way. I have referred to our emotional gas tank in the past. What does it take to keep it full? Sometimes as simple as a few minutes of meditation, a day of relaxation, a week of vacation, or various other ways and means to get rid of stress or negative energy that we ingest on a regular basis. Simply put, we need ways to find a life balance. But for some of us it sometimes requires more. A professional that can guide us back to a path of contentment.

Shortly after the start of 2016 I found myself sliding down a slope I did not want to be on. Things did not feel right. I had memories of the same thing happening last year and it scared me. I did not want to go back there. So the decision was made to seek help.

I had my first appointment last week. Had an interesting conversation with the therapist. She wanted to get to know me, find out about my life, to help her identify where I needed fixing. Although it was a short conversation I identified things in my life that had shaped who I was that I had not really been aware of before. Certainly got me thinking.

After a while she asked me what it was that I really wanted from her. I suspect the question came because she found out what type of work I do and the training I have had. I think she probably felt that I was well aware of what I needed. And I probably was. Perhaps I just needed someone to whom I could verbalize many of my thoughts, my fears, my wants and desires. Someone I could trust and feel safe in sharing with.

I suggested to her that first and foremost I needed to take control of my mind, my stinking thinking as it were. She responded rather quickly that she had an easy trick for that. Her answer almost discouraged me. I had heard of so many things in the past which just never seemed to work for me. I knew I was guilty of giving up to easily. And yet, I was ready to try almost anything.

She asked me to close my eyes and think of something, anything. She then said I should think about that till she clapped her hands and then I was to drop my tongue. Sounds weird, I know, but hear me out. We did that once. She asked me what I noticed. Quite frankly I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to notice. So we did it again. And after I had dropped my tongue and opened my eyes I got it. When I dropped my tongue my mind went clear. No longer was I thinking about what I had been thinking about. It worked.

Next time you are deep in thought about an issue take note of where your tongue is. You will find it is firmly placed against the roof of your mouth. She explained to me that research has shown that when you drop your tongue it is virtually impossible to think clearly about anything. I have tried it countless times since and like I say it works for me. Perhaps this is something that can work for you as well. Try it. Make it a good one.

“When you change the way you think, you can change the way you feel.”
David Burns

I Am Strong, Or Am I

I often wonder how strong I really am. And I don’t mean physically. I know I am not strong physically. I am talking mentally and emotionally. Seems over the years I have resorted to various unhealthy forms of coping when life seemed overwhelming. That in itself would suggest that I am not very strong. I have certain weaknesses.

Just recently I saw a poster that said “what does not kill you makes you stronger”. I thought about that. At first blush it made sense. After all we all have challenges in life. We have experiences that we would rather not have. Most of us have experienced some type of trauma. And often times we learn from these experiences, we grow, we do become stronger. But not always.

I know that not all life events that don’t kill us make us stronger. Some events, some experiences, some trauma will test the very core of our strength and will leave us weakened. Granted, all of us have different tolerance levels for handling stress and adversity. And when we get knee-capped by something that weakens us we must find ways to recover and heal. That becomes the true test.

I chatted with an elderly lady this week who has shown amazing strength and resilience through adversity and pain. As we addressed her latest challenge I made a comment about that strength. She looked at me with a weary gaze and said she was getting tired of being strong. Ongoing challenges, pain, and frustration had left her tired.

So whether we experience something that leaves us vulnerable or whether ongoing adversity leaves us weary the challenge is to be aware. Be aware of changes to your body, to your mind and to your emotions. Be aware when life is challenging you. Recognize the symptoms. As I have said before there is hope and there I relief. I read a poem this week which encouraged me. Hopefully it can encourage you as well. Make it a good one.

Never Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit –
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
John Greenleaf Whittier*

*John Greenleaf Whittier was an advocate for the abolition of slavery in the 1800 who had his own journey with mental illness.

We Talked

Here we are again. That time of year. Talk time. How time flies, at least for some of us. Others often watch the clock and wonder, when can I sleep again, when will it be dark again, when will I find some relief from the endless cycle of thoughts running through my mind. In a situation such as that, time does not fly. It seems to stand still. But wait a minute. I wanted the darkness to stay to protect from what is out there. Now the darkness is gone but I want it back. But no, I prefer light. With light there is hope. But with light there is reality. And far too often reality sucks.

So let’s talk about it. I met someone last week and, in the course of our conversation, I heard an interesting story. A story I was familiar with but, at the same time, was not. Many years ago, and based on simple math, 45 years ago, there was a death by suicide in our community. It was shocking, to say the least. And as I reflect on that I am deeply saddened. Always wondering why? What happened? What could the community have done? Perhaps if someone, anyone, would have talked about it, a considerable amount of heartache could have been avoided.

