Those Sleepless Nights

I have alluded to the fact that my anxiety levels have been somewhat over the top in the last number of weeks. At the same time I have also suggested reasons for that. The good news is that things are improving. In the last few nights I have been able to sleep better. What has changed? A less hectic life perhaps. Then again when that happens I get stressed out because I am not busy enough. Can’t seem to win in this game called life.

Let me tell you a story. For a number of weeks I have been awake for two hours a night. Happens after I have slept well for approximately four hours, give or take five minutes. Honestly. When my eyes open, and quite frankly they don’t just open they pop open, I can tell what time it is because that is the usual pattern. As a matter of fact, when I go to sleep I know exactly what time I will awake and I know exactly how long I will be awake. Weird situation, to say the least.

Last week, as I was reaching the end of my two hour lying awake worrying about life, I heard a phone ring. Really. It took me awhile to establish whether that actually had happened. Then I heard it again. At least I thought I did. Because I was awake I thought I would go check. My wife must have been monitoring the situation because as I got up she asked me where I was going. That came as a surprise because I could have sworn she was snoring. I told her I had heard the phone ring and exited quickly before she could question my sanity. Notice how I made that decision without realizing that at some point I would be going back to bed and knowing that I would have to answer for what I had just said?

I did get a phone call at 2:18 that morning. I did have a voice mail. I listened and realized the caller was not in jeopardy. He was awake, just like me. I took some comfort in that. Not sure why. However I realized, again, that there are others that experience the same type of issues that I do. That gave me a sense of comfort. I was not alone.

What is it that makes us feel better when we hear of others that are facing challenges? I certainly do not wish sleepless nights on anyone. They really are no fun. Perhaps it is that when anxiety, worries, dare I say melancholy, hits us we feel we are alone. We lose the ability to see, to recognize, and to understand that our problems are no more or no less than what many others are experiencing. We feel lost in the quagmire of shame, self-pity, anger, resentment, or, perhaps, self-righteous indignation that can hit us at any time, day or night.

I did not respond to the voice mail that night. After all it was time for me to get my beauty sleep. I know, that ship has sailed. When I did crawl back into bed that night my wife asked whether there had actually been a phone call or whether the ringing was in my head. Notice how she is right on side with my issues? She had not heard the ringing telephone. However, it was there, I heard it, and I felt a level of comfort knowing someone else was passing the time. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

That is what we do. We hope for a better tomorrow. And sometimes tomorrow is better. Other times not so much. In the meantime know you are not alone. There are countless others that are looking for answers. Looking for that restful sleep. But also realize and understand that there is hope. Work at it. Don’t give up. And by the way, I did return the phone call. Just not that night. Make it a good one.

Being Real

I had the opportunity to meet with an amazing group of people today. Some who I have known for a while, some who were my mediation trainers’ way back when, and some total strangers. All we had in common was the work we do. Conflict resolution.

A significant amount of time was spent in discussing vulnerability. How should we show vulnerability? How do we show vulnerability? Does it have a place in the work we do? Part of the morning included a video on Ted Talks. My son downloaded that app on my IPhone shortly after I got it. He enjoyed many of those, dare I say, podcasts. He felt they were worthwhile. Me being of little faith, and questioning the soundness of mind and body, had never taken advantage of that. Today I realized I must pursue those Ted Talks more often.

The one we watched was by Brene Brown. It covered vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. A lot of information to ingest and digest in twenty minutes. I felt myself agreeing with her on so many points. When she spoke about having revealed her own struggles in life, particularly as it concerns vulnerability, I had an ahha moment. I recalled when I started talking about personal issues. Talking about experiences I had. Opening myself to the shame that was sure to follow.

As I started down this path of openly sharing many of my challenges I realized, again and again, my shame was only a perception. What actually happened was that people, many who I had known for years, came forward and talked of their own experiences. Experiences that included anxiety, depression, and various other mental health challenges we experience. It literally opened a floodgate. So as much as I initially felt shame, I quickly came to an understanding of challenges many of us have. I came to the realization that I did not need to feel shame. I was not alone. It gave me a sense of comfort.

As we debriefed the video this morning I shared the struggles I have with the whole question of vulnerability. Do I share with clients that I have had, and continue to have, significant challenges? Do I share with a colleague when I feel uncomfortable or vulnerable? Can my vulnerability actually help others or should I leave it be?

