The Recovering Farmer

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Diary of a Manitoban

Someone sent me the story below. I think it says it all. My apologies for any language that might offend. Then again, maybe not. Enjoy.

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first
snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our

December 14: Snow, lovely
snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came
back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the
ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I
had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was
right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell
today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45
minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today,
and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the
house this morning. What, is she nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I
think she's lying.

December 24: 6".
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a
heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow,
I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my
broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me
to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the
!=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She is really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above
-50. Still snowed in. The WIFE is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now
suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but
also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: I set fire to
what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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