That was 45 years ago. And as I take note of the annual “let’s talk” initiative by Bell Canada I wonder. What has changed? Sure, we do talk about it. Yes, we understand that there is a stigma. But what has changed?

Back to who I met last week. I saw him approach. It had been a few years. The first thing he did was apologize to me. Apologize for not being the support he could have been, might have been, should have been, when I was experiencing dark times in my life. I was rather taken aback by that apology. Totally not warranted and not expected. How could he have known? I hid it well. I had a good conversation with him about what was, what could have been, and what really is. We laughed, we talked, and we were sad.

We talked about his brother. The brother he found dead 45 years ago. A brother who was trying to escape from inexplicable pain. The friend I was chatting with was 9 at the time, I would have been 11 and his brother would have been 13. A picture he will never, ever forget. I told him how I often thought of the events of that day 45 years ago. After all I passed their farm every time I left home. They were on the main route between me and the highways and byways. Perhaps my recollection was off but the story remains the same. We reminisced. It felt good. We caught up. It left a feeling of sadness.

It made me think. Here he was apologizing to me when so many years ago he went through something, god forbid, no one should go through. There is so much pain, for so many when a suicide happens. Most times the only one who escapes the pain is the one that died.

I was young back in the day when this person’s life ended. I was not young last year when I attended two funerals of people who had died by suicide. In those 45 years have things changed? Here is hoping. The world keeps turning. Life keeps happening. I know talking helps. It has helped me and keeps helping me. Has it helped enough? Can I do more? Do I sound frustrated? I think I am. Make it a good one.

“The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.”

Without Remedy

I have alluded to, in the past, about preparing a presentation for Agdays. Those that have not heard of that show it is an annual event held in Brandon. It is huge. Anyone that has ever been at the Keystone Center knows how big it is. And they use every available nook and cranny to host the 500 exhibitors they get. And there are another 80 on a waiting list. And that is what the 40,000 attendees get to see. So needless to say it is a show.

The night prior to my presentation I awoke at the friendly hour of 2 am. Kept thinking about what I was going to say. For some strange reason this presentation was bothering me. Not sure why. Perhaps because I had heard numerous presentations on my morning treadmill routine. Perhaps I had researched how to do effective presentations. Perhaps it was because there is fine line between to many and too few PowerPoint slides. Maybe I had too much information.

Needless to say, I did what I needed to do. And did not feel good about it. I had too much information. And when half way through I came to that realization I began skipping stuff. And then it became a challenge of syncing the PowerPoint with my notes with what I felt was important to say.

Part of the challenges I spoke about was the problem many of us have in getting hung up about the past. To the point of not even recognizing what is in the present and the opportunities for the future. I like the analogy of driving a car. Looking in the rear-view mirror, which is approximately 6 inches square, or through the windshield which is much larger. Obviously we have a much better view looking forward as compared to looking back. (Still working on the little message written on the mirror, “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”.)

It was Lady Macbeth that said “Things without all remedy should be without regard: what's done, is done”. Considering the fact that she was trying to placate her husband for his remorseful feelings for murdering others this may not be applicable. And yet, what is done is done. And for me there is no remedy. What can I do? I cannot undo what I did. What I can do is to reflect and grow from that. I know full well what I will do next time. Forget about second guessing my abilities, which some of you know I was doing, and learn from this experience.

There is a second part to this story. Late that evening, after having had a nap, I happened to go on Facebook. The timing was surreal. Just as I clicked on, my cousin posted a post about having heard me and how good it had been. I appreciated that. Made me think. Remember the Cuddle Hormone? Gave me a good dose of Oxytocin. When she said what she did I felt much better and had a better sleep after that. Thanks to her.

So I suppose that is what we do. We beat up on ourselves. We wish we could undo what we have done. And that is normal. All of us fail at times. We are human. But look at the good things in our lives. See your supports all around you. We can and we will make this journey. Lady Macbeth’s words maybe odd, coming from someone who co-conspired. However they hold a significant truth. There is no changing the past. What is done is done. Make it a good one.

Things without all remedy should be without regard: what's done, is done”.
Lady Macbeth

Greater Expectations

As years go by we find ourselves with an increasing amount of choice. Life used to be simple but over time has become much more complicated. The increase in technology is mind boggling. I know I can’t keep up. Saw a cartoon today where a person is shopping for a cellphone and asks for one that does very little. Those are no longer available. What we get is these little hand held devices that do way more than one can imagine. So we need to choose. That is just the telephone. Just the other day I suggested to my wife that I needed a “smart” TV. What is wrong with the 40 some inch TV we have now? Not big enough and not smart enough? Remember the 12 inch black and white I used to have? And my kids were the remote control? Go figure. How about all the other toys, tools and necessities of life? Endless options.