Just in the last week or two a friend and colleague shared with me that they would like a better understanding of the way I opened up and talked about my vulnerabilities. I chuckled when I first read that email. It was a nervous chuckle. Why? Because I continuously feel that I am living a lie. I am out there trying to help people overcome conflict, interpersonal or intrapersonal. At the same time I am dealing with my own conflicts.

This morning, in a small group, one participant suggested “being real”. That resonated with me. When I do my job I need to be real. I have had many life experiences that help me in the work I do. I recall more than one person expressing the thought that had I not experienced my own journey I could not do the work I am doing. That means that I have stories to share. That means I can better understand. That means that I can have empathy for the people I deal with. I continue to experience life. I continue to deal with a variety of challenges. And channeled in the right way I can use those experiences, those challenges, to better help others. Be real. It helps me. It helps you. It helps others. Make it a good one.

The Fear of the Unknown

What is it that scares us most? Something we know will happen? Something we think may happen? Or something that we have nightmares about? Something that in all likely hood will never happen? Often times that becomes the question. What happens that we lay awake at night feeling anxious? What is it that fills us with a sense of doom when we travel on the highway? What is it that when we are feeling happy about our circumstances we have this dread of something bad happening?

For example. Sitting here the day after the September equinox, no clue what that means, but thinking about what it might mean. What I do know is the weather is fantastic. Leaves are turning color. We know fall is in the air. What we don’t know is what is to follow. The Farmer’s Almanac calls for a worse than normal winter. Excuse me. Did we not have that last winter? Will it be worse? Can it be? How can I deal with that? I keep reassuring myself that our day to day forecast is inaccurate. How can someone tell us that the winter will be worse than ever?

But what happens? We plan on lots of snow. Should I get winter tires? It will be horrible. Do I need a snow blower? The questions fly and before you know it you have conjured up a vision of snow falling and blowing. The windows are opaque from the extreme cold. Or is that because of snow drifts? Not sure. How will I survive? Help. I can’t take this anymore.

Then I take a deep breath and look out my window and realize that I have grass to mow. Some weed eating that needs to be done. A tee time in a few hours. Where did that panic come from? It came from runaway thoughts. Thoughts out of control.

Last night, as I lay awake, as I have far too often lately, I was intrigued by some of the thoughts I was having. Thoughts of a conflict I was involved in thirty years ago. A conflict that came and went. In fact, if memory serves me right, it was dealt with at the time. Then I thought further to other events that happened during that time. I became upset. Those thoughts led to others. It did not take long and I was ready to confront someone.

Then I realized that these experiences have come and gone. Most of the stuff I was upset about had either been dealt with or actually never happened. Why was I now losing sleep over this? Does this mean I have underlying issues that I need to deal with? Do I need help? Do I need counselling? Oh my God. I am so screwed.

I stopped myself. I realized my thoughts were out of control. I tried to find my happy place. You know where that is. The golf course. Even that did not work. Not sure why.

Then I thought back to my last month. My one and only daughter got married. We went on a trip to the east coast. We came back to plan a Manitoba reception for our daughter and her husband. My mother died. Had a funeral. Back to planning a happy event. No wonder my mind is in overdrive. It is just trying to keep up to my hectic life.

So the choice is mine. I can bury my head and stew about all the bad things that are about to happen to me or think will happen to me. Or I can look out the window, enjoy what the day has to offer, and actually worry about the unknown when it happens. Who knows, it may not. Make it a good one.

Honestly

Forgive my minor little rant here. I am frustrated. Actually I am mad. Because I did not have many meetings planned for this week I have been able to take advantage of having to deal with my mother’s estate. That involves a lot of phone calls. Particularly government agencies. With OAS and CPP and GST and numerous other acronyms that basically stand for; “you pay in and get didly squat back”, you make the calls and hope everything works out.

Quite frankly pulling up to a Timmies drive through these days is almost as painful.

“Hello, my name is blah blah blah. Would you like a breakfast sandwich this morning?”

“I would like a medium black coffee please”

“Could I interest you in a cookie?”

“NO, if I wanted a cookie I would have ordered a cookie. I want an effing medium black coffee.”

So you dial a government agency. It takes approximately 13 minutes to get to the prompt you need. Please press 1 to talk English. Okay. Now you go through a menu of choices. HELP. I get impatient. Hit the wrong button. Start all over. Please give me a person to talk to. Then you finally do get through and wait a minute. . . what country am I talking to? Sorry. Go figure.

