I Will Live

I sent my wife an email this week suggesting that I would live. You see, I just finished my follow-up appointment with the doctor. The one I had mentioned previously. Seems I was rather concerned about it. As I sat and waited in the waiting room, funny they should call it that. Think about it. Waiting room? That is what I did. I waited. Although I will be the first to admit that the wait was not very long. I have endured much worse. As I waited I was convinced that my life would be irrevocably changed. It would be a matter of making final arrangements. I just knew that my life was catching up to me. Mind you, my life catching up to me? Should not be difficult. I have slowed down some.

When I sent my wife that note I was excited. I had a reprieve. Life was going to carry on. Although I will admit there was one little blip. My lungs. Happens they are too large. Should help in a marathon, or relay, me thinks. The doctor tells me different. Blames it on smoking. Okay. I admit it. I have enjoyed an occasional smoke in my life. Still wish it wasn’t unhealthy. There is something to be said about that. The feeling of that first drag in the morning. Right after some coffee. Wow. Feels good. Wait a minute. NO. Should not go there. I tried to suggest to the doctor it was because of being a farmer. He was not convinced.

So her question? How long???? I sensed some disappointment in that question. Obviously because I can sense emotions, even in a text message or email. That is part of my job. Being able to read people. See what they are thinking. That in itself is a scary thought.

My response to her was that it appeared I had an opportunity to live as long as I wanted to. Again, her response was, shall we say, different than I had expected. She suggested it was a good thing that it was up to me. Oh oh. Seems we have a problem. Do I need to sleep with one eye open?

Seriously, I found it interesting how this appointment seemed to bother me. Unconsciously. Not that I thought about it a lot. But it was there. Beneath the surface. The night before the appointment I seemed to be more uptight, more emotional than usual. That morning I had difficulty eating my breakfast. And, as happens far to often my worrying was for naught. What a profound sense of relief when I left the clinic.

Strange how events or things affect us differently. As I think back to that experience I realize this is a regular occurrence in my life. Find myself uptight. Think about it. Recognize why. And then have a melt down. No. Just kidding. I come to the realization that the day, the meeting, the appointment, the moment, may be difficult. That is when I need to utilize my coping skills. Like I told the doctor. I understand and “GET” what is going on. It becomes a matter of coping. Dealing with it.

The first option is always medication. Use this pill. How about that one. Those side effects will do this. The other ones will do that. Who knows? You have to try before you can be sure. Sounds scary. There must be other ways.

There is hope. The doctor tells me that for my lung issue and my mental health concerns I need regular exercise. OK. I can do that. Just put my mind to it. Here goes for a healthier life style. Make it a good one.