Can We All Just Get Along

With everything that has been going on pandemic wise, our society is becoming more and more fractured. As case counts grow and further public health measures are implemented tensions increase. We are past the point of a brewing conflict and have reached the point of significant visceral outrage and outcry. And that is not limited to one side of the debate but is coming from all directions.

And it is not limited to just issues around the pandemic. Much of what I observe has been around since, forever. I mean really, if memory serves me right Cain and Abel had a dispute that saw Abel meet his demise. All because God favored Abel’s sacrifice over Cain’s. I know, I am making it sound trivial. I would imagine that anyone who feels slighted by God when they are trying their best would be rather perturbed. Although I do sense even today that there are those who feel they know who and what God would favor most. Its particularly interesting when both sides of a debate claim God’s direction. And although I might have an opinion on that I am leaving it alone.

I suppose I shouldn’t complain about conflict. After all I make my living by helping others resolve conflict. And as I have seen countless times, the longer that parties are embroiled in conflict the more difficult it becomes to find resolution. I used to be quite naïve and think that any and all conflicts should be resolvable. But I have found through time that that may not always be the case.

People have a tendency to become entrenched in their ideas and opinions. And as such they will stand on their point to their dying day. We see that all around us. Most obvious now is the vaccine debate. I saw it recently in an email discussion on theology. We just had an election where I saw more than enough of that. We can add to that list with climate change, indigenous reconciliation, and numerous other social issues. We even see it in our relationships. (My wife and I are planning some renovations so trust me. I know what I am speaking about.)

I read recently that when something happens to us, we construct a narrative to explain that something, to help make sense of it. As the author says, “Our narratives are sticky, clinging to our minds and hanging to our identities like tight, wet clothes. We carry them with us and define ourselves by them”. He goes on to suggest that we have a tendency then to seek other like-minded people to match our own narratives. They become our friends and allies. And anyone that dares contradict that narrative is clearly evil. (The book is called Everything is F**ked by Mark Manson. Although some of the language might be offensive it has some really good thoughts that help me understand life just a little better.)

Often reality can be so complex that equally valid observations from differing perspectives can appear contradictory. When that happens, we tend to become defensive, which happens when we are presented with an unbearable idea, an idea that does not fit our narrative. Defensiveness is a behavioral response to a perceived threat or attack to one’s face or self-esteem, so we want to save face. And to save face we push back.

Although there are no easy answers let me leave you with one thought. As long as we believe that the “other” side is evil we will not make any progress in resolving anything. As a golfing buddy suggested on the golf course this week; “Can we all just get along”. We must remember that “Relationships provide us with identity, purpose and direction. In essence, relationships and therefore community is a life giving, life defining, life nurturing process.” Make it a good one.