Get through to OAS and CPP. Kind, understanding people. Express their condolences. Really helpful in what I need to do. Then I made the mistake of calling GST. Like honestly. CRA includes OAS, CPP, and GST. Why is this complicated? Does the left hand not know what the right hand is doing? That was a rhetorical question.

After a conversation with them that was enough to push me over the edge I hung up on them. The demands, now that I think back, were rather humorous. They needed a copy of the will. EXCUSE ME. Why? You think you might be beneficiary? Not likely. And while you are at it how much money are you actually sending my mother? Gosh, must be close to $43.67 every 3 months. So what do you need?

My apologies. Just got carried away for abit. I hung up on them. Their choice. Keep sending the cheques. At some point they will probably realize that this person has passed on. Cheques are not being cashed. Perhaps it will involve an investigation. I wish them well. Then again it makes me wonder how many cheques are sent out regularly to dead people. Don’t get me going on that. I know. There are some people paid by government that . . . . oh, never mind.

Thank God the weather has turned for this week. Giving me the opportunity to go out and hit some golf balls. It is amazing what a walk does. Sun warming the back. Good company. Hitting the ball well. As one golf partner said the other day, golfing can be good for the soul. It can be. But it is important to let go of the cares of the world just for a while. Enjoy the sun. Enjoy the company. Because as sure as night follows day the snow will soon fly and then we will wish we had taken advantage of nicer weather. In the meantime I will put you on hold. Just for a minute. Hope you enjoy the music. For quicker service please press 12. Make it a good one.

The Rollercoaster

I came across a news article today about the world’s tallest rollercoaster catching fire and collapsing. I never have been a rollercoaster fan. If I want that adrenaline rush I just turn or nod my head really fast. Provides for the same uncomfortable feeling. In days of old I could get the same feeling from drinking too much.

However, I find my life being similar to a rollercoaster. Ups and downs. Never sure what is waiting around the corner or over the next hill. But that is life. Those are adaptations we need to make. But, and I don’t like using that word because I have been taught it is a verbal eraser, sometimes adapting is difficult.

Three weeks ago we were celebrating our daughter’s wedding out east. I can’t say enough of the fun we had. Getting together with friends and family. Meeting new people. Re-establishing relationships that have been building over the years as we got to re-acquaint ourselves with our son-in-law’s family and friends.

Then, as you know, we came back to my mother being in the hospital, not doing well. She did pass on. That took me from on top of the coaster to the bottom. Though not unexpected it still takes its toll and thrusts you into another world where nothing seems right. Everything is out of balance. So the funeral needs to be planned and a home cleaned up. A flurry of activity that leaves very little time for reflection. Perhaps that can come now.

As a side note. Although the rollercoaster hit bottom there were certain things that helped with keeping perspective. The support shown by many was incredible. Flowers when you least expected them. Phone calls just to show support. Emails from friends. People stepping forward to help. Quite frankly, renewed my faith in people.

Now that the smoke has settled on that we need to get back to planning a wedding social taking place in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that although we know it will be a pile of work. Also knowing that if all goes well I will be back on top of the rollercoaster.

I suppose that is simply a commentary on life. We have our ups and downs. Occasionally the ups take us higher than we expected which is a good thing. Occasionally the lows take us lower than we would like to go. Lower than we feel comfortable. Unfortunately we are on a ride that does not always allow us to get on or off. We need to go with the flow.

And as is often the case life does not allow us the luxury of deciding on which ride we are on. I recall many years ago going on the ride called “Drop of Doom” at the West Edmonton Mall. Probably a story for another day. However the point is that once you are strapped in you are there for the ride. I survived that ride although as tightly as my body was clenched I discovered muscles I didn’t know I had. I survived. That is the lesson I am taking from the ride I am on now.

My wife just asked me what had happened to the nights that we could lie on the couch and watch TV. Those days will come again. It will be relaxing. But till we get there we are on the ride. We are strapped in. Nothing can stop us now. Hang on baby. Make it a good one.

Bittersweet

The return from the east coast has been bittersweet, to say the least. We had a wonderful time attending our daughter’s wedding. However, while we were there my mother was admitted to the hospital. Not entirely unexpected. Her hope was that the wedding could happen without her spoiling the fun. She can rest assured knowing it happened. Friday I spent some time with her. I showed her pictures of the wedding. When we were done she asked to see them again. A mere four days later she is gone. Passed on.