As I prepare my presentation for Agdays and reflect on farming my head literally spins. The choices for farmers are endless. What technology do I want and/or need? What do I produce this year? Not only a choice of crop but what variety. Where and when do I sell? Do I forward price or go with the open market? Who will finance my needs? What equipment needs to be repaired or replaced? We seem to have this inherent need for choice. We have fooled ourselves into thinking that the more choice we have the more freedom we have. And perhaps we have more freedom. Often times that freedom comes with a price.

There is a proponent to choice that often passes us by. Back in the day when a “bag” phone or the Motorola brick were the only phones available we bought in. It was simple. And when that phone did not work the way we wanted, when a call was dropped because we were driving into a valley, when reception was not available because of the building we were in, we cursed the phone or the service. It was that simple.

Now we wonder if we made the right choice. Perhaps I should have gone with Rogers. Maybe the Samsung would be better than the Iphone. Then again the Blackberry always served me well. With choice comes a reflection on ourselves. If we make the wrong choice we kick ourselves. We get mad. Not at the phone or the service, but at ourselves. This takes a toll on our mental and emotional well-being.

I use the cellphone as a small, dare I say miniscule, example of what can happen. Whether we choose the right phone for the right reason becomes a minor point in life. However if we make choices that impact our bottom line, impact our life, impact our future, we become emotionally attached to the decision we made at any given time.

So we must tread gently. Yes, without a doubt, choice gives us freedom. With freedom comes success. Success that doesn’t come from making all the right decisions. Success that comes from learning from our mistakes. Success that comes from struggles we have as we navigate this thing called life. Everybody wants to have success but not everyone is willing to go through the tough decisions, the conversations, the consequences of making those decisions. So we need to adapt. Live with what we get. Enjoy our successes and learn from our failures. Make it a good one.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew." Saint Francis de Sales (1567 - 1622)

Does It Define You

Another year has come and gone. And as years go it seems like this one went just a little quicker than the one before which went just a little quicker than the one before it, that went a little quicker than the one before, etc, etc. Is this a sign of aging? Must be. How else can one explain the passage of time?

Imagine, if you will, sitting with a complete stranger and that person asking you about you. Who you are. What your year was all about. What would our answer be? In this time of welcoming a new year, I have heard various responses to that question. They range from thoughts of the old year to wishes for the new. I have been struck by how many refer back to a difficult experience. My father died. I went through significant health struggles. My child endured a difficult time. My spouse had this, my partner had that, my job was this, my kid had that. It seemed that most people identified the past with a problem they had experienced.

As I reflect on the year past I recognize certain points. I am saddened by how most, if not all, of those points were low points in my year. Experiences I wish I had never had but experiences nonetheless. As alluded to previously my mental health was not what it should have been. I experienced some work issues I wish I never had. There were certain relational issues that hurt. Experiences that have left scars. Experiences that still make me wonder why.

It is easy to dwell on those events. It comes rather naturally to lament about what might have been. But to what end? Is that what my identity is? Do I allow these experiences to define me? The answer apparently is, yes. That is what consumes me. That is who I seem to think I was.
When I reflect further I recognize many positive moments in 2015. New opportunities. Enhanced relationships. A golf game that ended on a positive note. An increased joy in family. I found myself not dreading winters as per usual. The winter solstice did not have the normal attention that it has had in the past. End of year happened without additional anxiety. There were so many positives that I could focus on.

That made me wonder why our natural response seems to be the negatives that we experienced over the year. Why is it that, in response to the question above, our response seems to be a description of negative events or things that might have been?

Imagine, if you will, responding to the question by talking about how great the year had been. Opportunities that came about. Successes you experienced. I know my response should that happen to me. I would question the person’s sanity. Wonder what they had been smoking. Wondering whether pot had been legalized and I missed it.

It seems that we have been wired to talk about negatives to the point of being defined by experiences we would like to forget and yet keep bringing up. Sounds like a conundrum to me. We talk about negatives as much as we try to be positive but don’t want others to think that we are actually happy with life because then they might get the wrong idea. There is something really wrong with this picture.

So here I go with the new me. Life is great. I think something bad happened last week but I can’t remember because everything else has been going so well since then. Okay. That really is a load of crap. But me thinks if I could think that way would really improve my life. I like the quote below. Don’t know who said it but am going with it. Happy New Years. Make it a good one.

“There are none so blind as those who believe their own nonsense.”