It is difficult to sit and watch a parent die. There seems to be so little justice in the process. A myriad of thoughts raced around my head. I recalled various memories as I sat there. Ironically I have been eating a lot of toasted tomato sandwiches. It is that time of year. But I also recall swearing off of those a number of years ago. Whether in my school lunches or later in life when my mother delivered meals to the field when we were combining. She had this thing for tomato sandwiches. Not complaining but I suspect you can well imagine the consistency of a tomato sandwich when it is prepared in the morning, wrapped in wax paper and unwrapped four hours later. Does the word soggy mean anything to you?

Monday afternoon my wife took our kids to see grandma. It was an emotional time for all of them. After the visit they all came down for dinner. I cannot say enough of the support I have felt from my kids and their partners. It is awesome. My wife has been amazing as she has watched me jump from emotion to emotion. Thank God for her support.

I really think my grandson noticed that I was feeling some pain. As everyone was eating I took him outside. We wandered aimlessly in my backyard. He insisted on holding my hand. What a gentle, warm reprieve from all the other emotions crowding my mind.

I reflected on the two very different scenarios. On the one hand we have a life that has come to an end. A long life. Filled with ups and downs like everyone else. A journey that involved various challenges. A mixture of cultures, an attempt at mission work in Mexico, (I screwed that up for them as that is where I was born and because of health reasons they had to return), a move to another part of Manitoba to start a farm from scratch, supporting a husband who really was not into farming and changed careers in midlife, to a life without a husband. The whole gambit.

On the other hand I see new life in my grandson. There are times I wonder about what that life will involve. We live in a fast paced, ever changing world. Then again I suspect my grandparents will have had similar thoughts.

In the meantime, rest in peace mom. I know it was difficult for you to leave. You felt that your kids needed you. You have been a support. A cheer leader as our paths took different twists and turns. As my sister said so well last night, we will be okay. Rest easy and say hi to dad. Make it a good one.

Wasn’t That a Party

So in what could be considered to be the blink of an eye it is over. For so long we had planned, looked forward to, and prepared. Now the whole experience seems but a mere memory, already fading as thoughts about work take hold.

We left Prince Edward Island early this morning. Although, truth be told, we came close to spending another day there. For some strange reason I had not checked the itinerary and as a result showed up at the airport just as passengers were beginning to board. Thank goodness for small airports. We got on the flight. Made it to Toronto to barely catch our connecting flight. But we did. And were back in sunny Manitoba by morning coffee break. Wait a minute. There was nothing really pleasant about the weather we came back too. Cold and dreary. But we are home nonetheless.

For some reason travelling by air has lost its appeal for me. It probably didn’t help that I was not able to have my usual quota of coffee this morning. You finally get on the plane, find your seat, hoist carryon luggage into the overhead bin, I still don’t think it would have fit the rack they have in front to measure these things and I know for a fact it was overweight but who was I to argue, and throw yourself into a space that was meant for people much shorter than I. And before the plane had reached cruising altitude and I had had a chance for caffeine, the woman in front of me reclined her seat. Not gently but with an attitude. At that point I was ready to. . . . Not going there.

Ever wonder about the marvel of flight? I spent some time thinking about that this morning. I have always been intrigued with things that float and things that fly. The cottage we had rented sat on the shores of a bay that is utilized by cruise ships and freighters. Massive steel vessels that, for some strange reason, stay afloat and move through the water rather gracefully. It was neat to see.

Back to planes. Quite frankly you don’t want to think about it too much. It could be compared to sitting in a culvert with wings. Held together by rivets and silicone. Okay, I made that up. After speeding down the runway it hurls itself into the air. It was okay till we hit turbulence. Something that felt similar to driving too fast down a country road full of washboard, or most any street in Winnipeg. It made me really wonder what keeps those things together and in the air. Like I say. You really don’t want to think about it too much.

Here I am back on terra firma. Made it. Mission accomplished. Our daughter got married. It was a success. Provided us with the opportunity to see the culture, the community that helped shape our son-in-law’s life. Met his family. Met his friends. It was an awesome experience.

Also had the opportunity to connect and socialize with friends and family that made the trek out east for the festivities. To be able to sit back, enjoying the view, eating good food, and connecting with friends is the ultimate. There may be differing opinions, there may be certain passions that arise, but at the end of the night we can look back and say, “wasn’t that a party”. And here we are, back home, continuing with the reality called life. Make it a good one.